well lets see… my name is Eric. i’ve never really had good social skills throughout my life i’ve always been the more quiet type who needs a little extra motivation to come out and talk to people. Im 16 years old, im on the high school wrestling team, i have a good amount of friends i could say, im not bad looking but i have always been very self consious about myself with small things such as not being very tall (5’5″) , having bony wrists and being rather slender due to my metabolism, and some minor acne that just wont seem to go away no matter what i do. and i know i should try not to let things like this bother me but they do..
One of my problems is that i have a very hard time trusting anyone. im not quite sure when this started but i think my best friend of Â 5 years has a lot to do with it. his name is jonathan, when we first became friends he had lied to me about anything and everything to make himself seem like the coolest guy i knew, eventually i caught on to all this lying and confronted him about it and ever since then he has gotten better but i know that he still does it just not as much and throughout our friendship he has betrayed me three times and each time i forgave him because he had made up some excuse whether it was his “selective memory”, “depression” or any conditions he made up about himself. It makes me sick that he would lie about himself saying all these things are wrong with him when its obvious to me that he only does these things for attention because he tells everyone and uses it to make people feel sorry for him, usually so he can get something out of it. i know i shouldnt Â be friends with a person like this but yet he has been there for me many times when i needed him most.
anyways, what i really wanted to talk about is a girl that i just cant seem to get over… Her name is Monika. It all started last summer about 4 months ago, one night when I was walking with my bestfriend to go see his new girlfriend whom i had never met. When we got to her house i met her(his girlfriend) and her bestfriend Monika. now i know most of you dont believe in love at first sight and i dont really believe in it either but something about her just made me feel like i had to make her my girlfriend. She is the most beautiful girl in the world, she is as tall as me, has rather short black hair, brown eyes and a very mysterious look about her. so i walk up to her and introduce myself and we go for a walk together. We talk for a while until I had to leave with my friend because of the 11PM curfew (were 16 remember). When I said goodbye i asked if i could have her number, gave her a hug, then looked into her eyes and we kissed, it didnt seem real, like i was in a dream, it was amazing…then i asked her to be my girlfriend which she very happily accepted. then we both went back to our homes for the night..
for the next week she would call me and we would talk on the phone every night and we really begin to like eachother, i didnt get to see her during that week because she is a foster child and went to visit her mother for that week. when she got back it was around midnight and she just had to see me and i felt the same way. When I get to her house we hug and she invites me inside. meanwhile her foster parents are asleep upstairs, we go her room which is completely dark and sit down on the bed(sorry if i am giving to many details but it theres more). We started kissing and that led to making out and she said she wanted to have sex. It was not my first sexual experience with a girl and i was aware enough to bring a condom Â but it was the first time acutally having sex. so we had sex and i learned that she was also a virgin. it hurt a lot for her so she wanted to stop so we did. We put our clothes back on and to avoid making things awkward I told her i had to go home. I told her i love her, gave her a kiss and left.
The next few days we only talked on the phone because she was not allowed to leave the house because of family problems. Everything was going good until a week after that night. She called me and told me she wasnt feeling well, and that she thought she could be pregnant. I reassured her that she was not pregnant that her body wasnt used to sex and that it could make her feel like that. The next day she called again and told me she still thought she was pregnant and that she wanted to have a pregnancy test I told her i would take her to get one tomorrow. the next day she didnt answer my calls. she called later that night and told me that she was in fact pregnant because she said she took a pregnancy test, without me. I didnt know what to say… A million thoughts were going through my mind… I was not ready to be a father… she told me that she did not believe in abortions. I told her that neither of us were ready to be parents but the decision would be hers if she wanted to keep it or not and i told her that whichever she chose i would support her. but i couldnt help but have this doubt in my mind. it had only been one week. im quite sure that it takes at least two weeks to know if you are pregnant, but she wouldnt lie… would she? Â The next day she called me and told me there was no more baby. I didnt know what to say? could she really have gotten an abortion that day? without telling me? none of this made sense.. I knew she had to be lying.. but why? Â We talked on the phone for the next few days and things seemed to go back to normal. it has been two weeks not since that night and i would finally get to see her again…
We met up at the park, i was with jonathan, and we left him and walked around, but something was different.. she was not herself.. she wouldnt even smile. i knew something was wrong.. i told her lets talk about it but she said it was nothing. i tried to make her feel better but she didnt want to talk. i was so confused.. i wanted to make her feel better but she wasnt helping me at all.. after a while jonathan came over to talk to us and she began smiling and talking to him like nothing even happened. I didnt know what to do. I asked her if she was being serious. did she think this was a joke? she didnt say anything back.. I broke up with her right there, i felt like i had no choice.. i couldnt just let her play these games with me… it didnt seem to hurt her at all. i left. It hurt me the most. later that night she called me begging me to get back with her that she was stupid and that she was sorry. but i was so mad and i began to stop trusting her.. i said no… will i regret this dicision for the rest of my life?
now im not the type of guy that cant get over a girl and i have been thru enough relationships to know how to get over a heartbreak.. But its been 2 months now and im still not over her. i called her a week after we broke up to try to talk to her and she said she still liked me but she would not go back out with me. I’ve been so depressed ever since. I’ve tried getting new girlfriends but it just isnt the same.. I didnt even know her that well but yet i feel like i cant live without her.. I think about her all the time.. so much that i dont even realize im doing it anymore.. She still texts me every couple of weeks but she doesnt say much except how she is so happy with her new boyfriends its like she is trying to get me jelous.. i hate it. I miss her so much.. I never thought i would be like this over a girl. but i am afraid to tell her. she has destroyed my life. im not the same person anymore. im failing my classes. im ignoring my family and friends. im spending a lot more time alone. and i just started cutting myself for the first time yesterday. the thing that scares me the most is that i liked it. the feeling of the razor blaze going into my flesh.. it distracts me from the pain which she left me.. but it always comes back. I cant stop thinking about her… its ruining my life… i dont know what to do anymore. I love you Monika.