Cursed with Life!

It was a little over 3 months ago when I took my overdose. I planned it miticulously. I had my paracetamol and tamezapam (mind you this sleeper was really unnecessary as paracetamol is toxic in VERY small doses!). I took the tablets and then within about half an hour I must have feel asleep, I don’t remember! Suffice to say the decision was made and I was a peace with it. I was ready to go! SOMEHOW noone told my primal self this, and at some point ‘it’ woke my body, dragged it to my cell phone and called for an ambulance! To this day I don’t know how or why it did this and the only record I have of this interaction is in my call logs! I had been out cold for over 24 hours before this call occurred and upon arrival at the hospital I was in liver failure (a fact I would not become aware of until a few days later). My recollection of events is sketchy at best, I don’t remember getting into an ambulance, nor do I remember arriving at hospital, nor do I remember anything of the events that within 24 hrs of arriving, but when I finally became ‘compus mentus’ I was very much aware of my liver failing, I was jaundice, in pain and had the headache from hell, but I was happy – OK so I had to play the concerned and ‘sorry’ patient, but inside I was delighted – I was on my way out! But deep down I knew I was going to survive – and BOY did that piss me off! within about 5 days I had gone from critical to recovery – NEVER have the words “you’re going to be ok” hurt so much! I wanted death, I was ready for it, I embraced it, and yet it was stolen from my grasp and here I was cursed with life. I still am. Every day is a nightmare, every day breeds pain, every day stings, like every nerve ending I possess sits bare and naked upon the surface of my skin exposed to the slightest touch. My friends life is difficult, you only have to google ‘suicide’ to see forum after forum of people pleading for a swift exit plan, but no such plan exists! Death does not come to those who seek it, who crave it – it’s cruel but true… those enjoying life to the full, those content and happy, those who embrace life to the full, are those who will be struck with illness, and ‘us’ who seek death, will find it impossible to achieve!

The reasons that lead me to my current state are of little relevance, as finding ourselves dissassocaited and disconnected from life for no matter what reason, is a hell! And what may destroy me, will not destroy another. However in writing, in reaching out, in seeking advice each of us is simply asking to be connected, to find something or someone that will take us from our lonely prison and allow us see the light once more!

I’ve been cursed with life and I have two choices, LIVE my life, or simply be alive! Right now I’m simply alive, but that’s a hard road to walk, with no reward or recognition, it just means that I choose to suffer each and every day. I pray every day that whilst I have this curse that I can find the strenght in me to choose life!

My mother read me a poem once (when I was in the height of my depression) which made me think. I’d like to share it; How you read this poem is like two people having a discussion… the first person (i.e. line 1,3,5 etc) is asking the questions, is the one in turmoil.. the second is answering (i.e. line 2,4,6 etc)

The Way

Friend, I have lost the way.
The way leads on.
Is there another way?
The way is one.
I must retrace the track.
It’s lost and gone.
Back, I must travel back!
None goes there, none.
Then I’ll make here my place,
(The road leads on),
Stand still and set my face,
(The road leaps on),
Stay here, for ever stay.
None stays here, none.
I cannot find the way.
The way leads on.
Oh places I have passed!
That journey’s done.
And what will come at last?
The road leads on.

~ Edwin Muir ~