Why do some of us want to kill ourselves? I have also felt like that for so long. It’s just an underlying feeling most of the time and sometimes becomes overwhelming. I have a son who was 5 when I tried it the first time. My sister got me to the hospital and I ended up okay, just really sick from the charcoal they made me eat. I’ve kept it away but lately can’t stop thinking about it. He’s a teenager now, I’m married to a great man, in school with a very promising career ahead, and my family is dysfunctional but we love each other so much. I feel like I’m just crazy, barely holding it together and it’s hard me to even be married b/c I know he’s starting to see it. I just can’t help it lately. I want to die everyday. My kid is a wreck right now. I know it would be so much harder for him without me. It was just the two of us for so long. I think what keeps me holding on is how sorry I felt I would have been had it worked out last time. He had no one else who could care for him like I could. I feel like such a crappy mom lately. Yelling and screaming and crying, and yelling, screaming and crying, around and around. I just want to go. But I keep thinking that one day he’ll be older and doing well enough that it won’t be so bad for him to lose me.
How do any of you, who also regularly just want to leave all of this, deal with getting through every day? How do you handle close relationships? Those are the hardest and I think I really suck at it. I feel like when someone sees me lose it I better get the fuck away and quick. I don’t like people to see me that way. It usually just comes across as me being mad b/c it’s the easiest disguise. The closest I can get to even telling my husband how I feel is stating that sometimes I feel like I need to go somewhere else, to just not see anyone, that I wish the world was empty. Really, I just want to leave it. I think people who have not considered leaving can’t understand. I know he loves me and I’ve wanted to ask for his help but I also don’t necessarily want to alert him in case I decide to do it later. I guess there’s always ways to do it still.
Glad to know I’m not the only one but sorry for all of you, too, that you feel this way. It really just hurts.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
this so-called “Real world” can be so unnecessarily cold and harsh place to live. Maybe due to all the competitions and people are blinded by money and status, that it makes us very INHUMANE.
no wonder those of us who are belong to Highly-Sensitive Person type (abbreviated as HSP, go google it) who’re able to ‘connect’ and FEEL so much of what’s going surrounding us, when seeing this so-called Reality, often just feel suicidal and feels like the world is all dry, and cold…although it’s not necessarily always like that (ie: there are STILL good people, beautiful things, etc in this Life).
Also, maybe that’s why there are artists and great arts being made to always reflect upon this truth. just like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7HFO37RtwI
and this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOShbNkxkX8
hope your soul can get comforted somewhat by watching these two beautiful animated videos..
You are not alone in all this painful struggles.
Dear imjustme,
you sound sooo just like me. I’m 45, got two teenage sons, and I too cannot think about anything else but killing myself. I have tried once, long time ago, when I was 21, but I remember it as if it was yesterday. Search back for some of my posts, and you can read bits and pieces of my story; a few days ago I posted a poem, titled “Peace”. Maybe you can relate to it?
Basically what has happened with me, is that earlier in my life such bad things have happened to me, that I had to resort to suicidal phantasies to cope, and now this has become a habit/addiction/compulsion, so I cannot stop this kind of thinking. So even when I am not depressed, I can be suicidal as hell, but I think I am depressed most of the time as well.
It’s actually an addiction in the very clinical/medical sense of it, and I am taking Naltrexone for it, which helps a bit but not enough, and now they think I might have also OCD regarding the suicidal thoughts, and I am just starting a new medication on that, which has not yet started to take effect.
In August I nearly ended it all, I had already ordered a bottle of helium, and written my letters, and set a date, then someone from this site talked me out of it. Now I am getting close to the same state of mind, I may have to check myself into hospital (again!). Like you I cannot bear the thoughts of doing this to my boys, especially since my husband (second husband) is not the boys’ father, and the boys’ father is an abusive, narcissistic sociopath who I don’t want in their life anymore. I too dream of the time in about five years, when my youngest will be 20, and maybe, just maybe, they will be able to cope with my death.
