How am I even close?! They keep telling me if I graduate next week, I’ll be right on track. NOT EVEN CLOSE! Even to get there I have to go through hell and back with so much make up work, how can I accomplish all that by then? Hell, even to graduate it should’ve been done by then. But I’m just so depressed. Not only about this but everything. How can I ever get anything done if all I want to do is curl up and die? I don’t want to wake up and do work. I just want to sleep. Sometimes I just wanna cry, but I can’t because I won’t allow anyone to see me cry. No one should see my smile cracking. I’d fail in yet another way if they did. No one takes me seriously in anything, and nothing I do is ever good enough, especially for my family. I can’t talk to anybody about this. They won’t understand. Maybe they’d understand the problem, but they don’t understand the extent of how much it hurts me. I don’t even know why I’m writing all this, what good can it possibly do? I’ve heard ever single thing someone can say to me. All that “keep fighting, don’t give up!” crap that everyone shoots out their ass when they can’t think of something better to say or just prefer not to try. That type of “advice” doesn’t help me. Then again I don’t know what will. I don’t want to fight anymore, it takes too much out of me. I want to just be done with it.
The only place I can be myself anymore is my shower. Yesterday, I collapsed crying in my shower at 2 am. Eventually I even fell asleep in there. It shouldn’t have to be something anyone should go through. This is what I wrote about it last night when I finally had to come down and finish my all nighter on my couch where I SHOULD have been sleeping.
“Just laying on the bottom, numb and asleep
As the hot water beats me, piercing me, burning.
All I hear is drops falling and – is this a dream or am I really screaming
“Drown me!â€
Inhale….
I’m seeing red, is that blood, or just tears?
Exhale….
“Drown me!â€
Inhale….
By now the hot water has turned cold, and the red to black.
But I’m still there, floating now – in water or air?”
I just wish I drowned. I’m so ugly and pathetic and worth absolutely nothing. I have no talents, and I’m not going ANYWHERE in life. Why the fuck am I still writing? No one is going to care what I’m saying, it’s already to long, yet it hasn’t even really started.
It shouldn’t be this way.
1 comment
Hello,
Right on track! Yes, I too find that hard to believe. From what I’ve seen in my life and other’s, where we end up in life involves what seems to be a totally different “track” than the one we were on while in school. But the thing is, to get where we’re going in life will involve a series of different tracks. I believe the “single track theory” is a big part of what can make the school years so devastating. We’re not really even sure of who we are and we’re supposed to know exactly where we’re going.
I personally have changed track countless times. It took me a long time until I began to realize that ‘where I was supposed to be’ was on a variety of tracks; tracks that went in all different directions; and what was significant about these was that I learn how to enjoy the journey. Realizing this and actually putting it into practice was a whole other adventure.
I don’t mean just doing things that were fun and not taking care of responsibilities. But, as my life progressed I became more adept at creating a life that could benefit myself and others. So, as I worked on this I realized the different tracks I was on were all a part of the larger picture, and they all had value. Even (often especially) the tracks that got me to the wrong place. That is, of course, as long as I would learn from these and use the experience in a positive way.
We can feel so much pressure from worrying that we’re “right where were supposed to be.” Truth is, we are always “right where we’re supposed to be” as long as we eventually use what happened on that “track” to create value in life. Stressing about “where we’re supposed to be” always seems to get in the way of “where we are!” Kind of like a 60 year old thinking, “Wow! Look at all of the great things I accomplished in my life! I only wish I had been there, instead of here!” Meaning, people often just stress out so much with thinking about what their doing and where they’re supposed to be when they get to a certain age, that they live a void of a life. They don’t see their life being of value until they make it to their goal. They’ll picture their life and how it’s going to be then, and never really enjoy the journy. So by the time the goal is achieved, much of the party is over!
My life really didn’t “start” until I was 32. I had spent so much time hateing myself and thinking I had no talents, that I never really tried to create any talents. But once I did start, I found so many talents that it was unbelievable. Not that I was or am some totally brilliant person, but in considering the way I had always thought of myself as being such a waste. It was just that once I started creating my life, so many talents did show up. Kind of like throwing a rock into a motionless body of water. That one simple use of energy will reverbrate throughout the water. Not just on the surface, but throughout the depths.
When we persistently make positive efforts, one step at a time, so much in life starts moving for us. What I mean by positive, is actions that can bring happiness into ours and others lives. Things that will bring benefit into the world. I don’t mean it has to something like, “I created world peace today!” Absolute happiness and real “value” and world peace, come one smile at a time.
To back track, when my life finally got going at the age of 32, I eventually realized a very awesome aspects of that. It was like I was just born. So much was fresh and new that it was like just being born, except that I had aquired allot of knowledge and even some wisdom. This “freshness” was because I had never experienced life as a happy person. It was a brand new life, but it came with “track” knowledge!
So, all is not lost. Nothing needs to be lost. You have “track” knowledge, and that in itself is huge!
Lastly, I know hearing “just keep fighting” and all the other cliche’s can get rather frustrating at times. And if you have made it this far with this letter, you probably pulling your hair out by now. Sometimes people may be saying these just because they feel obligated to say something. Other times the person may really want you to be happy and they hoped this might cheer you up a little bit. And there are folks that find it hard to come up with something original, especially on such a significant topic.
There will also be times that the person is so concerned about your happiness that they would give anything for you to have this happiness. At times the words might not be a masterpeice, or even seem that well thoughtout; but, the person just desperately wanted to touch your heart in some positive way. Regardless of the wording, they wanted to have some interaction with you to let you have a loving part of their life. They wanted to share some “beauty” with you; a part of their very being. So I sincerly hope you won’t put everyone in the same “I’m just gonna pull this out of my ass” category.
That said, “keep fighting, don’t give up!” Actually, I believe a much better one would be, “keep loving, don’t give up!”
John