I had a mental breakdown.
I CRIED.
I cried and I cried and I cried. The sobs were silent, wracked with tears that just kept streaming down from my cheeks and no matter how much I wanted them to stop, they just wouldn’t.
I was crying for a lot of different reasons. It was weird, usually when I think about these things I just get aggravated and frustrated, I never get said and I never cry.
Today was different though. When I came home from school I should have been happy, the day wasn’t terrible for once, I had done my homework, gotten good test scores, done everything I was supposed to do. Still, I felt the need to come home and crawl into my bed and just stare up at the whirring fan, secretly wishing that it would go fast enough to rip out of the ceiling and come crashing down on me.
I just stared up at the ceiling, not even noticing when the tears began to fall. They just came and they were there on my cheeks and I couldn’t help myself but I started to sob and I had to bury myself in my pillow to keep from yelling out in agony.
I don’t think it’s fair. I should be a happy person. I’ve got a mother who loves me (despite being clueless), siblings who are for the most part bearable, a roof over my head, food to eat, good physical health, brains, and beauty (according to my mother). So what could be wrong?
NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
But I’m sad. I’m sad all the time and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s not a switch inside me I can just flip to be happy, there’s no medicine or remedy to cure me of this disease. No therapy or counseling or any amount of help is going to make it better.
I am stuck inside this body where I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, like there is something missing or broken inside me that I can’t fix or replace.
IT’S. NOT. FAIR. I don’t understand why this feeling never goes away. Sure, sometimes I do feel happiness, but then I realize that it’s only going to last for a short while and then the sadness is going to come back and it just makes it worse for me. I need to feel something other then sadness, other then brokenness and unfinished. I need to feel alive again.
I cry all the time because…crying feels like relief.
22 comments
I Love You! 🙂
((()))) I know where you are at. My thoughts with you, hope you find what you need.
@kie250: umm, thank you??? Im gonna take that as a compliment and not as in a stalkerish creepy, “look-into-your-bedroom-window-late-at-night” way. haha!! jk :p
@Arimus: thanks for the support!! i hope I do to!!
@Violet Blake: Yes it was a complament, just to make you feel better.
i sorry
i really like what you wrought its really good 🙂
Hey Vi
I’ve missed you. Sorry about the breakdown, but personally somtimes crying can help. (not all the time) I agree. It feels like relief, sweet relief. Somedays I feel I would rather cry for a week rather than die. Because then I would sleep for a month. A nice good dreamless sleep. 🙂
I love you Vi
you were there when I needed you and your stories help so much.
😀
I’m sure you’ll be just fine. I know how you feel though. It’s along the lines of exactly how I feel an think. During parties, school, it’s even effectig my art which affects my chances of being accepted to this academy.
As always. My awkward, wandering, scatterbrained, ranting prone hear goes to you. I promise I’ll be here. Email me if you ever need me Vi.
<3
evergone
(clueless as o what I just said. I wrote purely on impulse so if I went off topic or somthing. Sowie!)
hahahhahahah!!
@kie250: Well thank you for the compliment, it did make me feel a little better! 😀
@life sucks thin u die: thanks!! I appreciate that!
@77evergone77: EVERGONE!!!! I’ve missed you!! where the heck have you been?! nevermind, it doesnt matter, im just glad to hear from you!! Don’t disappear like that, you give me heart attacks! lol, well thank you for saying you love my writing, im glad I can help you, that is my real goal through all of this 🙂
I know it can be hard to focus sometimes when your a depressed person, it gets hard to function, your brain tells you not to do something you normally love just because it knows its making you happy, and it doesnt want you to be.
Or…maybe thats not the feeling at all. I dont know, im just saying what I feel here, just like in my post :p
LOVE YOU!! 😀
I’ve been lurkin in the darkness waiting for somthing. Which translates to writing. Reading. Being stressed out an exhausted. Ect. All that depressing crap that is me. 🙂
Sorry I worried you. Lol. I pretty much dissapeared off of all sites I’m a part of (3)[one f which is just a writig/reading place]
I’m kin. Of surprised people noticed or cared. Lol.
You have succeeded in my life then. Haha. There are a few times I had been contemplating death but you made me feel less alone and scared. 🙂
it either ruins your focus or makes things you love unenjouable. Oh well. I’m glad your still here.
And the I remember it. You were the one who stopped emailing. Lol. 🙂
YOU ARE THE BEST.
(did you hear about the guy from
Ohio who changed his name to Captain
Awesome?!)
I’m the one who stopped emailing??!! evergone please, i think your being a little bit unfair. I was scared to email you, well, not just to email you. I was scared….I wouldn’t get a reply. That’s how it is with everyone I personally email from this sight. Everytime I email them back I am afraid that they are just going to stop emailing no matter how many times i try to get into contact with them and then it will be me whose the one crying in the darkness, waiting for that lost soul to contact me again when I know they wont, when I know they’re gone.
