I’m in a very dark place right now, and it’s terrifying me. I think of killing myself constantly. I am in so much pain and nothing is helping me. I hate that I’m thinking these thoughts, and I hate that I have to come to a website for support, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I have been on antidepressants for six months and they’re not doing anything; I’ve tried talking to people, tried explaining how I feel but no one understands. I hate myself. I hate what I think, what I say, how I present myself to other people. I hate my appearance, I hate my emotions, I hate waking up everyday and knowing that I am still me. It’s hard to explain to people, no one seems to comprehend how a person could just hate everything about themselves but not be able to pinpoint specific things. I want to die; I want to be rid of this pain that seeps into every aspect of my life. It’s suffocating. I can’t do or say anything without thinking it through thoroughly in my head, and even then when I say/do it, I hate myself more for it.
I have friends, I have a wonderful mom who is the only reason I haven’t followed through on these impulses, but I don’t know how much longer that can stop me. I’ve given all my life; given love, given trust, given everything that I am because I’ve always believed that that is the only true way to live. But now I’m sick of giving. I’m sick of staying alive for other people, I want to finally do something for myself. That might be an odd way of saying it, but that’s how I feel. I want this pain to end, and if that means doing something selfish, fine. Maybe that’s not so bad after all.
Mostly, though, I just want to be okay again. I don’t want to have to do this, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel the way I did a couple years ago. I know that time is the ultimate healer. Everyone tells me that if I just give this enough time, everything will work out. The problem is, I don’t know how much longer I can feel this way without relief. I don’t know if I can ward off these feelings long enough to give everything a chance to “work itself out.”
4 comments
I know exactly how you feel. my situation is exactly the same. the only reason why i’m not going to end it quite yet is because of my family. i’ve been having these feelings ever since the diagnosis of my aunt having 4 different kinds of cancer. ever since then i have been a wreck. my parents dont know i have these thoughts because i know that they will think im a freak and they would probably disown me. please. trust me. i know how you feel. i hate my body, my looks, my thoughts, my actions, everything about me i hate. please contact me. we can talk. i promise…im not here to judge you. maybe we could help each other.
ha i understand EXACTLY!!!!! how your feeling the feeling of like everyday you just dont wanna be here and everyday you dont want to feel that way anymore and keep saying you cant take it because it is only getting worse i know that feeling of everytime something bad happens i keep saying i cant hurt anymore i’ve hurt the worst anyones ever hurt and its sooooooooooo! bad! i get it so im here and im here to listen and guess what i completely understand…
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
I felt the same way for more than 10 years and I still do before my menstrual cycle. I got off Zoloft after 10 years (wean off because there is serotonin syndrome). I now eat a low carb diet and healthier organic foods where my blood sugar is stable.I walk daily and it is only bad before my menstrual cycle, but because I am aware of that…i just call my mother or alert my husband that I will take everything to heart and get depressed and have anxiety. The smallest thing makes me sad and makes me want to hurt myself. i feel like the world is ending. Try changing your diet…it helped me.
i feel the same. my mom is the only reason why i’m still alive. i had many close encounters with death, both voluntarily and involuntarily, but she is why i’m still here. waiting for the pain to end is very frustrating especially if you’re impatient like me, but it does slowly dissolve. If you want to talk to me some more you can just email me @ spazzy_diva0506@hotmail.com.