My partner commited suicide 2 years ago. It still hurts. His last words to me were: “I love you, always remember that.” It should have ran a bell.
Words dont come easy. I wish I could let it all go and move on. It’s different loosing a partner versus a family member. Somehow, the relationship is replaceable, I hope one day to have a new spouse. My friends wont ever have a new brother, son or father. His name was Mic. He was my soulmate. A broken one at that, but with such beauty and such love in his heart. What I miss the most is having someone who gets me, inside and out. who knows me deeply and loves me with all my quirks. Who ‘loves my dark and sees my light’.
I wish Love would have been enough to uplift his spirits and give him the strenght to face his inner demons and win over them. For me, it was enough. The love I had for him inspired me and nourished my soul in a way I’ve never felt before or since. He was my home. Life made sense when it was ours to share. I wanted to live to make him smile. Gosh, what a silly romantic I can be…
I failed to see the depth of his despair. He made sure not to show us.
I still dont understand how someone can just give up like that. After he died, I asked myself so many times why I was continuing on with life. What’s the point. If it’s all suffering. I went into depression for months. Nothing made sense, nothing felt right. I was scared all the time, like tragedy was hidden at every street corner. Like it could strike again and take away all my loved ones, myself included. I wanted to die, yet feared it with great angst.
Strangers were most helpful through those months. I couldnt show my grief to my close friends. I was so down and cynical. That phase subsided though. I can feel joy and hope again. It’s very recent, actually. It feels good, awkward, but good.
I wish I could have stopped him. I wish his best friend had taken down his door two days before he did. I wish he would have let us in. I miss him every day. I want to turn the page on this chapter of my life, the depression part. How to do away with the depression and rechannel the love and connection? How to be angry at him for abandonning, yet forgive him?
Mostly, I dont know how to move on. It feels like life will never feel ‘normal’ again. Something broke inside. I’m no longer naive. My priorities have changed a lot. There’re a lot of things I cant tolerate anymore, behaviours, drinking for example. Dating is weird. We never, you know, broke up. Mostly, taking the risk to really love and connect and let someone matter to me again is a huge challenge. I’m afraid of ever feeling such an emotional tsunami again. Fallin in love makes my heart cry… it’s the strangest feeling.
For all of you out there who are contemplating suicide, if you think the people around you will be better off without you, you’re wrong! absolutely wrong! Please reached out and give someone the chance I didnt get, the chance to be there for you and help you through this dark tea time of the soul.
that’s it for tonight. xo