3 Failed Suicide attempts.

This is going to be pretty long but please read.

To give you a little background, Im in my early 20’s. ive never done drugs or had any alcohol. ( I have family members who have been addicted to drugs and alcohol and I didnt want to end up like them) In March 2010, I was hospitalized due to being in horrible unbearable pain. I was put in the Progressive Care unit and had a Picc line inserted. No Dr was sure what was wrong with me. The finally decided it was my pancreas. This scared me to death because Pancreatic Cancer runs in my family. It killed my grandmother. I was not allowed to have anything to eat or drink for 2 WEEKS! When my condition got worse, they transferred me to a bigger, more advanced hospital. I had procedures and was sent home. Since then Ive been in and out of the hospital constantly. Im unable to keep most things down and the everyday pain just gets to me.

In August, I was hurting and after a week of not being able to keep liquids down, I went to the ER. They treated me with pain and nausea meds and sent me home. The next day, I felt worse and my Dr advised me to go to the ER again. So I did. This time I was treated horribly. They were treating me like a drug addict. I do not take any medicine at home for my pain. I have scripts for Percocets, Dilaudid, Morphine and Duragesic patch. I refuse to get these filled because of the addiction factor.  All I rely on it regular tylenol and aleve. Anyways, I told the ER Dr I was fed up with hurting and if I was sent home, I was going to kill myself. She said ” Oh well! You will have your husband with you and I trust him to not let anything happen to you” I told her that he would eventually go to work. She sent me home anyways and didnt even write on my chart that I was suicidal. Needless to say, we got home and I went into the bathroom and took couple bottles of my blood pressure medicine. My husband found me and called an ambulance. I tried refusing help but the cops made me go. I went to the Hospital and they made me drink activated charcoal. Yuck! Everything went fine and they kept me in observation for an hour and then my heart rate and blood pressure went crazy. My pulse was in the 190’s . I dont remember my bp but for some reason it was also high. They kept putting ativan into my IV. After 12 hours in the ER, I was transferred by Ambulance to a hospital with a Psych unit.  I felt very weird there. I was in with all the older people ( because of my health condition) They let me stay in my room for 3 days. Didnt check on me or ask me how I was. No therapy or anything like that. I was so happy to be released, I promised myself  if I attempted again I would make sure it was a success.

Two days after my release, when my husband got called into work, I took a bottle of sleeping pills, and whatever else I could find around the house. I wasnt expecting him back home for a while. I had went upstairs and I dont remember much after that. I remember some of the Ambulance ride to the hospital. My EMT was so nice to me and kept telling me I was too pretty to kill myself. At the ER the nurse put a Cath in me and ran fluids through my IV. I dont remember seeing the Dr but I was so tired. My ER room had a security guard sitting outside of it plus I had a camera pointed at me. My husband stayed by myself the entire time. The nurses and Drs didnt care much about what was going on. My heart rate got down to 20 and my resp. rate kept going to 2 and 3 breaths per minute. The Dr just let the alarms go off. I was in the ER for 15 hours and then transferred to the same Psych Unit I was at before. This time I was here for 2 weeks. While here, I was transferred to the ICU after being there for a couple of days. My vital signs were so unstable. My heart rate would be at 165 while I was sleeping, then it would drop to 25. Once I was better I was forced to go to therapy which consisted of me being put into a room with Alcoholic and Narcotic Anon.  I was there for “Pain Group” but since the demand for a separate pain group wasnt enough, Us pain people had to sit in with these other groups. I so hated that and after 2 weeks, I signed a paper to have myself released.

I was doing good (mentally) but as my health got worse, I went back into the depressive mood. The Antidepressants they had me on seemed to make everything so much worse. It made the suicidal thoughts 100x worse. They were always on my mind and I seemed to be obsessed with it.  In mid October, I took another overdose . I have no clue what I even took and I did it while my husband was home. I told him I didnt care anymore and he should just let me die. Of course, he busted down the bathroom door and dragged me to the car. I was alert enough he didnt feel he needed to call an ambulance. About 2 blocks away from the house, I kept slipping in and out of consciousness. I dont remember much of the car ride but I remember him pinching me very hard to keep me awake. At the ER, I lied to the triage nurse. ( she later came back to my ER room to yell at me) I slept the entire time in the ER. The Dr asked my husband if I had a living will or a DNR order. They put the crash cart outside of my room. They had me on lots of oxygen. I had a cath put in, 3 different IVs ( one in my hand, one in my foot and one in the upper inside part of my arm). They transferred me to the ICU where I slept for 18 more hours. I was unresponsive to everyone. At some point I remember waking up and there were 6 nurses around my bed. I asked what happened and they told me that my veins were blowing and I had no IV access. They werent even able to get blood draws. They had to put and IV in my neck.  When I finally woke up, I was unsure of what was going on. They told me I was going to be transferred to a different hospital and possibly get listed for a liver transplant. Whatever I took, had acetaminophen(tylenol) in it. I had taken so much that it damaged my liver. I had to get a psych consult and I told them it was not a suicide attempt so I didnt have to go to the Psych unit that time.

I still suffer daily. Mostly because of my physical pain (Cant take tylenol anymore because of my liver.) Its so hard to go day to day hurting so bad that I cant even get out of bed. I feel so hungry and thirsty but yet I cant eat anything and can only handle sips of water. I do still think about suicide but I have seen what it does to my family. My husband having to find me THREE times. I should have never have put him through anything like that. I feel so so awful about it. My parents and my sister live 200 miles away but they were up here with me as soon as they heard what happened. The look in their eyes just breaks my heart. I cannot believe I was so selfish. I would never put my family through that again. If you are thinking about suicide, PLEASE seek help. Think about the people you would leave behind.