So this is it, the truth as I see it; I cannot help any of you, just as you cannot help me.
Everyone thinks I’m so much better and stable now than I was when I was 14, but even though it is evident that I have improved if you took away the anti-depressants that got me here then I would just crumble again. The pills don’t make me happy, they make me more balanced and stable and unfortunately I rely on that and knowing that makes me feel shit, because it reminds me that I cannot cope on my own. Also I can’t tell my family about how desperate I’ve been feeling in the last three weeks and that I’ve been to the bridge over the bypass on numerous occasions, because it’s been that bad. I can’t explain to them the real reason that I am feeling suicidal when they just think it’s stress. I don’t want them to worry and be watching my every move like before, but I can’t live like this and I still can’t tell them, at least not until the very end when I’m gone.
I don’t belong in this world. I don’t fit in anywhere, not even in my own family. Rejection is not unfamiliar to me and so I’ve learned to isolate myself, so that I can deal with things without hurting others and that way they can’t hurt me either. Talking about it all doesn’t make it go away either, so I’m just stuck in this vicious circle that is my life and even though I think I might know how to break out of it, I’m not that brave and so the only way is down. I really don’t see any hope for me and you don’t even know the half of it.
That’s why you can’t help me and I can’t help you, because you’re the only one who can break the vicious circle in your life, but you already knew that. Knowing that there are other people like me in the world doesn’t make a difference it doesn’t help. I share my experiences with others when they come to me for help, because they know my history, but it never really feels like I’m helping them at all.
I’m just useless, that’s my truth.
2 comments
You are so wrong by saying that nobody can help you. Everything that you have just said, I’ve been there. For five years. In fact, I am still there. I understand what you are saying.. that hearing someone’s words of wisdom doesn’t make a difference to us. It seems like nonsense. Suicide has been the path I’ve been wanting to go for a long time, but have never found the strength. But you know what really got to me? Knowing I was loved. I don’t have a perfect family, and I don’t have many friends.. but I know that I am loved by someone. The fact that people are even on this site replying to the hopeless says a lot to me. It says that they care.
I cannot bear to hear any more suicides happening, it pierces me. What I would hate even more is knowing that I was able to help someone yet failed.
You’re not useless and please don’t have me fail. Maybe we can help each other. I share my experiences, too. Email me, please: dx7718@wayne.edu
You’ve obviously missed out on the triviality discussion. I’m not suggesting you should be happy or satisfied or anything at all for that matter. I’m only suggesting that you consider how absolutely trivial everything is. It’s a much more entertaining framework to work from. That way you can be miserable without all of the extra bits that you seem to be adding in unnecessarily.