No Easy Way out

I am not sure there is an easy way out. Instead I am trapped in this miserable existance of soldiering on for the sake of not causing pain to my loved ones. However I continue to cause them pain and worry through my continued sadness. So what do I do? I exist, I can’t say that I live life because it doesn’t feel like that at all anymore. It feels like I am an empty vessel that can just about function but breaks down periodically which is what led me to this site. Another moment of panic and feelings of isolation, despair and helplessness. I am a wreck inside, for years I have battled depression and been given allsorts of different cocktails, which has lead me over the past few years to survive on my own cocktail of zoplicone. It has become my life support, I know that when I take them I can disappear temporarily in to oblivion. I am now a addict and rely heavily on them, if things get too much I can knock myself out and block everything out. I am my own worst enemy with this I know. I work in medicine so I know all about dosing and drugs and ranges.
I am more ashamed of the fact that I don’t really have any reason to be sad, when I think of those struggling to care for disabled children, sick children, and those suffering from the loss of a loved one. It makes me hate myself even more. My shrink says I have self esteem issues which spot on. Noone really knows or understands that as I take care of myself and know how to put on a show, its still an empty vessel underneath. I am a single parent with a beautiful daughter and that keeps me from taking my life, she is only 9 and I try to shelter her as much as I can from the emotional turmoil I find myself in. I have had my heart broken so many times by men and would truly love one day to find someone that I can share my life with and feel loved, protected. My heart aches to be loved for me as I have so much love to give.
I haven’t written anything about the painful experiences that I have endured throughout the years because people don’t want to know and are fed up of hearing about it so I must battle on and take each day as it comes