I’m a twenty four year old male who has tried to kill himself years ago. I probably had about four attempts in two years starting at age fifteen. I was hospitalized, medicated, went through therapy and I thought I was fine. I turned eighteen, had a renewed sense of hope that I would be able to make it through stuff. For years now, I’ve been living in Virginia with my boyfriend of almost seven years.   Once I started working at my current job, I’ve been hanging out with coworkers who are of legal drinking age and we go out to bars more often than not.  Here’s where it gets tricky. We all went out one night while my boyfriend was out of town. I ended up staying the night at one of their places and I was going to leave to go home but there were texts going back and forth about staying so I turned around and stayed the night. We ended up hooking up. And now I have feelings for this guy. We had the whole conversation about “It’s not you, it’s me…I’m not sure what I want to do about all this” which translates to me ‘It’s you, you’re not worth it, I just used you.’
Fine, I’m not dating material, whatever. Well, it turns out people are talking about it and I confronted the guy about it and every time I think about going into work, I can’t help but sit here and think that there are people talking about it. I’m not ashamed, he is. I’m afraid to run into him on the off chance he’ll cuss me out whatever. I’d rather him at least have said “No, I don’t want to do it anymore” instead of “I don’t know what I want to do about this” And now here I sit at home, sick to my stomach, just wanting to slam my face through a glass window just so I don’t have to go to work to see this person. Because I don’t know what he’s thinking. Because I don’t know if he hates me, I don’t know if people have gotten back to him about what we did.
I’d rather just put and end to the annoying nagging feeling that I’ve pushed him away. The only way I can think of is to off myself.
1 comment
well i dont like that decision so dont…!!!!!
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