Sorry, this site really gets to me sometimes.
Well that’s what happened to me. I freaked out and almost tried because you dissapeared and never answered and never said anything. You know if I was gonna try somthing I’d either try to post or email you.
This site gets to me too but still. I think I emailed you another tome after that and you still didn’t reply. 🙁
I was really worried. Especially cuz I wasn’t able o be on here for a while.
I don’t remember getting an email. I always reply to people from the suicide project website, unless they piss me off that much, which you didn’t!! I think only person has ever pissed me off enough where I won’t even talk to them, and that’s not really because they said anything mean, but because i could not understand a word they said. I swear they talked in riddles!! lol, I’m sorry I scared you though. I’m always writing on here so there wont ever be a time when you cant reach me somehow.
Violet,
You shouldn’t have replied the last comment like that.
Frankness too much without consideration, hurts.
It’s just blunt.
77evergone77 is now 13, (if I remember correctly), from a blabbing child to now matured in thought in writing.
I’m so glad to see her like that.
She’s been always treating you like a big sister to her.
Your “don’t remember getting an email” or don’t want to find out if getting an email can really draw a line of difference.
If you really care for someone, you’ll look into that matter, and find it out, to see whether if a word of sorry has to be said.
I’ve been mistreated by a spokeswoman of a god, and caused me the disappointment of carrying on in life clinging onto just the simplicity of genuineness, and nevertheless shrouded me a moment to stupid attempt of my own.
So I wish that you can realize the goddess-like image some people has been looking upon you, here.
Girls always say don’t come in onto my life if you don’t plan to stay forever.
But always that the one who leaves first is the one who asked that.
I wasn’t being mean to evergone. And I didnt receive an email from her, if I had then I would’ve replied back because I always reply back to someone from this site at some point, that way they know im still here from them too talk to. I think of evergone as a little sister myself and i would never do anything to make her feel lost or alone so dont go saying things before you know the whole back story.
besides, I never understand a word you say. You talk in riddles and quotes and i dont get it at all…just saying.
Violet.
Okay. I think this has been talked about enough. It’s already happened and passed. I’m glad you see me as little sis. Cuz that’s the way I see you half the time. As a older sis, better than my real one. So thanks. Haha.
Fireflieslite.
I understand what your saying about how what Vi said could be interpreted as rude. It did hurt when the emails stopped but I survived and I’m back haha. I’m glad to see your still here too. Though not as gla that your still here on the site, unless it’s just to help. 🙂 I wish the best for you my riddle filled buddy!
On the side though, I have to ask you to not mention my age. It’s a little unsettling but still kind you remembered. But tenknowledge yhat this is the Internet (and thus available to anyone) I’d rather not have it stated other than that one time I said it. Thank you.
Thanks for saying I have somhow matured. But really I believe it’s just that my ranting and wildness is more controlled now. If it’s possible I’ve become stinger an weaker at the same time.
the emails stopped because you stopped emailing back and i do not like to try and email someone if I know it might possibly just annoy them and make them even more prone not to email me back and then i’ve just gone and made things worse when i couldve just waited it out. SO CHILL. Everything is fine.
77evergone77,
I’m honored, and appreciated that being first time someone here wishing the best for. And I needed that.
Strong as I may seem, still fragile always emotionally inside being a human.
To reciprocate the kindness served, I’m here treating you a woman, here are the front row seats to ladies academy.
Stinger but lame ? It’s just a common failing of women.
It’s like doing a man’s muscular labor by themselves, only can turn a woman muscular, but emotionally stingy and weak.
If flirt to accomplish, is like a contortionist in a box, an act, a play, all the time keeping fresh with her flesh.
When flesh as if stale, and favor no more winning, leading only to one’s stinginess or diminishing of the purpose to continue being a woman.
A common woman just knows to get men to love her booty, while a wise one gets them to look deep and long within her eyes.
And never be a Ger”man”, be a Japa”nice”, if favor is to be asked.
Weak and nice of a lady only’d entitle her being sweet to be served. So simply as a lady to ask.
And never impose yourself as a man.
Many women assume strong to challenge a man to act like a man, is like telling them they are bald or impotent, foolishly arousing the killer instinct in men to destroy to turn into a devil of hate.
The simplicity as to live like a woman successfully, simply just be a graceful lady.
(and not the pretentious ones with the petite umbrellas, of course.)
Violet.
Sorry if I pissed you off but that’s wht I was trying to say. “let’s stop going on about the mysterious emails!” lol. Here’s what I really wanted to know. How are you? How have you been doing. Lol. I really have missed you Vi 🙂
fireflieslite.
Okay. Somhow I remember you being blunter and more to the point. The first part I sort of understand but I don’t get why you were talking about men and women and such. I understand that is the way in which you may feel
comfortable talking but it’s difficult for me to understand.
