I don’t know why I typeing this here right now or why I contuine to live in this world.
Their was once a user on this site named “mychoice” who taught me personally some amazing things.If any body cheaks this site I’m sure you’ll find a few posts by him.He had this one about money being the root of evil and how we as people want to enjoy this world but have to pay ticket sales just to do anything.As time past I begin to learn from him and left a few comments on his posts and eventully I think I angered him.The last post he left was about how he could only get to the Dashbord on this site and that it’ll be a wile before he gets back on due to pre paid internet.That was a few months ago but that’s not the whole reason I’m typeing this…..it’s realizeation.
I’ve tryed to put my story on this site as long as I could but, I feel at least one person should know that I’m going to die soon.I don’t want to tell somebody becouse they’ll say I’m “suicideal’ or “Crazy.I know people will say “They’ll lock you up” and “you NEED HELP”.I also don’t want to hurt my loved ones when I die like my family and co-workers(if they care that is)I know when I comment suicide they’ll be hurt but, they don’t know that I’m going to kill myself.I went to theripy in high school due to years of bulling and showed sings of being depressed.My family diden’t make alot of money when i was going to school so most of my clothing was eather given to me,came from a thrift store,or hand-me -downs.The clothing uselly was that tee shirt that you don’t wanna where on your first date and becouse my clothing was”tight” and uselly black and I had trust issues due to school bullieing I was relly shy.So the turm”emo” I guess applied to me in jr and high school.I mean my fav clorers are black and purple,love “emoshinal rock music”and love storys like Romeo & Julliet,Into the wild,and The crow I was abossesed with suicide and death .(Readers:this is a long story so if you don’t wanna hear some worthless guy’s story and want to enjoy the short time we all have to live you can skip this)As I’m typeing this I can’t stop crying.I’ve been crying for the past thirty-five minuets now thanking about my like and how I blew it playing video games…..it was my reason of liveing as a kid and now that I’m 19 I want to die.When I was 5 years old my dad intrudced me and my bro to video games and we became quickly addicected.That was when the saga gennesis was first introduced.All we could think about was video games.Oviously since we were hard core gamers are grades fell and we became antisoical.If it wasen’t about video games we weren’t intrested.Camping?Football?Boyscouts? they were all inaportant to us.If it wasen’t Poke’mon,spider-man,or Mario it wasen’t us except,my bro had friends.That was the one thing that keept us apart.He was off spending the night at a buddys house and I was stuck home with my parents and younger sister(who was an infant at the time and becouse I knew she was a baby she need the attenchation of my fokes)I was alone.Yea I had video games but,alone and as I begain to grow it became my best friend.Lonilness become the only friend on mine.
In the mist of lonlyness i made a few friends.One of them now is a single father who now in jail for useing meth and one who (if a buddy of yours hits and brussies you dose that make him/her a friend?) is now in a mental intustion.For what I don’t know becouse we were only friends for a few weeks when were in elementry school.For that time the two “friends” hung out with me helped me even though they were my friends through elementry school.I was a loner.I know I stood out. If a group of younger people in their jr high were playing basket ball and once of them was chaceing ofther the ball that bounced outa cort and I was near it,I would give them the ball and would be slaped or hit or beaten.Stupid things like that.My dad wasen’t relly their for my “proplems-in-school”. due to him being a worahaiilcic and an drunkard.Growing up as a kid I feared him becouse if I missbehaved it wasen’t just one or two spanks it was like ten.I remember being spanked once fifteen times with a belt for flunking three classes.My mom never did drugs after she found out she was pregaunt with me.(I was the first born unfortanally)She clames she nver did meth or herion but, smoked pot and drinked jackie d’s.In some was i love and hate her becouse she showed me how to read and bring kindness to the world.’Mouther is god in the eyes of a child”.That line was taken from silent hill and it’s true.For a few familys in this sick world.When my mom was angery or diden’t know how to dissapline me she eather called my dad or informend him when he got off work.”You just wait tell you dad gets home” stills rings in my ears when a walk through this house.
