DISCLAIMER: I apologize in advance for my language in this one. I normally NEVER talk like this but I was very upset at this time so if I have offended anyone in any way I whole-heartedly apologize! ~Violet Blake
I don’t know why I did what I just did. I should feel bad about doing it, maybe even horrible, but I don’t. Not in the least. I felt an emotion very strongly and for once I didn’t try to hide it or force it to go away, I spoke my mind and I’m proud of that at least.
I went to confession. I really don’t know what came over, maybe it was because I was feeling guilty about not being sure if I believe in God or not or maybe I just needed a stranger who would actually listen to me, but I trudged down to the church with the little pink steeple, sat myself down in this tight little room, and found myself speaking to a window with a little box at the bottom.
“Forgive me father, for IÂ have sinned”.
“Tell me your sins my child”.
The voice felt like a voice from beyond, like I was really talking to God and not a priest, and it felt kind of funny. I had never felt that connected to God before, when I was younger sure, but not after what happened to me, and definitely not know.
“Well where do I begin? I’ve never even been to confession since I was in third grade, that’s one sin for starters. At least, I’m pretty sure it’s a sin. I don’t know anymore, I don’t feel like I know anything, I kind of feel like I’ve completely lost myself, and in the process I’ve lost God”.
I couldn’t see the priest but I have a feeling he nodded, “Yes, it can seem like that sometimes, but we all find our way back eventually. Is there something else on your mind that your not saying?”
I don’t know why, perhaps I’ll never know why, but for some reason I just broke down crying right there, the tears beginning to stream down my face, leaving heavy mascara tracks down my cheeks. The priest pushed me a kleenex from his invisble box of tissues he must’ve had over there.
“I don’t think God even exists anymore. If he did then he wouldn’t have let suffer the way he has. He wouldn’t have let that horrible man do the things he did, bad people aren’t supposed to succeed in life, they’re not supposed to become lawyers or doctors or anything like that! Where was God when he was hurting me, taking away all I ever had as a child? If God loves all his children then why didn’t he save me?!”
I just said it all, everything I had been feeling the past nine years of my life, and I was telling it to a total stranger who had no real idea of what I went through. Maybe it’s my fault for telling the wrong person what was really going on inside my head, but I didn’t care, I was starting to feel tons better already.
“God isn’t just a savior you know, he punishes people too. Humans need to be disciplined, kept in line, it is like a parent. We love our children very much but sometimes we have to spank them, teach them lessons. We only want whats best for them in the long run and we must make them stronger beings in order to survive. Perhaps this was just a test for you”.
I felt my cheeks beginning to grow hot. Was he being serious?? If God was trying to let me prove how strong I was he had one hell of a way of going about it. I had never been taught that God was a tricky son of a ***** but that was exactly the way that this priest was making him sound and if that who God really was then I wanted no part in believing in him anyways. As far as I was concerned right now the church, religion, and this priest could take that giant wooden cross hanging up in the main room and shove it up their…Well, you get the idea.
“A test?! BULLSHIT!! The God I grew up knowing wouldn’t ever give me a test! I don’t know what kind of crack your and your entire church is on but I know for a fact if there is a god he doesnt put people through tests, people are born into situations so really, don’t tell me this was a test when I can’t get any of what was taken from me back”.
The priest was silent for awhile and I thought maybe he had fallen asleep while I was still going through my thoughts and hadn’t even heard a word of that little speech. Then when he did speak, it was calm and collected, like he was just ignoring me outraged comment.
“We all have gone through turmoils that make us stronger and God has always been there to watch you along the way and make you sure you were safe. If you had not been strong enough to handle it on your own then he wouldn’t have let it happen”.
I rolled my eyes, yeah right, if God though I was strong enough. What a bunch of crap this was! I was a little eight year old girl, of course I wasn’t strong enough to handle that kind of thing at eight years old, I was just a child! What child in would be ready to face such an obstacle? What PERSON would?
I stood up abruptly, opening the door of the confession room and turning around, giving one final flare to the window where the priest was sitting.
“Screw you”, I said, slamming the door shut and running out of the church at top speed.
