I’m so tired.
I’m tired of simply existing.
I can’t deal with my pain, and I know that life will be full of it, but even if there wasn’t any pain, I wouldn’t want to live either.
It’s just that… I tired of waking up, of talking with people, of doing everything, of doing nothing.
It’s like I feel that there’s always something missing inside of me. There’s always a hole that can’t be filled. An inability to live.
It’s normal to feel the urge to kill ourselves when we’re in pain, in excruciating pain… when we burst into tears and throw ourself to the floor in desperation, in agony.
It’s not so normal when we don’t feel that agony, when we’re kind of ok. That’s my situation at the moment. I don’t feel the agony that I always felt, I feel kind of empty, kind of calm. Still, in this kind of calm state I feel the urge to kill myself. Maybe it’s more tiredness than calm. I’m tired of doing everything.
I sit outside my house, leaning against the wall with the sun beating into my face, with the wind blowing trough my hair, and I feel that blankness, that “I’m tired, I wanna rest”.
Well, you may think I spend the days working or studying.
I spend the days in home, doing absolutely nothing.
And I don’t want to study, I don’t want to work, I don’t want to live. What for?
What’s the point?
The world shouldn’t be like this. We only have ONE life. Why so formalities? Why should we work really hard to be called “good person”?
I just wanna do whatever I want. Be “happy” without pain, without suffer.
Yes people, the fucking money.
The money should be extinct.
We should invest in science and in tecnology so in the future the machines would do absolutly everything and we wouldn’t have to work and would be no money. The only thing we would have to do is to be happy and do whatever we would want.
People still could work if they want to, if they like to do it.
There wouldn’t be obligations.
But of course, that people, would have to be well educated so they could make all of this work. They would be teached without religion. The actual gods would be burried like Zeus was.
People would be teach to think for themselves, to be rational, to be interested in science. A new society would be born, a place where people could really enjoy life, without countries, without racism, without any kind of discrimination, because all of them would have a racional mind.
Of course this has many flaws, but its just a idea.
The point is… maybe I could live in a place like that. Maybe. But in this world right now, I don’t think so.
I’m so tired of… existing.