I found myself researching the best ways to kill yourself tonight and stumbled across this site and I’ve read some incredible stories and I’ve decided to share my own. Well I’m currently a 22 year old (23 in 2 days) college student that’s basically sick and tired of dealing with everything life has dealt me. I’m supposed to be graduating in a month and a half and I’m currently deciding if I should carry this out before graduating or after graduating. Early last year I tried to overdose twice in a 3 week period but unfortunately I was found and both times I was put on a respirator and saved. I have attempted to cut myself once last summer but I think that’s just not for me. Here are the reasons I currently hate my life and things that have depressed and led to all of this…
1. I had a best friend that I had opened up to about all the things that have bothered me my whole life and I’d never told anybody. I don’t know why but it just happened that way. We got very close and to the point that there is nothing we didn’t know about each other. Soon after I realized he was the most selfish person I’d ever met and would do anything to anybody as long as he gets what he wants. He continually fucked me over like coming to my bedside in the hospital after my first attempted suicide (he’s the one that called the ambulance) and saying everything would move forward yet when I got out he wouldn’t even talk to me or respond to any of my calls or text. Anyways we have been best friends for the past 2 years and we’ve pretty much been inseparable the whole time. There are so many things he’s done to upset me but for some reason he’s the only one I talk to about things that upset me. A few days ago I told his girlfriend how he’s cheated on her at least 20 times since I’ve met him because it’s been bothering me since I met him since I think cheating on your bf/gf is so terrible, and that could possibly ruin that girls life just like he’s done to me. He’s convinced his gf that I’m a psycho and she thinks I’m making everything up just to try and break them up and he recently moved out of our apartment and it’s driving me crazy.
2. I’ve had the same off and on girlfriend for the past 5-6 years (since high school) and until recently I’ve finally realized that we’re not going to work out. I think for so long I’ve tried so hard to not fall in love with her because I didn’t want to disappoint her because I’ve always kind of known this is how my life would end up. Not to mention we fight all the time but we still manage to have fun sometimes together. I think she gets really angry because she knows there are so many things that bother me and I don’t talk to her about them until I blow up. Now I feel like I’ve passed all opportunities to find the right girl and it’s so hard to find a girl that meets my standards when my self-confidence is so low.
3. I was a very well known athlete in high school and my senior year I quit the football team 2 games into the season. I was a huge disappointment to my family, friends and coaches. Every since then I feel like I’ve taken the easy way out and if there’s something that bothered me I would just quit. Maybe that’s why I want to quit life now.
4. I’m graduating with a accounting degree and I have no clue where I’m going or what I’m doing. I’m going to be $80,000 in debt and I don’t even think I want to go into the accounting field. I can’t find a job or internship in that area right now that I can get and I’m not sure I want to. It’s too late to switch majors and honestly I just can’t afford it.
5. My parents have been a huge stress on my life constantly fighting since I was little. Almost two years ago my dad suspected my mom of cheating and it’s driven my brothers and I insane since then. The first day my dad found out, I was in the hospital for a surgery I had and they decided to get in a fist fight in my hospital room and I had to jump out of bed to break them up while I was hooked up to like 10 different machines literally hours after I got out of surgery. They got into another huge fight last year on Christmas Eve and my brother had to tackle my dad off his gun case and my dad then left with a bunch of pills and proceeded to call both of my brothers and I and say goodbye to us while we were at the police station. My mom use to be so fun but now my dad doesn’t let her do anything without him and my dad and I have had a terrible relationship and I don’t like being around him.
6. I had a weight lose surgery that I’ve regretted ever since I had it almost 2 years ago. While I have lost a lot of weight and feel better physically, it has no doubt affected me mentally. I think food use to be my go to when I was depressed and since my surgery I’ve had nothing. I thought I’d find a beautiful gf, but I haven’t had the heart to get away from my current gf that is overweight and unattractive to me. I mean honestly if I hate myself being overweight enough to get surgery then what makes her think I want extremely unhealthy gf. No I am not shallow and I don’t judge everybody by their looks but I don’t want a gf that’s bigger than me when I weigh 230.