LOVE YOU BOTH!!!
~evergone
77evergone77,
OK, I’m like a bee with a stinger. Although it may sting right to the point, but entrails may follow, and can bring me serious suffering too.
On the belief that since to drag race is straight to the point, and if time is the essence, then why bother the facade.
M. Monroe, a sexy symbol, so glamorous, but while in her 30’s keeping up her shape and appearance is no longer an ease.
So what brought her to the decision of end of path ?
In your stage of life, parents are still on your primary concern.
If they think they have a lady in you, how proud they would be. It’s just your decision showing them to rest their worries and they’ll quit looking out on you always.
And it’s never too early to learn beforehand the teenager trouble following future independent adult life, of a road but the right way woman has to face sooner or later.
Or starting now to experiment your ladyhood on your parents, just let them be the critics before your real play is to be in society.
I’m just a sooner-to-forget stepping stone for you.
And your parents are the real audiences or guides of your practice, even if not treating them as the supposed kind to be, they are still the valuable assets to you.
And your parents may not be the good teachers to you, but definitely you are the best teacher to your right beliefs.
77evergone77: See, I told you he’s amazingly hard to understand!! I did not get rarely a word of that first one, but the last comment right before mine he posted is…Well, much more to the point. Jeez, why can’t he just talk so blunt all the time instead of those damned riddles and metaphors for things? Metaphors and riddles are great and all but on a sight like this I doubt it’s what most of us want to hear.
I’m….I’m not good. I wish I could tell you I was, but I’m just not. I wish I could tell you I wasn’t so close to death I can taste it, like it’s a poison swishing around in my mouth and death is just waiting for me to swallow it so he can take me away from this world and into the next, whatever that may be. I wish to GOD that I had good news for. But I don’t, im sorry.
Violet.
Close to death? How? What happened Vi? Right now I’m sort of a mess too. To make it worse I got braces that look giddy as he’ll on me. Haha. Now I’ve been torn to ribbons in more places and ways than one. Email me soon so we can talk again. I don’t know how much longer I can keep comming here becase my mom still watches me closely and I’m not really supposed to be on te computer or log unless there’s an essay or somthing (there’s two) email me soon. I miss our chats.
Fireflies.
One thing I fully understood in that I’d that you said you were merely a steeping stone in my life. Forgetable. now to think I just use you to climb higher. Rocks are horrible analogies for people. Ye theyrestrong but they are always crumbling, falling off of the peaks of mountains, hurting those in their path, sinking to the bottom of lakes/rivers/oceans/ect.
If anything, no one is truely like that, in a constant state of mental or emotional erosion. There are ups, downs, and stilll moments. We erode, grow, and strengthen. Like lava we usually try to keep movin but are slow an thick. We usually take what is thrown at us and melt it into ourselves. But there are things we cannot melt. And that’s what stops us. When were bombarded with those things. Forced to change, cool down, and face the possibility of turnin to rock
Evergone: anyone ever told you you sound way older then you are? Like just the way you talk is full of wisdom for someone as young as you are. I wont say of course, but you get what im trying to say. I say child, you are a breath of fresh air. comparing people to lava is something i would never think of!! but u are absolutely right and I applaud you for that. You really are a gift my friend 🙂
Thank you Vi. And yes I’ve been told that before. There are some that when they find out my age they base my appearance off of others of similar age. When really I do look older. They are surprised. When really it was my body that matured first then because of multiple situations I was in besides my physical appearance, I was forced to mature y mind way too quickly to be considered normal development. It was like I was on a academic and mental overdrive for a few years. Then it died once I reached an appropriate level. I think it stopped compleatly in 6th grade. It had started in 2nd or 3rd. My memory is horrible. I guess that also explains a little why I’m all depressive. I was exposed to reality extreamly early, which seems to either make someone very strong or break them. I’m somwhere in the middle. Struggling. Haha. But thanks to my new art/music friend, I’m starting to learn a new attitude that will help. I’ll beable to brush things off easier and really feel as nonchalant as I act somtimes.
Wow. There I go ranting again. But there is no point in erasing it all. thanks for the complimeant Vi. I really do look up to you as a big sis.
And about the lava part. I guess that’s what happens, I’m always thinking and. I will nnever be able to stop. I guess it’s a little leftover bit of that mental overdrive. I get all detached an start analyzing things. When my friends talk to me like that they claim I become all philosophical and poetic.
Okeyyy now I feel like acting my age(I do that so I don’t explode all the time)
I’M OFFICIALLY A BRACE FACE AND IM FRIGGIN PROUD OF IT!!!!!!
BRING IT CREEPY DENTIST GUY!!!!!!!
😀 hahaha
(yes I’m high on Christmas right now!!!!)