Maybe the preacher was right, maybe it was a test of my strength, but if it was I failed miserably, and I never fail tests. I tucked my coat around me, grumbling over what the priest said to me all the way home. At least I know one thing for certain:
There’s no commandment that prohibits bitching out a priest 🙂
30 comments
Lol to the last sentence. but no, I understand, I’m a Christian and I was abused as a child. Right now, I’m struggling with my faith in Him. But I think God lets bad things happen to us, so that He could finally bring us out. And so our stories could help others. You see, if you were abused as a child, it is easier for you to reach out to others who have also been abused…and it depends on how you look at it, but it can also be a gift. And yes, I know how dumb I probably sound. But perhaps, one day you’ll realize it’s true. For example, a lot of crap happened to me and I hated God for it, but then one day I had the opportunity of reaching out to another girl and helping her. To be honest, I don’t think God would test you at such a young age. I’m not Catholic, so I wouldn’t go to a priest. But I’m pretty sure that ws not a test. I believe it was an experience that God gave me, so that He could bring me out of it and so that I could help others with my story.
….sorry for the sermon ^_^
@Lilia4life: I do understand where your coming from and part of me wants to believe that but we are all here because we are thinking about ending our lives or we’ve even tried too before and if God had never let that happen to me I would be a happy human being for the most part. I would trust people more, I would be able to hold a relationship, I would’ve had a wonderful childhood, my father wouldn’t have skipped out on me, my family would still be in one piece instead of all of us feeling like we are stuck in this ditch of depression because of me. I wouldn’t be such a disappointment to everyone. God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I’m the ant. He could have fixed everything if He wanted to, but he’d rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!! Sorry, I’m a bit pissy today about all this >:(
@ Violet Blake.
no I understand. I wanted to end my life too…even attempted. But the thing is, if everything in life when perfectly well for everyone, then why would we need God?
God’s there to help us make it through our suffering, but it takes time and faith. If we were doing ok, then why would we need God’s help?
He wants to show you that He can help you recover, but like I said, it takes faith. And you know, you should really check out a book called Redeeming Love. It’s non fiction and you might relate to the main character. I kind of did in some aspects.
(Long comment short) If this never had happened to you do believe you’d still be able to see the world in this way, understand others how you do now and instead not turn out to be some taunting ***** putting other girls through hell?
sorry if sounded harsh
Dear Violet,
I too have suffered horribly in my life, so I can relate to what you are saying. Where was God when I was raped….when I was assaulted in a hospital during childbirth. After that I hated myself and wanted to destroy my poor mutilated body. Why did he let me be born to parents who said hurtful things to me every day of my childhood – a father who picked me up by my hair and threw me at a wall….a mother who held a carving knife to my throat? Where was God when my brother was thrown down the stairs by my father and then beaten so badly that all his clothes were in pieces and his body was covered with bruises and friction burns?
Amazingly, I have come to believe in a God of LOVE who hates the bad things of this world even worse than we do, and who understands and cares about every bad thing that you have ever gone through. If you read on, I’ll try to explain.
My understanding is that God isn’t to blame either for the world being a bad place, or for the fact that we here living in it. I believe that, like it says in Genesis, we were created in the image of God – male and female – and when God had finished his creation, he saw that everything in it was good, perfect, just the way heaven should be.
So how did we end up here. There’s a story in the Bible that I believe explains that, and personally I see it more as an allegory of what happened to each of us here than a literal story about our ancestors. Adam and Eve were created by God, and they were told that they could eat from every tree in the garden, except one. The serpent tempted them, and they ate. At that point they lost the right to live forever in heaven, and were sent away. God could, obviously, have killed them, but he didn’t, and nor did he kill any of us. Sometimes I wonder what I did. Was there a lake in heaven that we weren’t allowed to swim in and I decided to go for a secret swim one day. Or was there a kind of flower that we were told not to pick, and I picked one? Anyway, here I am, and it isn’t God’s fault I am here, it is mine.
Here in this world God’s rules are not obeyed. The innocent suffer and the bad guys very often get away with it. Here we are free to do what we like, including to rape, torture or kill. So what is God’s answer to it all. What’s his plan?
Well, his plan was to send us a saviour – someone who did not have to leave heaven, but who chose to. Unlike us, he was never disobedient or rebellious to God, and so he had the right to stay in heaven for ever. But he gave all of that up in order to be born in a human family here. He suffered injustice, on his own behalf, and through the compassion he felt for others (Remember how on the way to the cross he told the women of Jerusalem not to cry for him but to cry for themselves and their children. YOU were in his heart that day.) He was tortured, and murdered even though he had done nothing wrong. He was buried….and THEN!!! he rose again, and proved that love is stronger than hate, kindness stronger than cruelty. He rose again and lives now forever in heaven, along with all the people who hitch their cart to his. That’s the God I believe in… the God who loved me enough to send Jesus.