For some reason I finally stoped crying.Why I don’t know but my pellows still wet from crying before I started typeing this.This was sposted to be my reason for being “suicidal” but It’s just one fucked up of a story that I’ll end up wasting everybodys time on.I’m SOOOOOOO SORRY EVERYBODY;( I’ll jump back to the story.SORRY IT’S SO LONG.I lived being alone for a long time and was buillied alot becouse of who I am.Since I grow up around my mom and not my dad I wanted to be like mommy.(you know how little kids are)So I sat with my legs crossed in elemtery school,cheaked my face in the reflection(when nobody was looking),and was the Polite guy people at school hated.If puberty diden’t kick in than I propley would’ve been gay.(we know how that issue is with the world today)Anyways,as a I guy going through purbity I diden’t know about the”third leg”(I’ll be serious and i know i shoulden’t put things like that on this site so I’m varry sorry)I started stuffing my pants when in public so people woulden’t know.I have this issue still becouse I’m still a male virgin.I’ll “get one” without even thinking about sex or being around them and I’m not biosexual.I think it’s sposed to be”normal”for it to happen when somthing bumps “it”or certen suations.(Go ahead laff, and make fun of me.tell you friends,family,lover,and have a grand time laffing about the stupid emo gammer male virgin becouse I’m still going to die anyways so i don’t care anymore.They make videos about it like “American Pie”and “The 40 year old virgin” so I might as well be dead.)I’m not gay or anything I just don’t want to have sex.I’m not afraid of haveing sex someday it’s just that only 1 makes it in and all the rest of the “semen” die and each sperm is a human life.So if I have sex or doing somthing that would “make you go blind” than I would feel like I just killed thousands of unborn people and I don’t think I could live with it.I had a “wet dream” once and I wasen’t dreaming about any thing sexuall and i blame myself everyday for it.I read it was normal but i still hate myself for it.I just don’t wanna have sex untill after I’m married and people think it’s weird.I know it’s sposted to be special when you loss it and I want to be with that person for the rest of my life if I live that long.I am so sorry about puting this here but it at least one person puts a comment on this “life story” than I know at least somebody cares when I die. No I’m not sexual anericexea and that’s not the reason why I am going to die.
When you get picked on by literly everybody through out your life and you spend time alone in “video game land” as my mom woud put it.You just want a way out.I let everybody in on a few of my idols.The singers of breaking benjamin,greed,seether,puarl jam,and johm morrision.Christopher Mcandless.(see into the wild)and Johnathen davis(singer of korn)acully this has nonthing to do with how I’m going to die so my bad.
The reason I wanna die is becouse this world is so viloent and i don’t think i could go on.When you have a history of fear of people then you just wanna find a way out and I feel like my times coming soon.If I get freinds again or meet that “girl” and get married,and acully have kids and somthing happpends to them than I coulden’t live with myself and to top it all I wanna be a pyschollicatest.(or whatever how you spell it)So I could help people when they need a “Spider-man” to help them.So I won’t tell how I’m going to say how I’ll die.I want it to be creative.New.Somthing that hasen’t been done before.I’ll make sure to keep my orgians intack due to me wanting to be a doner and donate my blood to thoust who need it.I’ve been preparein myself for the past six years.To thoust of you who read my story so far than thinks.I’m commienting suicide in three years so I have time to meet sombody to be friends with and know before I die.
Thanks for your time-
The “emo”with “Broken dreams”
(P.s Theirs more to this story that i haven’t reviled yet and propley never will to any one but explains the “Boren dreams” on my wasted life.I just donen’t fell like time right now.)
5 comments
There is so much to talk about that I don’t know where to start. Regarding being bulling I admit is a very sad and childish thing, but I must admit mines more embarrassing. I used to get made fun of and called names because I am a girl and I had hairy arms. More hair than every boy in all my classes, you can laugh. People make fun of other people because they have nothing else better to do. And in some case people do it to make themselves feel better. Next the whole puberty thing is totally normal…wet dreams and third legs are normal even girls get aroused just many are to shy to say it. You are young and there is so much more to life out of high school… You will find someone believe me and I just hope she has many thing in common with you… Girls like video games to I use to like Sonic the Hedge Hog…That was my favorite.. Don’t ever feel pressured into having sexy… the one thing you don’t want to do is get rushed into it because then it becomes an ugly thing, which its not…. I know it sounds stupid and everyone says you’ll know when your ready, but you do… you just feel it and ur no longer scared so please wait… You are just meeting all the wrong people in life and its not ur fault… I don’t mean to push religion on u becuz I myself am not an everyday church goer… but a friend once sent me this “god doesn’t give you the people you want…he gives you the people you need- to hurt u, to leave u, to love u and to make u into the person u were meant to be†Silly but I believe its true… I cant say don’t commit suicide because I know its just not that easy… I lost a relative to suicide and they were my love, my hope and my strength and still I could not save them. All I ask is really think about it… I don’t feel its worth it… I would rather have lost my house, my job, my car and anything else than lose them and I am sure you family will feel the same way…. If you need someone to talk to I’m here.
