i feel low

I had so many friends at school, I was sporty and one of the best rugby players. family life was happy, i was content and I was strong. I was always caring, at times on my own even as 7 year old I remember crying for Africa and the hungry, I cried that one day my grandmother would die,I cried that one day my parents had to go, i cried for all the suffering people endure over the world. grans dead now, she died as my brother lay on his hospital bed, close to death. I always had this depth inside of me. When I was 16/17 things got worse, at boarding school I began to feel that the world was actually very cold. I didnt make the rugby team at this school even though i had a scholarship. I didnt practice enough. was naughty and started to smoke cigs, the most painful thing, rugby was what made me, it was my release, my moment of glory, of freedom. Not making the team meant I couldnt do school work well. I lost respect, I could feel it.I started to smoke weed, I started to feel as if no one cared about the worlds ills but me. My brother got leiukemia when he was 18 and me 16, i could sense on the day that when my parents returned there would be terrible news, there was, my brother had a 50/50 chance. I first tried extacy at this time. At my first festival it felt right at the time but the next day I felt so ashamed, I felt alone in a sea of people. I had made a fool of myself. I took extacy for about two years, at raves,made many mistakes, became paranoid, smoked weed, stayed in,i lost my mind. I began to lose my friends because I felt they thought me weird, i became so introverted that I could barely speak, even to my relatives who as a kid I used to look up to, they always were kind to me. Teachers i loved at primary school ime now to ashamed to speak to in the street.Now they are cold. Ime always told that I ‘can have any girl’, that ime handsome, but i have only ever had one meaningful relationship, I became so shy and inconsistent that nothing came my way. I decided that I would have to make something of myself and improve. I went to university. the world seemed so dark and sad and cold. At this time I could no longer see myself as part of my country, we invaded Iraq and millions died and suffered, i felt my people were evil, no one seemed to care about what was happening,everyone bought the lies but I could see through them. I made two friends at university, even tho I was at halls. My mind was gone, confidence evaporated. I was desperate for a girlfriend. my lecture attendance was a 1/4 of what it should have been. I my have got put into 7 different police vans whil at uni, drunk and disorderly after nights at clubs. Got into fights, had my nose broken. I managed to graduate in the 3 years but have no one from that time that i can call a friend,and only sad memories. Arguments with my parents became so bad that they called the police on me twice, i punched my father because i was sent out of the house, i had nowhere to go, no friends to call even though this was my hometown. Spent nights in cells but no convictions. I ended up being a perfect match of my bros blood type, I gave him the transplant, he survived and now his body creates my blood. This didnt stop me telling him ”I wish you were dead, i wish cancer had killed you” at the height of an argument. Such shame and remorse, this was not me yet I had managed to say the darkest thing in the world to my own family. I started seeing a doctor but they were no help. I had lost all my self control and reason, i was not the person I knew I still was inside. All I do now is smoke weed and study. I used to think study would get me somewhere, I went to a prestigious uni this time to do an masters degree. poor lecture attendance again, few friends, lots of weed, no confidence, no girls. I had many girls after me but never saw it through, would smoke weed and come up with an excuse. Stay in my room. I have no real motivation apart from studying alone which is easy, I cant get up in the mornings, ime up all night and I wont get a job. The recession has fucked all graduates in England, pay has gone down etc. Ive tried to get the glory job, i never here back from them and i struggle with the maths tests. I am nothing, I have done nothing with my time. I have spent ten years in the longest, darkest tunnel. all we care about is money, we have no spiritualism left, no Karma,no unity, just material and or lack of it. everything is just a giant mess, we fucked the world and I see this everyday. Weve crated a zoo where only the brain dead succeed. I am desperate to succed, I want to make my family proud as they are getting old now and will be gone someday. I dont know how I can succeed. I have become so qualified but now it feels like it doesnt even matter. I have been on mirtazapine anti depressants, they made things worse initially,then not better but just bloked some stuff out. but now ime so scared that without them I wont be albe to opeate that i still take them, i am dependant, there is hope but Im so alone, I have lived a lifetime in my head. My only meaningful relationship haunts me, we were together two years. She was the best, clever,classy funny, kind. I ruined it. I was so self obsesed that one day stoned i was talking shit like ‘weve got nothing in common’ and’ u live in a bubble’, all lies. this girls dad had comitted suicide two years previously, she didnt answer the phone for a couple of days but it would have all been sorted out. I got so drunk that i phone her mum, asking to talk to my girlfriend, i was so dilusional and drunk that I thought her mum was telling me it was over, she wasnt. I said to her ‘but your husband killed himself’. ive never heard fom my ex since, she didnt answer one call. I cant believe I said what I said, just like with my brothers cancer. I struggle to live with myself now as this was not me, if this is what ive become i will kill myself.I cant believe what I have become, i just want to be that caring, considerate, thoughful boy that i once was. I have so much anger, Ive always been decent but the last ten years have taken so much out of me that I dont know who I am anymore. Ive fallen so low. The sun never shines in england, its always grey and cold, the people are so agressive, but my lack of motivation means ive not done anything about it yet. I just want to be normal but ime a depressed freak. I dont get messy drunk now and i dont take extacy, ime stopping smoking weed too but ime finding the weed really difficult, its been my only release for ten wasted years when i could have achieved so much more and actually made a difference instead of complaining about the world. ime 25 now and I pray that i will bounce back. my advice as a 25 year old would be ‘cherish life between 16/26, dont block out emotions with drugs as believe me the emotions catch up far worse, face it all now so you can live open free and happy.