Well, I finally decided against tolerating my lifelong depression and anxiety any further. A lifetime of social rejections and being an outcast is just too much to bear as someone who just wanted a normal life. I decided to depart using the Helium method. I feel I’m too much of a ***** to depart using any other method because of the potential lifelong disabilities one could suffer from failure. I got a huge tank of helium, as well as an oxygen mask. The first two times I tried doing this, I chickened out, as was to be expected. I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to live under these conditions. But finally I found myself in an extra-ordinary amount of pain. It caused me to find just a little bit of courage, (or a lot of cowardice) enough to get the job done. I grabbed the oxygen mask, secured it to my face, put another mask over it to hold it in place. Turned up the tank, and breathed in deeply. I closed my eyes, and expected to pass out. I knew I had to keep my eyes closed because if I saw my vision black out I’d probably chicken out again and remove it at the last second. A good 10 minutes went by, and I removed the mask in disappointment. I thought there would be enough helium to displace all the oxygen, but apparently it wasn’t air tight enough. Not even a headache or a little light headedness. My heartrate rose during the attempt, but nothing unnerving. The first thought that came to mind is that I failed at failure. I laughed a bit, thinking of the cliche.
After the attempt, I felt calm, disappointed, but peaceful. At the very least, it settled my feelings. As strange as it sounded, I was actually proud of myself that I found the courage to do it – me who had little courage in life to do just about anything. If you’ve ever attempted suicide, you probably know that at the moment before you make your attempt, you’ll actually probably calm down enough to choose to live another day. It isn’t so much a fear of death for me, it’s that I do not want to live feeling helpless and afraid. Those among you thinking about this for whatever reason surely feel this as well. For a few days, the pain subsided. I didn’t feel reborn or that I had been given a second chance or anything like that, I suppose it was comforting knowing that I had tried something and that the courage was within me to end it all, even if it would once again take a while to find. Next time I plan to take the mask around my head and completely cover any source of oxygen replenishment with the tape. I have since thought about it again, as the pain finally decided to show itself again. Well, that’s it, nothing spectacular here. I don’t consider myself a ‘suicide survivor’, as the attempt was rather unspectacular and uneventful. But it’s definitely a mark on my belt. Should I find my salvation and choose to live, I’ll always think about that time I tried to end it all.
3 comments
I sincerely hope you find a better way out than death. (And FYI, if you pass out on helium and get rescued before you die, the time that your brain was deprived of oxygen CAN and most likely will cause permanent brain damage.)
The reflection afterward was painful to read. I wonder about you now; superficial things like your age, where you might live, what you study, if you work. I don’t know you at all – this is just one, quiet corner of your story and who you are.
I wonder what led you over the edge. What is your extra-ordinary pain? Loneliness maybe contributes. Being a social outcast hurts.
Do you make an error when interacting with someone, and then spend days afterward feeling ill over it? Just achingly embarrassed. I can relate.
I don’t know. I feel sad that you attempted suicide. I feel sad that you were almost gone. Even still, when I go, I’ll choose the same way. Something that isn’t physically painful.
It’s funny that you can want so badly for someone to feel better, to not commit suicide, while thinking about suicide yourself.
Hm.
i read your story–it is somewhat remarkable i must say. ive been curious as to how it feels after attempting suicide.