Yeah this is not the usual suicide note, I’m sure either those who read it will not believe what I say and think there mustÂ be more to it than I say. Or my memory will be attacked for being ‘selfish, ungrateful, mental’ etc.
I’ve got everything that most people want out of life, so I don’t suffer the hardships that most people who want to commit suicide have (so I must be very selfish right). I have a good job, it’s a job I wanted and I quite like it (as much as anyone can like a job). I have friends, a good family and I’m attractive and have enough male attention (if I want it). I’m not depressed (I pestered my doctor about this for 4 years now), and I know how to have a ‘good time’, my social life is full (when I want it), we go dancing, to the theatre, traveling etc.Â
But over the past 10 years (I’m 31), I have tried to find a deeper meaning, a deeper connection with something or someone. I have thought a few times that I have found that either in a person who is not superficial/materialistic, or in a subject such as buddhism, spirituality, exploring the concepts of the universe, oh you name it, I’ve tried it! It’s worked sometimes as well – for a short while. Before I end up back here, the place that first appeared to me ten years ago. The place where I just can’t help but constantly think ‘what’s the point?’. Â I feel as if everything on offer in this life only brings a sort of surface happiness, not something that can go deep. Am I selfish because I need something more meaningful? Why are so many people happy with the meaningless and repetitiveness of this existence?Â
People say to me ‘but you never know what the future holds’ Â er well, I think I pretty much can actually, any half intelligent person would look at the average life, and the pattern that my own life and those around me has taken so far, and be able to draw a pretty good and reasonably accurate future from that. I don’t want marriage or kids, and I don’t have any desire to start my own company or save the planet. I don’t want to go to the same job every single day no matter how much I like it, and I can’t understand how anyone can do that! Surely that is a sort of mental torture, every day being the same? Surely? Come on! Am I an alien?Â
It’s not even just the job, it’s the things I haveÂ to do for my body, every single day. Maybe I just don’t like being human, having a human life. It seems so limited, so repetitive and so damn meaningless. I have spoken to so many people about this and sure, many of them give their idea of what is meaningful, but honestly, when you strip that down, whatever they say, it ends up meaning nothing really. I am of the thinking that relentlessly holding on the this pointless existence is the selfish thing, or at least as selfishÂ as my wanting to throw it away.Â
If life is thatÂ meaningful then why do so many people become addicted to drugs, or booze and drink/inject every day away, into oblivion, rather than consciously experience it? What is the meaning for those who suffer at the hands of others? That’s a pretty cruel ‘meaning’ if you ask me.Â
In fact, since I seriously decided to kill myself, got a plan, and arranged everything; I have for the first time in my life, really feltÂ something deep. My death means so much more to me than my life ever has.
So, that’s it, that’s my reasons for committing suicide, sorry I don’t have any sob story to tell.