Okay…so I have just recently found this site. All I know is that I want to get out how I’m feeling..and I have no one to talk to…I guess letting numerous strangers read this..makes me feel heard in some sort of way. I have felt suicidal for so long now. I really don’t know if I really have the guts to do it..but I have come so close countless amounts of time. People say it’s selfish..well I guess depending on how you look at it, it kind of is. But when you’re feeling this way..you could really give two fucks. I mean, don’t get me wrong..I have loved ones that I would never want to hurt. I just don’t know how to make this feeling go away.
I guess I could start with myself. Hi, I’m 18 years old. Female. Graduated high school last June. I recently just moved thinking this would get me away from the problems..but really they stay with you no matter what. You can’t run away.
People have always thought of me as the happy/giddy girl. I’m known for my smile and giggle and how I can make anyone laugh with little effort. They are so wrong. It kind of goes to show how you think you know a person..but really you have no idea. How well do you really know your closest loved ones? Or friends? I don’t think anyone has truly taken the time to look past my smile.
I guess I should just dish the details because I really want to get this all out on the table for anyone to hear. Everything is fucked up…here it is:
I’ve grown up around things that I believe no child should grow up seeing. My mom has had a couple of boyfriends throughout my life where I had to grow up watching them beat her. I would scream and cry..but I was little,I couldnt do anything about it.. my dad has been in and out of my life. He used to never even talk to me..but then boom! out of nowhere he shows up and likes to try to buy my affection..then later complains that he doesnt want to see me because i “take all of his money”..but then if i dont take it im insulting him apparently. I have two little brothers who mean the world to me. It’s weird that I feel like they are my own…I’ve raised them since they were babies, because my mom couldn’t.
My mom. My whole life I never quite understood what was going on with her until just recently. She has always been an either sleeping all day type of person or gone out somewhere. A year ago she left me and my brothers without any kind of explanation.. a month later she told me how for 13 years she has been addicted to meth. Which explains her 13 years of neglect towards me and my brothers. I never had the parent i’ve always wanted…and i hate her for that..dont get me wrong i love her..but i hate her for just that. anyways..so a month ago she comes back….oh and get this-it’s the day before i’m moving. expecting me to stay. i left.
so now here I am still empty. I’m not trying to pin my problems on others..but dragging these stories on. I’ve tried to help piece my family back together…but it never works. I try to help make things better…things just get worse. When does this end? I think we all say to ourselves..hey..this will get better. I have my whole life ahead of me..if i just ride this out a little longer..itll get better. well how long of this do i have to endure. I’m constantly being judged by my family and others. I’m not doing anything good enough for anyone. I just take pound after pound from everyone (which i dont think they know how overwhelming that gets) plastering on my cheesy smile.
I just think..hey lets take these pills and go to sleep..and stay asleep. that would be nice.. but then i get to where im too afraid to do it because that whole “hope” things creeps into my head. I don’t want to die… but I don’t know what else will make this stop. It seems like once one issue is done..another pops up.
my friends dont understand. my best friend who knows me better than anyone else doesnt even understand. she tries to..but she cant know until shes gone through what i have. I love her to death though for being there for me the best she can.
I have cut myself…not to kill myself..not for attention. To feel pain. I wanted a pain I could control and once I did it..I felt strangely better. I always made sure I did it on my upper thigh or the back of it so no one would see. I would tear the rubber end off the end of a bobby pin stretch it out..do my thing..then go off and do whatever.
Lately I’ve just had a lot of pent up aggression. I feel bad for the people I have had my outbursts towards…I really don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes. Anytime I try to tell a parent about how I’m feeling..I’m “over dramatic.”
I just feel lost and I really wanted to get this out. I know there are many other people struggling as well..I hope the best for all of you. For whoever read this all of this..thank you..it means a lot to me. Does anyone have any advice other than the obvious?