Broken Dreams. I understand what it’s like to be lonely and to feel that things are coming to a close for yourself. You see, I normally don’t point out things but what I see in you is something of what I used to be. For one, stop stuffing your pants. If you get one, you get one. Don’t be ashamed. It’s something that happens to all guys. Now that we have that aside, I wanna be entirely serious with you friend. Being who you are… ~Kind, shy, and the underdog ( No offense, I am an underdog myself ) ~ You have to take time out of your day and actually be in touch with your more emotional side. Listen to good, inspiring music. Think about the world and think about how things should be. Our world is obviously not perfect. We have this distorted view of the world. We see things the way they are depicted to us. Instead of what we should be seeing. The whole picture. The video games are a good hobby by the way. I myself am an extreme gamer. You might want to find a new hobby though. Something more hands on. Go for a walk outside on a beautiful day. (Mine personally is when it rains.) Just go out and enjoy the smells and the sights. Feel your surroundings. Feel the Earth beneath you and feel yourself as part of the Earth. The Earth does not want you to leave it’s hallowed grounds. Especially if it isn’t your time. When something happens Naturally, that is when the Earth wants you back with it. Until then, you might very well have an important task to accomplish or to help someone start to accomplish. Stay strong Broken dreams. As a family, we love you. Thank you for taking your time to write and to vent about everything. I’m sorry for what happened with you from your dad and from the bullies. About the suicide thing, I know what it feels like to engage in such thoughts and to feel that you are on your last leg. To feel that you have no other choice. Just remember though. The over-encumbrance we feel in our lives, are meant to make the good things blast like the brightest stars in the night. So good luck. I hope you don’t take the same path that I had a few years ago, but I do hope you get the clarity you need.
~Dreamer~
If you ever wish to talk you can message me at DCFAA1992@hotmail.com Just let me know who you are. If you say Broken Dreams, I am sure I will remember. 🙂 Good luck Broken dreams.
we almost share the same story, except that im much older and in maybe much worse situation, but im sticking it out. im 40 single an introvert and the whole town is talking about me. i got no friends. the whole neighborhood seems against me, when someone walks in the street in front of our house, they either cough very loud, laugh, call me names, this happens from morning till evening everyday since last christmas. yes, im being bullied and cant do nothing about it. i could have moved elsewhere but i cant cause i got to take care of my old parents. im thinking, what went wrong with my life, could i have changed it from becoming like this. i dont know the answer to that but if im 19 like you maybe i start my life again from zero. what i got to lose. lately i been drawn toward God, i tell him everything all my frustations and dreams. i dont expect him to respond or solve all my problems, truth is i dont expect anything from God anymore, i just talk to Him silently. my only sanctuary is my room at night, where i can have a little peace and quiet. outside my room its hell. i dont really have an advice but if you could hold on, stick it out here, maybe something good happens when your’e my age.
Thank you so much for commenting although,I wasen’t expecting a girl to respond due the the wole “guy” parvite thing.Yet you seem mature enoff to know.So I sposed girls do get “third legs”(don’t wanna know or find out,sorry,I guss i’m not “normal” enoff.)I also spose girls get “wet dreams”(I don’t how but,when the get them the propley don’t have to deal with mass muder.What I mean by that is that is in my point of view each”sperm” is a human life and only 1 makes it to the..well..you know.)With that being said,I just don’t wanna have sex in any way shape of form but, it’s kind-of -hard becouse I do wanna have kids some day and be married.It’s like if you don’t do “it” or “pleasure yoursef” that your not a man.I’ve talked to my Mom(and it was hard to do)about eather haveing my “guy parts” tied or haveing my “testies” removed and she freaked becouse she wants grand kids someday,wich is fine with me but, I know that if I “do it” that thousands of unborn children die and I can’t stop the tragicy.Of corse she asked me if I was gay afterwards and I told her I wasen’t so since then,shes been hooking me up with “blind’dates.The “Her daughter is single and never had a boyfriend” or “She seems relly nice,you should date her”thing.To me sex would be like 9/11 and if I ever have sex then I might kill myself afterword.i find it funny that I made the “40 year old virginn”comment in my post and somebody used it in a post so I know outher people read my story but,THANK YOU for responding.
I droped out of high school due to bullieing and soon had a job at a resturant.So,I have a lot of hate for myself becouse i blew 12 years of my life on nonthing but,I’ve been working since I was 15.Thank god for that.
I do rember playing sonic video games.I beat most of them(thanks to the sonic mega collection)except for sonic 2 & 3.My fav ons are sonic and nuckles,and sonic adventure 2 battle.Also I have a bunch of Sonic comics from 06′.After that I got burnt out and they stoped selling them where I live.I wanted to do the art for the futcher comics but, my job got the spare drawing time.So I find is funny that sombody eles play them at one time becides “Playstation”.(not that their anything wrong with it I just diden’t play it as a kid)
Recentally,i meet a girl who has a kid but,seems to relly like me.Shes a little “heavy”(not to be meam to anybody eles) but, I like her and unfortinally she found out I’m still a virgin.You know how parents are.She diden’t make fun of me for it though like the last chick i liked(The last girl diden’t find out untill 5 months when where dateing and asked why I diden’t want to “make out”.Whatever “makeing out” is and when I told her that it was becouse I diden’t want to have sex she though it was her or if I was with somebody eles,or if I was screatly gay wich eventully became the rumer at school.The “hey querr” still ecoes in my head.Just becouse I diden’t want to have sex and lose my virginaty anyways)I don’t know about the new girl I’m with.
