I posted a few days ago about my situation. To keep it brief I won’t go into all that again, but basically I’m considering suicide and if it comes to that, it’s likely to occur within the next 2 weeks or so; or when my money runs out, whichever comes quickest.
A few things occured today that I find, ironic for lack of a better word. My mom picked me up and we’re driving to pick up my sister. She turns down the stereo to tell me a story. An old friend of hers, Gloria, called her last weekend and had some sad news. A very close friend of Gloria’s committed suicide last Friday by throwing herself onto some train tracks. The friend was 50 years old, and no one had a clue she was in such a state of mind. My mother is subdued and says “how tragic, how sad that she could do such a thing and for no one to know anything was wrong, so sad.” I cannot tell you how eerie this was as she told me this as I have been very meticulously planning my own suicide for the last 4 days.
Later on tonight, sitting in my mom’s living room, my sister starts talking about old singers/celebrities. Each one she reminisced about had died by suicide, a few of them had undiagnosed bi-polar disorders. She remarks how sad it is.
Earlier in the day I checked my email before leaving out and saw an email from an old friend. A man I fell in love with who didn’t reciprocate but for some odd reason will text message or email me once in a blue moon. He sent the email to me this past Wednesday, the day after I got fired (see my previous post). His email is short, asking what I’m up to, that he “had been thinking of me and it’s been so long since he’s seen me.” Within his email I could see the last email exchange he and I had had. It was in March 2009, and it was my first week of the very job I just got fired from. The last part of that old email we were both saying how we hated the DC area and wanted to escape. He mentioned how he hated it too and wished he could move to Europe or New Zealand. I had not remembered this email but ironically before losing my job, I’d been planning to go to New Zealand.Â
Speaking of, earthquake in New Zealand on the news yesterday. Images of the rubble made me so sad and I thought wow, the very place that I was so excited to go to, had even thought of living there, has this happen. I immediately took it as an omen, destruction, death. Then I hear there were no deaths reported in the quake. Then I think of life, survival, living. What’s going on?
Back at mom’s house tonight, my nephew sits next to me, puts his arm around me and asks me if we’re going to see the last Harry Potter movie together in November. I say yes, feeling guilty as fuck for knowing that I might kill myself way before then. He reminds me that the 2nd half of the movie doesn’t come out til next summer, “don’t forget auntie.” Oh man.
About a year ago I was very suicidal. Wanted to hang myself and was quite close to doing it. My phone rings and it’s my sister (who NEVER calls me usually) just wanting to chat, tells me she loves me. Next day mom calls for a chat. Blah, blah, blah OH! guess what happened, and she tells me about her co-worker…..so sad, her daughter aged 26 had died suddenly.
What is this? What is this oddity? I am not really superstitious but I can never deny when there are signs in front of my damn face. I’m meant to live? Are you serious? People are here thinking about me even when they haven’t seen me in ages, people love me and want to watch Harry Potter and laugh and play and talk and eat…..and they just so happen to always pick the times when I’m close to killing myself to remind me of it? Wow. Just wow. Life is funny as fuck! My situation has many elements to it, many things which are totally out of my hands and suicide is a very real option for me if things do not go well. I don’t understand what to do, I don’t want to be optimistic in case shit really hits the fan. But all these people give me signs of being ALIVE, of my place in their own lives when all I’ve thought about for the last 4 days is DYING.
What do you think of this? How would you feel if you were me?
5 comments
New Zealand – Another irony that occurred there is that while there were no deaths reported from the earthquake, there were 9 people tragically killed in a plane crash that occurred on the same south island of NZ -the same day!
I know exactly how you feel Anon13, I’ve been fully prepared and willing to blow my brains out the next weekend, but then someone asks me to do something that I would be heartless to refuse. How can people be so selfish and not let us die in peace?
@alluvion: what an inapropriate remark is that “how can people be so selfish and not let us die in peace?” !
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@anon13
Well, I did reply to your first posting, I dont know if you ve gone back to check for more comments.
I was saying that you dont qualify for suicide. Your application for suicide has been rejected. You are still a young girl, and the reasons you had for suicide were basically lack of money, no job, etc.
About the events that you relate, it is not the providency sending you signs, what happens is that that is your actual real world, a mother who loves you, a sister who loves you, a former boyfriend who (you can bet) would be very happy to see you and share time with you, etc, etc. That is your reality. Then you were inventing your own about suicide but obviously they clash, because you dont really belong to the suicide club.
I can bet anything that it would only take either a job you enjoy or a breakaway to another place for you to regard things completely different, and you would even be surprised that “back that time” you were posting suicide notes.
What I would do in your case, is print out all this suicide notes, sit down with your mother and …and start reading them out, yes, does she know about the sexual abuses ? and talk things in full. If you dont talk clearly, people make their own interpretations, say whatever, and then you also make your own interpretation based on the wrong feedback they got from you.
You cannot put yourself to a 2 weeks pressure either find a job or suicide,
that is nonsense and unfair to you. Your mother should be able to put you up, even if you have to sleep on a mattress on the floor. And in DC, I suppose for crappy jobs such as fat food restaurants, or so, there should be a post at least so as to pay your meals and also it would be better if your mother sees you are out seeking for a job than sitting at home watching tv. Arrange that with her, you will leave the house in the morning and will be out either working or trying to find a job and return home in the evening, that way you will have the time you need to rearrange things.
O
I don’t believe in coincidence but I don’t believe in fate either. How would I feel if I was you? I have no idea. But if that was happening to me…I’d take the hint, if only just to watch how badly they stuff up the Harry Potter movies.
Anon13: I just read your email and this post, this is what I would say in response to it (I will respond here and not in email or I’ll just be repeating myself)
I know your life sucks at the moment and I really understand why you think about suicide so much, but I really don’t think it’s a solution to your problems. I know I sound hypocritical as I see the world and the future as hopeless and not something I want to be a part of, but that is my truth, not yours. Your email and your post on SP screams of wanting help and not wanting to die. I know you said in your older post that you will never ask your mother for money again, but could that honestly be worse than killing yourself when you’re not really ready? If I was you, I would write your mum a letter and enclose the posts on SP. Don’t ask her for money, but detail exactly how you feel and although it’s not an ideal situation for anyone, you need help right now. It might not come down to money, maybe you could move back home for a while until you are back on your feet? You need help, you don’t need to kill yourself and I think you’re mad if you kill yourself before even asking for help. What’s the worst that could happen? No-one helps you and you kill yourself anyway! (that’ll teach em!) but at least that way you are not killing yourself because of what might be an irrational fear, you will know for sure if that fear became a reality or not.
Email me anytime about anything x