I’m currently feeling heavily depressed…. I never imagined that I would reach this state…my father has been belittling me ever since I was a child and now at the age of 23 i don;t have the strength to move on…  i remember arguing alot but lately … its clear that it was for nothing… lately i have been struggling to gain his approval.. only to fail miserably in his eyes…. I’ve lost contact with almost everyone I know..  I never realized how  alone I am….. my father always told me that I was nothing… never believed till now…  I pray constantly only to be left with a sense of confusion… I thought my life would change if i worked towards completing my degree and getting a job .. and eventually raise…. but it has just created more emptiness…. My mother along with my brother are the only reasons.. i haven’t taken my life yet.. and have given me the opportunity to spit my thoughts… most outsiders would look at my life.. and say hey thats not so bad.. i don’t have any student loans.. I managed to find a good paying job in a terrible economy.. and don’t have a family who dire neeeds… but yet the emptiness is just vast and never ending lately… I’ve been living my life only so that i would die on accident…get cancer or… get hit by a drunk driver… i’ve been looking up ways to commit suicide through google.. only to fall short to my habits of being extremely lazy and not following through with the suggestions… my its because i feel guilty for disapointing my brother… but i am pretty sure that when he goes back to college that feeling will slowly disapear and with the combination of my dads logic.. will eventually push to the edge… its so weird… i can’t believe i did this… how could i let my life spiral out of control… my fathers calls me lazy, ignorant, greedy, punk, and flat out stupid.. and i should have worked harder to overcome my vices… am i really all that… i thought and believed that karma existed in the world… and because of it i live life always being “nice” to ppl… i never have anything to say to ppl.. i’m extremely fat… i started losing my hair at the age of 14  and even through all of those hurdles .. i thought… i believed i would get stronger… but here i am writing on a sucide forum… live is so precious… i can’t believe i destroyed it… i am nothing…
2 comments
your still so young(: you can change the course of your life yourself without dying. I have problems with my mothers approval but I now choose to not listen to her hurtful words, I ignore them and move on because I know we’ll never get along, but I accept this. Like me, you can choose to not listen to what your Father says to you, ignore all the hurtful comments. You still have your mother and your brother who care very deeply about you even me! I’m sure they don’t judge you for who you are, and love you because you are a part of their family. Oh yes, Karma does exist(: keep doing your best to Help others and you will see, I promise.
Hey there lostconfused:
I know that things may seem so hard to bear right now as it relates to your overwhelming emotions but i hope that you can find the strength withing youself to survive. I refuse to pretend as if I know you or understand what it is that you are going through, but that wont stop me from giving you advice.
I know that your father belittles you and say things that hurt your feelings. However, I feel like you shouldn’t allow that you get you down. Your happiness should never be base on the way other people treat you or the things that they say. Your happiness should solely depend on you. Never allow anyone to get you down (including family and friends).
I know you said that your father calls you lazy, fat, greedy, stupid etc. But it is not what people call you, rather what you call yourself. Someone that is lazy would have never searched for a job and probably wouldn’t have been hired especially in these tough economic times. You should feel proud of yourself! As a young individual you do not have any loans, a great paying job and a wonderful future. Some adults twice your age cannot even say that for themselves.
I beg of you to stop focusing on the negative aspects of your life and dwell on the positive. Please stop looking to your father for acceptance and try to find it within yourself.
P.S. All of the horrible things that your father says about you are things that you can fix. Fat….you can always lose weight. Besides, who doesn’t battle with weight problems. Lazy…..you can always find things to get you up off the couch our out of the bed. Perhaps some sort of sport or anything worth your while. Greedy…….you can limit the amount of food intake daily. Find a good nutritionalist who can assist you with diet & exercise. Stupid…….this i wont even explain. A decent well paid job in these ecomic times says it all.
Stay strong and hold firm! I will keep you in my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk to or someone to befriend you, you can contact me at angeloflight91@hotmail.com. May peace be with you darling heart:)