I don’t know why I typeing this here right now or why I contuine to live in this world.
Their was once a user on this site named “mychoice” who taught me personally some amazing things.If any body cheaks this site I’m sure you’ll find a few posts by him.He had this one about money being the root of evil and how we as people want to enjoy this world but have to pay ticket sales just to do anything.As time past I begin to learn from him and left a few comments on his posts and eventully I think I angered him.The last post he left was about how he could only get to the Dashbord on this site and that it’ll be a wile before he gets back on due to pre paid internet.That was a few months ago but that’s not the whole reason I’m typeing this…..it’s realizeation.
I’ve tryed to put my story on this site as long as I could but, I feel at least one person should know that I’m going to die soon.I don’t want to tell somebody becouse they’ll sayÂ I’m “suicideal’ or “Crazy.I know people will say “They’ll lock you up” and “you NEED HELP”.I also don’t want to hurt my loved ones when I die like my family and co-workers(if they care that is)I know whenÂ I comment suicide they’ll be hurt but, they don’t know that I’m going to kill myself.I went to theripy in high school due to years of bulling and showed sings of being depressed.My family diden’t make alot of money when i was going to school so most of my clothing was eather given to me,came from a thrift store,or hand-me -downs.The clothing uselly was that tee shirt that you don’t wanna where on your first date and becouse my clothing was”tight” and uselly black and I had trust issues due to school bullieing I was relly shy.So the turm”emo” I guess applied to me in jr and high school.I mean my fav clorers are black and purple,love “emoshinal rock music”and love storys like Romeo & Julliet,Into the wild,and The crow I was abossesed with suicide and death .(Readers:this is a long story so if you don’t wanna hear some worthless guy’s story and want to enjoy the short time we all have to live you can skip this)As I’m typeing this I can’t stop crying.I’ve been crying for the past thirty-five minuets now thanking about my like and how I blew it playing video games…..it was my reason of liveing as a kid and now that I’m 19 I want to die.When I was 5 years old my dad intrudced me and my bro to video games and we became quickly addicected.That was when the saga gennesis was first introduced.All we could think about was video games.Oviously since we were hard core gamers are grades fell and we became antisoical.If it wasen’t about video games we weren’t intrested.Camping?Football?Boyscouts? they were all inaportant to us.If it wasen’t Poke’mon,spider-man,or Mario it wasen’t us except,my bro had friends.That was the one thing that keept us apart.He was off spending the night at a buddys house and I was stuck home with my parents and younger sister(who was an infant at the time and becouse I knew she was a baby she need the attenchation of my fokes)I was alone.Yea I had video games but,alone and as I begain to grow it became my best friend.Lonilness become the only friend on mine.
In the mist of lonlyness i made a few friends.One of them now is a single father who now in jail for useing meth and one who (if a buddy of yours hits and brussies you dose that make him/her a friend?) is now in a mental intustion.For what I don’t know becouse we were only friends for a few weeks when were in elementry school.For that time the two “friends” hung out with me helped me even though they were my friends through elementry school.I was a loner.I know I stood out. If a group of younger people in their jr high were playing basket ball and once of them was chaceing ofther the ball that bounced outa cort and I was near it,I would give them the ball and would be slaped or hit or beaten.Stupid things like that.My dad wasen’t relly their for my “proplems-in-school”. due to him being a worahaiilcic and an drunkard.Growing up as a kid I feared him becouse if I missbehavedÂ it wasen’t just one or two spanks it was like ten.I remember being spanked once fifteen times with a belt for flunking three classes.My mom never did drugs after she found out she was pregaunt with me.(I was the first born unfortanally)She clames she nver did meth or herion but, smoked pot and drinked jackie d’s.In some was i love and hate her becouseÂ she showed me how to read and bring kindness to the world.’Mouther is god in the eyes of a child”.That line was taken from silent hill and it’s true.For a few familys in this sick world.When my mom was angery or diden’t know how to dissapline me she eather called my dad or informend him when he got off work.”You just wait tell you dad gets home” stills rings in my ears when a walk through this house.
For some reason I finally stoped crying.Why I don’t know but my pellows still wet from crying before I started typeing this.This was sposted to be my reason for being “suicidal” but It’s just one fucked up of a story that I’ll end up wasting everybodys time on.I’m SOOOOOOO SORRY EVERYBODY;( I’ll jump back to the story.SORRY IT’S SO LONG.I lived being alone for a long time and was buillied alot becouse of who I am.Since I grow up around my mom and not my dad I wanted to be like mommy.(you know how little kids are)So I sat with my legs crossed in elemtery school,cheaked my face in the reflection(when nobody was looking),and was the Polite guy people at school hated.If puberty diden’t kick in than I propley would’ve been gay.(we know how that issue is with the world today)Anyways,as a I guy going through purbity I diden’t know about the”third leg”(I’ll be serious and i know i shoulden’t put things like that on this site so I’m varry sorry)I started stuffing my pants when in public so people woulden’t know.I have this issue still becouse I’m still a male virgin.I’ll “get one” without even thinking about sex or being around them and I’m not biosexual.I think it’s sposed to be”normal”for it to happen when somthing bumps “it”or certen suations.(Go ahead laff, and make fun of me.tell you friends,family,lover,and have a grand time laffing about the stupid emo gammer male virgin becouse I’m still going to die anyways so i don’t care anymore.They make videos about it like “American Pie”and “The 40 year old virgin” so I might as well be dead.)I’m not gay or anything I just don’t want to have sex.I’m not afraid of haveing sex someday it’s just that only 1 makes it in and all the rest of the “semen” die and each sperm is a human life.So if I have sex or doing somthing that would “make you go blind” than I would feel like I just killed thousands of unborn people and I don’t think I could live with it.I had a “wet dream” once and I wasen’t dreaming about any thing sexuall and i blame myself everyday for it.I read it was normal but i still hate myself for it.I just don’t wanna have sex untill after I’m married and people think it’s weird.I know it’s sposted to be special when you loss it and I want to be with that person for the rest of my life if I live that long.I am so sorry about puting this here but it at least one person puts a comment on this “life story” than I know at least somebody cares when I die.Â No I’m not sexual anericexea and that’s not the reason why I am going to die.
When you get picked on by literly everybody through out your life and you spend time alone in “video game land” as my mom woud put it.You just want a way out.I let everybody in on a few of my idols.The singers of breaking benjamin,greed,seether,puarl jam,and johm morrision.Christopher Mcandless.(see into the wild)and Johnathen davis(singer of korn)acully this has nonthing to do with how I’m going to die so my bad.
The reason I wanna die is becouse this world is so viloent and i don’t think i could go on.When you have a history of fear of people then you just wanna find a way out and I feel like my times coming soon.If I getÂ freinds againÂ or meet that “girl” and get married,and acully have kids and somthing happpends to them than I coulden’tÂ live with myself and to top it all I wanna be aÂ pyschollicatest.(or whatever how you spell it)So I could helpÂ people when they need a “Spider-man” to help them.So I won’t tell how I’m going to say how I’ll die.I want it to be creative.New.Somthing that hasen’t been done before.I’ll make sure to keep my orgians intackÂ due to me wanting to be a doner and donate my blood to thoust who need it.I’ve been preparein myself for the past six years.To thoust of you who read my story so far than thinks.I’m commienting suicide in three years so I have time to meet sombody to be friends with and know before I die.
Thanks for your time-
The “emo”with “Broken dreams”
(P.s Theirs more to this story that i haven’t reviled yet and propley never will to any one but explains the “Boren dreams” on my wasted life.I just donen’t fell like time right now.)