Mabe you can help me,your a female so i am sure you know more about girls than I do.It’s a weird story.We meet on the internet,meet in person,(wich made me tence up instantally due to trust issues)and had dinner.Now since I can’t sit at a table and just eat dinner with sombody I just meet or talk to them I brought my parents.Mostly to meet her and to take them out for dinner.She brought her son who is 11 months old and full of engery.After we visted for 4 hours,we left the resterount and had some “alone time” in the hotel she rented.Now I usully freak when I’m in a room with sombody I don’t know but it seemed different.I watched her baby fall asleep knowing once he was out that she wanted to talk.It seemed a little “strange” for me.Let’s review for a secoend.We’ve only know each outher for a 9 days.Just meet.Had dinner.She knows I’m a virgin,and I’m in a hotel with this girl wich made me fell extreamlly scared out of my mind.she diden’t look that bad and want’s to talk.
I wanted to just die at that moment her kid fell asleep becouse i knew it was just us.
Me and a girl I just meet in a hotel.Alone.Not good.So we begain to talk and I keep changing to subject.Like “Do you like twilght?” and “what’s for fav band?”Thankfull her baby woke up and she rocked him to sleep and I put my hand over her sholder and she looked at me and smiled.I keep thinking “she said her last boyfriend broke up becouse “It” broke wich is understandable becouse condoms work 90-99% of the time and he diden’t belive the baby was his” and I knew that haveing a baby without being married must be a “wheres dad?” question.So,I knew that the kid needs a dad and she wants a husband.If I marrie her she would’ent be alone again and the kid would have a dad.
Anyways we were close enoff to kiss and i said like an idiot.”I’m thinking about kissing you” and she said”Why don’t you” but, I never did.Then she said.”Are you afraid to fall in love?”.I though about this for a moment.She was with her ex for 4 weeks before she lose “it” then got pregnat and is now single.If I’m going to loss “it” I don’t want it to be with a person I only dated a few weeks or I just meet.I want to lose “it” after I am married.That way I know it’ll be with the person I love and I’m clean(No Std’s) pluse,I don’t have to worry about a “Low(you know) count” so I could have kids(if I ever want kids)
So,I told her “It’s not that I’m afraid to fall in love it’s that I’m afraid to get hurt” and right on cue like a movie or play skit my mom calls saying she’s out frunt and I shoulden’t be alone with a girl I just meet in a hotel at night.I rember thinking “why diden’t you call sooner?” so we excanger numbers out side and I took the hotel key so it case the door shut she could get back in.This brought an missunderstanding with my mouther when I got home.It was like “How did you get the key to her hotel that dosen’t make since to me” and in my back-up was a “Well if anything was going to happen I woul’ve keep this a secerate.” So we returend the key,returend home,and I fell asleep.
I’m sorry I’m boring you if you’ve read this far.
When I work up I figured It was all a dream and wasen’t real.I remember wanting to cut myself again for thinking things like sombody acully liked me and for beliveing in anouther broken dream that isen’t true.In a since I wanted to die.I looked at my wrist knowing that once I die it’ll all end or I could put a dime in my coffie and chug it down.
Before I could cut(wich nobody is aware of)She called(It was around two in the afternoon) She left a message that she enjoyed her time with me and made it home safe.That was when i knew I wasen’t dreaming.In the last few says she said she immanged us getting married and that she was pregant with MY kid.Personally, I don’t know how to make since of the whole thing.
We just meet and now she wants to get married.Now on her face book she says were in a realationship and we only knew each outher for a few weeks.I do want to be in a realationship but,I wanna take it slow first and that’s what we’ve been talking about but,she says we were “made” for each outher.It could be me.I’ve only dated once before(see above) so mabe mabe I should date more but I’m afraid to talk to most chicks and feel like she wants to go to far too soon.
So with that being said,What do you thank I shoud Do?
Changing the subjuct,I’m sorry about your loss and started to cry again after I read you relative commeted suicide.I wish their was a way I could help ease the pain.I cry over simple things I guss.Certion songs,movies,feelings,ect.I hope he/she is in heaven watching down apon you helping you make the right choices and mabe I’ll meet them in the when I die.My suicides unpreventabal but,you freiendship is truly treshered.
Thanks for reading (sorry it’s sooooo long;(
————–*Broken Dreams*————–
Just to say Broken Dreams, that I read all of your story and think you’re an amazing person. Thanks for sharing.