Yeah this is not the usual suicide note, I’m sure either those who read it will not believe what I say and think there must be more to it than I say. Or my memory will be attacked for being ‘selfish, ungrateful, mental’ etc.
I’ve got everything that most people want out of life, so I don’t suffer the hardships that most people who want to commit suicide have (so I must be very selfish right). I have a good job, it’s a job I wanted and I quite like it (as much as anyone can like a job). I have friends, a good family and I’m attractive and have enough male attention (if I want it). I’m not depressed (I pestered my doctor about this for 4 years now), and I know how to have a ‘good time’, my social life is full (when I want it), we go dancing, to the theatre, traveling etc.Â
But over the past 10 years (I’m 31), I have tried to find a deeper meaning, a deeper connection with something or someone. I have thought a few times that I have found that either in a person who is not superficial/materialistic, or in a subject such as buddhism, spirituality, exploring the concepts of the universe, oh you name it, I’ve tried it! It’s worked sometimes as well – for a short while. Before I end up back here, the place that first appeared to me ten years ago. The place where I just can’t help but constantly think ‘what’s the point?’. Â I feel as if everything on offer in this life only brings a sort of surface happiness, not something that can go deep. Am I selfish because I need something more meaningful? Why are so many people happy with the meaningless and repetitiveness of this existence?Â
People say to me ‘but you never know what the future holds’ Â er well, I think I pretty much can actually, any half intelligent person would look at the average life, and the pattern that my own life and those around me has taken so far, and be able to draw a pretty good and reasonably accurate future from that. I don’t want marriage or kids, and I don’t have any desire to start my own company or save the planet. I don’t want to go to the same job every single day no matter how much I like it, and I can’t understand how anyone can do that! Surely that is a sort of mental torture, every day being the same? Surely? Come on! Am I an alien?Â
It’s not even just the job, it’s the things I have to do for my body, every single day. Maybe I just don’t like being human, having a human life. It seems so limited, so repetitive and so damn meaningless. I have spoken to so many people about this and sure, many of them give their idea of what is meaningful, but honestly, when you strip that down, whatever they say, it ends up meaning nothing really. I am of the thinking that relentlessly holding on the this pointless existence is the selfish thing, or at least as selfish as my wanting to throw it away.Â
If life is that meaningful then why do so many people become addicted to drugs, or booze and drink/inject every day away, into oblivion, rather than consciously experience it? What is the meaning for those who suffer at the hands of others? That’s a pretty cruel ‘meaning’ if you ask me.Â
In fact, since I seriously decided to kill myself, got a plan, and arranged everything; I have for the first time in my life, really felt something deep. My death means so much more to me than my life ever has.
So, that’s it, that’s my reasons for committing suicide, sorry I don’t have any sob story to tell.
7 comments
Well I hope you haven’t and I hope you can stay around here and contribute. You know why? Because i find your story fascinating and yet kind of encouraging at the same time. You can make a difference in other peoples’ lives, without even trying, you have an interesting story for many of us on here. Please stay.
dirty-protest – Oh god, this is what I suspected all along. I am younger than you are but I too really feel like I know pretty much what the future is going to be and I don’t want any of it. Do I last out a little longer to ‘experience’ some more, or do I pull the chain now? This is my dilema. Peace dirty-protest x
Honestly I’ve been exactly where you are now, I’m only 16 though. I’m going to be brutally honest with you. It seems like the best idea ever right? why waste anymore of my time in some meaningless life, well just saying, it isnt that easy, once you kill yourself you leave crap for everyone else who cared about you, even if you dont see the point im sure someone does and shouldnt that be good enough? Nvm, i know its not. It just really is a waste of a life, you seem like a really good persosn and i want to maybe, if you want to, get to know you a little bit better, we could share storiesand experiences. anyway if you want to i’m going to b here, if not then no pressure. i would really appreciate it. btw, i have something i would really like to share with you.
– Lunatic
Lunatic: I’ll go easy cause you’re only 16, but it doesn’t help and certainly doesn’t have an affect other than a negative one to suggest that someone who has great difficulty living and finding happiness, that they should continue the battle just to make others happy (who are already probably happy anyway).
Look, there are trillions of zillions of lives on earth. Ants, bees, wasps, mushrooms, weed,
germs, bacteria, monkeys,. No matter how they look or how small they are, every single one of them is a life!!
Lots of people say life is precious we should protect them.
When you brush your teeth, don’t you kill millions of germs living on your teeth? Do you feel any compassion about it?
Imagine you’re one of those germs living on someone’s teeth. Good food, it’s all nice and warm, life is fantastic, you got 32 wives and 62,937 kids to feed. All of a sudden, it gets flooded with Listerine and wipes out all your family. Isn’t it sad??
I admit that I sound insane but, can’t you see how meaninglessly lives die and eat each other?
I am just one of those innumberable lives in the world.
There’s just too many lives in this world. Not good for our ego eh!
Oh I’m not saying dirty-protest should kill herself, I’m just drawing attention to the life/death subject, it’s not the massive deal that us (our egos) think it is.
im 31, attractive and have everything u have described. im finding this abit freaky, almost like reading something i have posted myself. please if i give u my facebook name will u converse with me dirty-protest? lisa x
u must contact me please., this is more than a co-incidence. your soul speaks the same language mine does.
Dirty-protest; Your words
“I don’t want to go to the same job every single day no matter how much I like it…. It’s not even just the job, it’s the things I have to do for my body, every single day. Maybe I just don’t like being human, having a human life. It seems so limited, so repetitive and so damn meaningless”
Makes us twins. Your story is mine. I found the part about not even wanting to take care of the body directly on point. You’ve made your plan and are satisfied with it. Speaking from experience, you’d better make sure it works, or you will land in a different hell on earth (and likely lose your job, which would be a bad thing if you survive). One other thing you may want to think about; do you have a will? If you have any assets, they will all go to the state unless you specify otherwise. Now, that would be selfish. For instance, when I leave, my handyman will get my house and car because he deserves it.
Best of luck to you.