I posted a few days ago about my situation. To keep it brief I won’t go into all that again, but basically I’m considering suicide and if it comes to that, it’s likely to occur within the next 2 weeks orÂ so; or when my money runs out, whichever comes quickest.
A few things occured today that I find, ironic for lack of a better word. My mom picked me up and we’re driving to pick up my sister. She turns down the stereo to tell me a story. An old friend of hers, Gloria, called her last weekend and had some sad news. A very close friend of Gloria’s committed suicide last Friday by throwing herself onto some train tracks. The friend was 50 years old, and no one had a clue she was in such a state of mind. My mother is subdued and says “how tragic, how sad that she could do such a thing and for no one to know anything was wrong, so sad.” I cannot tell you how eerie this was as she told me this as I have been very meticulously planning my own suicide for the last 4 days.
Later on tonight, sitting in my mom’s living room, my sister starts talking about old singers/celebrities. Each one she reminisced about had died by suicide, a few of them had undiagnosed bi-polar disorders. She remarks how sad it is.
Earlier in the day I checked my email before leaving out and saw an email from an old friend. A man I fell in love with who didn’t reciprocate but for some odd reason will text message or email me once in a blue moon. He sent the email to me this past Wednesday, the day after I got fired (see my previous post). His email is short, asking what I’m up to, that he “had been thinking of me and it’s been so long since he’s seen me.” Within his email I could see the last email exchange he and I had had. It was in March 2009, and it was my first week of the very job I just got fired from. The last part of that old email we were both saying how we hated the DC area and wanted to escape. He mentioned how he hated it too and wished he could move to Europe or New Zealand. I had not remembered this email but ironically before losing my job, I’d been planning to go to New Zealand.Â
Speaking of, earthquake in New Zealand on the news yesterday. Images of the rubble made me so sad and I thought wow, the very place that I was so excited to go to, had even thought of living there, has this happen. I immediately took it as an omen, destruction, death. Then I hear there were no deaths reported in the quake. Then I think of life, survival, living. What’s going on?
Back at mom’s house tonight, my nephew sits next to me, puts his arm around me and asks me if we’re going to see the last Harry Potter movie together in November. I say yes, feeling guilty as fuck for knowing that I might kill myself way before then. He reminds me that the 2nd half of the movie doesn’t come out til next summer, “don’t forget auntie.” Oh man.
About a year ago I was very suicidal. Wanted to hang myself and was quite close to doing it. My phone rings and it’s my sister (who NEVER calls me usually) just wanting to chat, tells me she loves me. Next day mom calls for a chat. Blah, blah, blah OH! guess what happened, and she tells me about her co-worker…..so sad, her daughter aged 26 had died suddenly.
What is this? What is this oddity? I am not really superstitious but I can never deny when there are signs in front of my damn face. I’m meant to live? Are you serious?Â People are here thinking about me even when they haven’t seen me in ages, people love me and want to watch Harry Potter and laugh and play and talk and eat…..and they just so happen to always pick the times when I’m close to killing myself to remind me of it? Wow. Just wow. Life is funny as fuck! My situation has many elements to it, many things which are totally out of my hands and suicide is a very real option for me if things do not go well. I don’t understand what to do, I don’t want to be optimistic in case shit really hits the fan. But all these people give me signs of being ALIVE, of my place in their own lives when all I’ve thought about for the last 4 days is DYING.
What do you think of this? How would you feel if you were me?