How do you tell the person you love that you simply can’t stand them?
I’ve been in love withÂ the same guyÂ for over a year. Seems like a short time, but for me, it might as well be a lifetime.
It’s never been easy for me to love someone, in fact i’ve never been in love like this before, but i know it’s love because i hate him. I hate him every fiber of my being. WE were perfect, for lack of a better word. No, actually we werent perfect, or else I wouldnt be in this mess right? He was perfect. When I was a little girl of about fiveÂ whose heart and soul still believed in the wondrous dream of “happily ever after” I pined for the day when my Prince Charming would come and carry me off to his castle in the sunset. When I was fifteen years old, that five year old little girl’s dream i used to have came true in the form of Steven Hanson.
We met at school, the only connection between us being that we hung out with the same group of people. Honestly, i didnt think of him that way at first, because to me that little girls dream of a prince charming and a happily ever after had been crushed along with many other silly childhood dreams I’d like to have kept for awhile longer.
Still…..there was something about him. The way he made me skin crawl whenever he wrapped his arms around me or how my chest would tighten every time he flashed me a smile with those baby blue eyes of his. He was by far the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life, and I couldn’t believe he was mine, all mine.
I shouldnt have let myself get so involved, my rational, depressed self knew better then to let him in, let him pentrate the brick wallÂ I had putÂ up between me and the rest of all humanity, but he had a way with me that I’ll never in a million years be able to understand. I knew that he was going to leave me, no one has ever stayed with me even when they promised they would, but it still hurt more then anything else in the world to know i was going to lose the one person in the world Id ever felt that way toward. It felt like my heart was being torn right out of my chest and stomped on with a steel toed boot; more pain then i think ive ever felt in my life. I knew what this feeling was, I’ve felt it everyday since he left to move to Texas. Heartbreak.
Love makes you crazy, in fact im pretty sure love and insanity are one and the same. I cant even begin to describe how hurt I’ve been since he left, and it’s just not fair. We weren’t together very long, im the one who ended it, and we dont even talk anymore. but these things only make my suffering that much more insane, because i know better then anyone that due to all these things, he shouldnt have any effect on me. But he does. I dont know why, I dont know magical, evil force keeps pulling me back to him like an alcoholic to the bottle, but because of the way i feel for him I have had this giant ache in my chest ever since I let him go.
I let him go for a different reason then usual. Usually I cant stay with any guy for too long because I’m afraid I wont be able to give them what they need from me, but with Steven my reasoning was so different, so much more rational that it made me hurt even more so.
I. WAS. SCARED. I was scared of feeling something real for him because of my past. I didnt want him to hurt me like id been hurt before, and even though deep down I knew he wasnt like the man that hurt me at all and i had nothing to fear from him,Â I couldnt stop thinking about the damned what if’s, my own fears. What if I get too attached to him and then he decides he doesnt love me like thay anymore? What if he finds someone else? What if I can’t be with him that way and he leaves me? What if, what if, what if. My list went on and on, but my heart wouldnt let me forget him, and my mind has this troublesome way of listening to what my heart wants, and even though he is now miles away and we havent spoken in what to me feels like forever, my stupid, teenage heart still wants him just as my head still dreams up images of him every timeÂ I close my eyes. He has plagued my sleep for what seems like ages, but I wouldnt have it any other way. If a dream is the only wayÂ I can hear his voice, see his face, feel his touch-without falling completely apart-then I want to dream of him all the time, even when I know it hurts like hell. I hear love is suppossed to hurt though, so I must be doing something right.
Sometimes I try and imagine what hes doing now, what hes thinking. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him, or he still thinks about me from time to time. Id settle for justÂ a passing glance in his memories. I dont want him to be just a memory, and I dont want to be just a memory. I want to be his past, present, and future, but I know it can never be. Still, the heart wants what the heart wants.
The seasons keep passing now, but I dont see any change in them. All I see is grey and death and cold. These are the only things left that my body can feel, it is always winter where the sun doesnt shine and the sky is never blue, like the blue of someone I loves eyes.
A broken heart can’t keep time.