I just cut. I get better at it everytime. Both a happy and frightening thought. Death is, afterall, what I’m reaching for but I haven’t REALLY tried for that in almost 9 months. But I want to right now. I wish my dad hadn’t hidden that bottle of tylenol with codeine that I stole when I ran away to Seattle. The best I can find is extra strength Excederin…awesome, I’m too much of a wuss for that long agonizing death due to liver failure. I wish I was still taking Microbiology; I could have easily gotten my hands on some cyanide from the labs…these are the things that dreams are made of. Haha.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of getting tired of trying then being talked into being hopeful only to fall even further into hopelessness a day or two later. I think these things would be easier if I was an athiest or I didn’t think I was capable of doing any good. But I’m not that lucky. Instead I believe in God with all of my heart, he’s the dearest friend I have and I know he is faithful to every promise he’s made me…and that sucks. Because instead of saying I have nothing to live for I have this potentially great future and calling on my life but in the midst of all this hell I just don’t see how I can get there. I’ve done so much wrong, I’ve hurt so many people, given up so much of my character, and I just feel worthless and I don’t want to have to wait out all of this unbearableness to get to something better. Why can’t it be better now? I’ve spent the past nine months living day by day with the belief that things would get better, that things have to change and it was just a matter of me waiting it out. For nearly a year and a half I’ve been dealt blow after blow. Of course the longer I go on the more they are my fault, I’ve lost any ability I ever had to cope with things. I’ve done a great job at destroying the beautiful future I had planned and continually blundering any hope that surfaces. The more I do to ruin my life the easier it is for me to reach suicide. Because once I finally throw everything good I’ve got going from the past 20 years away I can honestly say there is nothing left to live for. And I’ll do it. No more cycles of forced hope and despair. Just quiet.
5 comments
Hi, my name is Jacky! I don’t personally know you, but your post is very impactful. I feel your pain. I know what it’s like to feel so hopeless that you might consider suicide. Let me tell you, suicide solves nothing. I too believe in God. And for the longest time I was so miserable.. I cried at least a few times a week. I just avoided people.. But God showed me a way to be happy. He brought so many amazing people into my life and He gave me so many new perspectives. God is telling me to tell you that He has an immensely BRIGHT future for you. He loves you so much, from the bottom of His heart. If you were to purposely die, He wouldn’t be able to give you the amazing things He has in store for you. God knows all the pain you’re dealing with. If you give God your burdens, He will take it away. I know- it might sound so cliche. But, it is so, so so true. He knows the living conditions you’re dealing with. He can make it better. I just please pray you don’t kill yourself. Because even though I don’t know you, I would LOVE to be your friend. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve fallen off the path of God. As long as you get back up and fight for God harder every time. You are one of God’s BEAUTIFUL children. Please don’t take your life away because this world is hurting you. God loves you so much. Don’t forget that.
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hey 🙂
dont cut! its very hard to live with scars that let everyone see what you are going through. Start of, by choosing to not cut, everytime you have the urge. dont be scared about not knowing how to get to the future. Try taking one day, one step at a time. It really helps. Keep a diary, writing, not about your emotions and feelings, but just small steps you took everyday. Things like “today, I studied one chapter, climbed down the stairs instead of taking an elevetor, and walked to the store to buy myself a candy”
Small things, small steps, really works.
Give yourself a week. Every day, do something small. For yourself, or for someone else. One small thing a day. I think its important to live in the present. Soemtimes we are so overwhelmed by the great potential future, we make small mistakes and dont really know how to get there. Make small, tiny goals, and reward yourself afterwards. Make sure, you write your goals everyday, so that in the end, you feel like you have actually accomplished somethign!
leave your town, your dadll understand if you really explain it to him. i no its hard to accept and i struggle to everyday but it is all a waitin game and the moment your able to go free then you go and you run and breath nd cry. go get hammered, have a meaningless relationship, bet on a race then break yur hand punchin a wall when yu lose. just take every new thing, good and bad, as a new experience to grow from. your going to be in the waiting game for a long time so make it fun, interesting. dont just lug through it waiting for it to end make it so youll miss it when you do leave it. be original and diverse and just be happy because its not thats lifes not worth living its just that your not utilising the worth you have access to.
keepthefaith,
hey, you are an interesting person, prior to this comment of yours, you also wrote to a story “No More”, somehow I feel you’re blessed in someway, may be your strength, your power in words, your organizing of ideas, delicate and thoughtful, of reasoning, and of those strings of hope in words laid out,
but if you had died at 12, I wouldn’t have the chance now of writing these words to you.
I think you’ll be great in the future starting a family with your already equipped attentive mind.
But please be noted that not to get too deep into pushing things to perfection.
To you, to a perfected world, it’s definitely right, but however to another character of being could be interpreted as forced-feed. And there’s never another you that can be photocopied to be.
Even if they know you’re right, they’ll prefer not to listen to as a mean to defend their own meaningless sense of worth of their so-called self-esteem.
And the only one you can turn perfect is just yourself.
Those are just my two-cents of experience, hoping would be helpful to you.