How to stop this without seeing a Doctor?

I’ve been suicidal for over a year

I’m 14

Between the ages of 7-12 I was forced into sex and sexual abuse by my brother.

I tried to get help without going to my parents. I had tried to kill myself and my friend told me I should talk to someone about it as soon as I could. So I did. I went to a school teacher and told her about it. She told the child protection officer who told my parents and the police. They tried to put me into care. My mother refused to beleive what I’d told the teacher. She shouted and scream at me and a few days later she said it was my fault it happened anyway.

I had therapy for it (my mother made me go) and it DID help but I only went 4 or 5 times as my mother never made apointments and didn’t give me the lady’s number.

My best friend, who knew nothing about this had moved away a year before. I never told anyone how upset this had made me and I don’t know if it triggered it or not.

My brother came out as gay around the same time. It made me feel used and worthless.

But now I have some friends, and I think I’ll get better. When I’m old enough (16) to have therapy that won’t involve my parents if I have to say stuff about my brother. I never told my therapist I’d tried to kill myself. I’ve tried a couple of times. Needless to say I woke up vomiting up painkillers and alcohol and my parents didn’t notice. They didn’t notice rope bruises around my neck either. But meh, I don’t want them to know, they’ll only be angry with me. (and yeah – my mother will always blame someone else. She’s probably depressed too tbh. I daren’t ask.)

So at the moment, I guess I could be a suicide survivor. I still feel numb and empty sometimes but I have friends who know when I need distracting and when I need talking to 🙂