How do I get from day to day? In my case I have lots of friends I can talk to. I try to do lots of things which occupy my mind totally, creative stuff especially. When I do something which requires all my concentration, I get a break from the incessant suicidal thoughts. But it never lasts, as soon as I relax they are back. Its the last thing I think before a fall asleep, and the first thing when I wake up. My husband knows, a bit, but he cannot handle the full severity of it. Some friends know the full story, and that really helps. I also see a psychologist regularly, and am under the care of a very good psychiatrist.
And I agree with you, it JUST HURTS. It just hurts simply to live.
I understand both of you. I have been struggling with these thoughts for a while now. I have become a great actress. My husband is clueless on my feelings. My friends and coworkers samething. I have mastered such an art about crying and screaming through the day. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I was crying at the table. I was talking to my family and the tears just started going down my face and no one noticed. I have spoken to my husband about my feelings and he complains about money. He laughs at suggestions I may have. So I just do not say anything to him anymore. My parents are clueless as well. I tried to talk to my mom a few times and I get well with a story and then topic changes. I have tried to call some of my friends about the situation but they have their own life to deal with and I know they cannot comprehend how I feel.
I guess I should state the reason I feel this way. I seem to be a very smart person, but truth be told I am a fat, not so smart, and sad all the time person. No one is aware of this. When you are a former model and you reach 200 plus pounds doesn’t feel that great (yes I have tried everything its genetic). I have a masters degree but I have a hard time seeing what others see in the workplace (doesn’t work well with promotions). The main reason I am sad is my husband and I want another child. I have had two failed IVF. To get to the level of IVF you put your body through some serious crap and that goes on for years. I was recently told I have poor egg quality. That is the kiss of death in fertality. They cannot use my eggs to have a child. When you pay a doctor over 45 grand and they do not want to take anymore money you know it is the truth. So in short my husband and I want more children, but I cannot have them, unless I do donor egg. I am not real crazy about that idea. So lately I cry everywhere I go and no one notices. I cry in the car, in the bathroom at work, while my husband is sleeping, while it looks like I am laughing, watching movies, playing with my kids, and no one notices. Last Thursday I sat at the end of the bed for three hours crying and thinking enough is enough. I thought of all the ways I could end it. It all came back to insurance for my family. Insurance doesn’t pay if it is sucide. So being told you are old at 38 isn’t something anyone is ready for. I am just trying to function day by day. I am aware if I do it, no one will care. Sure they will be upset for maybe a week, life will go on and things will get right back to normal. I want another child so bad. I pray and talk to God everyday. However, no anwser, signs, hints, or conclusions about this situation. I would really like to adopt, but I know my husband does not want that. I feel like an old, fat, useless woman, just going through the emotions day by day. The only reason I have not done anything is for my kids.
I understand how you are feeling, but I do not have an anwser. I handel close relationship by faking it. I am really good at it. My life is so messed up and no one knows it. I through a party for my husband birthday and was told it was so beutiful. No one knew as they were talking I was thinking about downing pills. I asked God for a coma, but no such luck. I could even have a breakdown and everyone would forget for a while and then it would be back to the same. Life isn’t fun and many times I just pray that I will fall asleep and not wake up. Of course those are on the days I actually sleep. I am faking sleep as well. I told you I am a great actress.
I think it’s important for all of us to find someone we can be open with, even if wearing the mask has become seconds nature. It’s difficult though, I find that most people are great in a crisis, but few people can last the distance, when problems just don’t go away but stretch fro weeks to months to years, and every turn for the better is followed by another relapse.
Kelly790, have you sought professional help? A miscarriage, failed IVF, infertility, that’s a lot to handle and can send the best of us over the edge. You need to be not just alive but healthy (mentally) for the kids you do have.
Sorry, same for you imjustme, have you considered getting help? I know that would probably mean opening up to your husband, but that might be a good thing, it was for me.
It does not mean you close the door for “leaving”, ultimately nobody can keep you from doing that if you decide so. But it may open doors of hope.
I cannot promise my kids I will survive this, but in my heart I promised them to do all I can to fight it, and that includes friend, meds, and therapy.