I have to say I hoped that being a Christian would solve all my problems in this world, and it hasn’t. But I do know that I have someone at my side who always understands and cares, and I know that the last page of my story will end “And then Petra died, and because she believed in and loved Jesus then she lived for ever and ever in his perfect Kingdom – in the kingdom of God”. It’s a good ending, and I don’t think that it will be any different if I commit suicide than if I die naturally. If the end of a story is a happy one, then what comes in the middle doesn’t seem so bad, and I try to remember that when my life here sucks.
I feel really sorry for you that you met such a nasty priest – and sorry for him that he thinks it is God’s will that we suffer. All God wants is to rescue us from this horrible world and see us living safe and happy with him again in heaven. If we can bear to hang around in this world and try to share his love and light with others then he’s happy. But if we just can’t stand it any more and want to go at once to be with him in heaven, then I honestly think that he understands, and just welcomes us with loving arms.
I hope this helps ….sorry that it was so long.
with love,
Petra
dragonfly,
I’d never deny the fact of the existence of Jesus nor the power of His still carrying on.
Only the Bible, besides it’s a book of knowledge that has taught me a lot of how to live, but there’s a doubt that has brought me around since age 6 till now.
If God had to let Adam and Eve to live after the apple tasted, then they’d be uncontrollably needed to mate, and had their children, and their children had to mate too after grown-up, but what’s left to be mated with would only be siblings and parents available, so did that mean God had already fortold and seemed to allow the incest gonna happen ?
And Jesus later sent to earth by God’s will, was for the guilt of human (incest included) to be compensated for, and should be killed later as God had desired that ?
Jesus knew what the God desired him for, was the death impending, and Jesus so daring even went for that he knew was just suicide !
I’m
On the same page. I don’t know whether or not to believe either Vi.
So what are all those cases telling us ?
Sex is human instinct.
Lust derives from it.
Incest was allowed.
Killing was allowed.
Suicide was allowed.
Only learn here in this world to physically experience, so to get out of/from our flesh that incising a human.
Flesh is just meat to kill, to taste, to lust.
Only in soul shall we learn to finally succeed to overcome.
Fire i can tell you your fuck up but smart get better lose your issue’s know your child.
yeah, as easy as you’re putting on a new face.
You are are a freak you must know that. maybe youe daughter will be beeter off with out you or may b your a man and know her you. That her bith right are you man
I’m a weirdo. I always know that. That’s why I’m here.
The norms are supposed to be out of my bound.
And what took you so long to realize that !
Dont lose her ok
really dont i hated it when i lost my parents its kill me
Sucks what year is it now where you are?
10
its 9:23 hear
Im in 2011 pissed new year go girl go sucks win
haha i am going to od tonight well still thing about it
Sucks know people your your be ok. Just get yo know i right people.
i do i see a therapist and i talk about things a lot but i want to start cutting really badly again and i am just thing about it
Get over it. Donnie. Then cut me i love blood.
honestly thats not the same for me i takes my pain from my mother away and it put me to sleep and i love the pain
Girl’s rubbish
Girl’s rubbush not htyjytmjyumuy,
I just read down this whole thing and barely unstood a word of whats going on in the conversation. I feel so out of the loop! lol, someone cut a hole and let me in!!
I’ve never understood how people can think that Santa Claus is just a story but God is real.
The God of the Bible has a rotten track record when it comes to basic human rights. He’s been responsible for murdering millions of people, either directly or indirectly through famines, floods, earthquakes, fires, plagues, etc. If God exists he is BY FAR the most prolific mass murderer in history. Why would anybody want to worship him?
Both of you are wrong….natral disaster are just that natural and a way to cycle life, however the GOD of the bible is not god but the Ancient Aliens who vistited this planet in the past, just check out esikiel…..The true GOD is on a different plane that were not equipped to understand yet.
“I just allowed a giant hurricane to kill your family but you survived, SO YOU BETTER FUCKING LOVE ME!” -God
I think all these comments are bull shit!!!!! the GOD I know would hurt children in the way I was hurt….it is all on my abuser!!!! I am a firm believer that GOD has favorites the most devious and rotten people seem to be the lucky ones in this life, the ones god like and there are ones he dislikes…..I one he dislikes, and i to have tried killing myself serveral times with no luck, I have been living with my abuse for 40 yrs now and I am not strong enough to live another day like this, I just wish there was a way I could die naturally and not have to put the stigma of suicide on my children…. It would be nice to hear from someone who is going thru what I am but as ive said i’ve been dealing with it all alone for so long i can’t anymore.
I have written my finally suicide note and plan to say my goodbyes to the people i can about, not letting them know of course, and going deep into some wooded area were i won’t be found for a long while. I obviously planned it out huh….WISH ME LUCK