I just cut. I get better at it everytime. Both a happy and frightening thought. Death is, afterall, what I’m reaching for but I haven’t REALLY tried for that in almost 9 months. But I want to right now. I wish my dad hadn’t hidden that bottle of tylenol with codeine that I stole when I ran away to Seattle. The best I can find is extra strength Excederin…awesome, I’m too much of a wuss for that long agonizing death due to liver failure. I wish I was still taking Microbiology; I could have easily gotten my hands on some cyanide from the labs…these are the things that dreams are made of. Haha.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of getting tired of trying then being talked into being hopeful only to fall even further into hopelessness a day or two later. I think these things would be easier if I was an athiest or I didn’t think I was capable of doing any good. But I’m not that lucky. Instead I believe in God with all of my heart, he’s the dearest friend I have and I know he is faithful to every promise he’s made me…and that sucks. Because instead of saying I have nothing to live for I have this potentially great future and calling on my life but in the midst of all this hell I just don’t see how I can get there. I’ve done so much wrong, I’ve hurt so many people, given up so much of my character, and I just feel worthless and I don’t want to have to wait out all of this unbearableness to get to something better. Why can’t it be better now? I’ve spent the past nine months living day by day with the belief that things would get better, that things have to change and it was just a matter of me waiting it out. For nearly a year and a half I’ve been dealt blow after blow. Of course the longer I go on the more they are my fault, I’ve lost any ability I ever had to cope with things. I’ve done a great job at destroying the beautiful future I had planned and continually blundering any hope that surfaces. The more I do to ruin my life the easier it is for me to reach suicide. Because once I finally throw everything good I’ve got going from the past 20 years away I can honestly say there is nothing left to live for. And I’ll do it. No more cycles of forced hope and despair. Just quiet.