Where am I now?

You know,  I have always had relationships, that were fantasy, except for this on.

I met this guy during marching band

I did not know him

did not know how old he was

god, I thought he had a crush on me

and then this one time, i was crying and depressed

and he says come here

and i turn around and he is standing there arm wide open for me

and i just sat there with him and cried into his arms

and i knew i loved him, just didn’t know i would get chances.

My name is Mariena I am very young, and he is very old, we call him verizon

all he wanted was sex, and we almost did it

but he couldnt he had to go back to college

mind you i am barely in highschool

just entering.

and now.

I am dating his younger brother.

and I get a text “we need to talk”

and my friends say this is good, no more verizon, you’ll get over this

I dont want to end it with him

i like him so much

love lust

what do i do

what did i do!?

i fucked this up so badly

and it seems so much like the right time to end my life.

I have a best friend. a boy friend. a girl who wants to marry me. it seems like i have everything, even a secret lover.

i hate myself. im depressed. schizophrentic. stupid. ugly, i completely hate myself

i look at myself in the mirror and i wonder why i am alive

and i wonder if because i am here its stupid! because im being winey, and my life out of so many others doesnt matter right?

I just need someone to be there. everyone’s left me.

please, help.