7. I was president of my fraternity and left for an accounting internship. I was making all kinds of money at it but I quit because I was in a big city all by myself and I knew bad things were about to start happening so I went home. At that time nobody knew I was crazy and I had to continually find excuses to tell people for why I left. When I went home I shared some of my thoughts with my best friend and one night he decided to call the cops to my parent’s house and that’s when everything really started to go downhill. So in March of last year I drove by myself all the way to Florida and planned to spend my last couple days on a beach and then OD. I made the mistake of sending a text and the cops were able to track my phone and they found me at a hotel.
8. My older brother had sex with a 12 year old his senior year in high school which was my junior year. It was all over the news and city newspapers. It was a huge embarrassment and it pretty much ruined my senior year of high school. Not to mention it was with my mom’s best friend’s daughter. He ended up going to jail and it really tore me apart but it was something I never talked to anybody about. One day I stumbled on his journal for the classes he had to go to and I opened it to a page that said all the sexual contact he’s had with people. I saw my cousin’s names on there and my name was even on there. Apparently when we were younger he made me suck his dick and it really disgusts me to even think about it. Anyways it’s pretty awkward now between me and him plus my old best friend that got into hard drugs once we went to college is now best friends with him and they’re always together when I go home.
9. My younger brother recently came to college and is a freshman at the same school as me. He’s recently told my mom that he is very depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I blame myself partially since I know the fact that he found me the second suicide attempt and had to do CPR on me which I’m sure has contributed to his depression.
10. I have a huge fear of seeing somebody I love die, clearly not myself dying though. Nobody close to me has ever died, except my dog that I was very close with died about a month ago. I constantly find myself imagining myself being at one of my loved ones funerals and I can just sit there and cry. So if I go now I will never have to experience any of this.
Alright I’m tired of listing this because I could go on forever. Basically the way I see it is I’m going to end up one of 3 places in the next few months; dead, prison, or a psych ward. If I tell somebody the way I feel then they’re going to just through me back into a mental hospital. The fact that I consider myself a pretty intelligent person allows me to put on a fake front to the Dr’s and I can get out pretty much whenever I want though so it really doesn’t help me. I could end up in prison because I honestly think there’s enough anger in me to seriously hurt somebody. There’s honestly a part of me that wants to make my friend feel alone like he made me feel several times. So that’s why I’ve decided to take myself out of the entire situation. People can’t live your life for you and it’s not them that have to go through the pain that you go through every day. They can call it selfish or whatever they want, but aren’t they acting selfish trying to make you live your life the way they want? It may not be right, but the fact is its life and it’s what some people choose. So let me know what your thoughts are and if you have any quick and easy ways to kill yourself. I could never see myself using a gun so I’d prefer some sort of poison or OD.
7 comments
You should just get out of town after you graduate and find a job somewhere, leave all that behind, dude. Do a clean slate. Join the army or something.
Sleep pills. That’s all I recommend. I mean, you’re gonna be asleep when you die so it’s kinda peaceful. Just take some, lay down, sleep. Only this time you won’t be waking up. Or maybe you will in some other cool place (whether it be heaven or not). Be sure to send us an e-mail when you get there!
I’m with _ramone_, I really think that you should get out of there.
At least travel to some other country during a week or so. Come to Europe.
Well, what do you have to lose? You can OD or something whenever you like, there or in some other place.
If you’re gonna end your life why not try one last thing?
I agree with _ramone_ but really don’t try suicide. It’s not worth it and it doesn’t relieve the pain. Your valuable and a great assest to this world. Do something fun to take your mind off things.
You are going to be okay. i can tell by reading your story. i hear hidden strength. I hear a passion. You are going to be just find.
mrslindseylambert@gmail.com
I’m currently a junior in college so I relate to a lot of this. I am going to take longer with my degree plan than I wanted because I changed majors and I am still not sure I did the right thing. I’m also involved in the greek system as well. So maybe if you need someone to talk to then I might be the right person. I know I love to listen and not judge. So if you need to talk then hit me up. rodeochick235@comcast.net
When reading your story, I feel like I am reading a story I would write. Almost the same exact stuff going on in my life. If you need someone to talk to I am hear for you.. I am a 21 year old Junior in college so we are the same age almost, we can work through this together.