If he goes, so will I

First of all, I am a parent. I love my kids more than I love myself, never thought I would say that because I was pretty ambivalent about having kids. Recently a teen in our town committed suicide–a superstar kid, sports star, academic genius, loved by all. Since then, I have been so depressed. My older son, who has flunked out of 2 colleges so far, is on his last chance at school. How can I continue to support his lifestyle choices of smoking weed instead of studying, when it gets hard, he simply gives up. I must go the “tough love” route and believe me, it is killing me inside. We almost threw him out of the house once for lying, stealing and just generally not actively taking part in his future. Sorry, I believe that it is not healthy to allow/enable your kid to just sit around wasted all the time and financially support him. Well, during that time, he stood in the driveway and said he had nothing to live for and was going to kill himself. After much crying and discussion, we agreed to take him back, with some guidelines and rules. He went to a new school, did extremely well, met a great girl, who loves him very much. His first real girlfriend at age 19. Things were going well. He decided on a career path and changed schools, since they didn’t offer that major at his current school. He proceeded to not go to class, not study, started hanging around with his old stoner friends again and just basically one day decided he didn’t like this major and quit going to school ($4000 down the tubes).
Now he is going back to the old school, a different major, a different set of rules. He will be on his own if this doesn’t work out. I believe his girlfriend will dump him if he fails, she can’t stand watching him go down the path of self-destruction either. I pray for his success every day, but am not hopeful, I am so afraid he will give up, lose everything and kill himself. I am so depressed thinking of it, if he goes, I will too. I couldn’t bear the pain of losing him. I am sorry for those of you who post here who want your parents to stop bugging you, to leave you alone. Speaking as a parent, we love you, we can’t stop bugging you, we feel your pain and like you, feel powerless to make it go away.
We remember you being born, your first steps, your first words, all the joys and pains of bringing you up. The thought of seeing my baby in a casket is way too much for me to bear.
I don’t expect him to split the atom or cure cancer, I do expect him to try to grow up. When he went away to college, I thought it would kill me, when he came home after flunking out, that just about killed me too. Some of you may say this is sick love, but many of you are kids yourselves, it is parental love–you cannot understand this love until you have your own kids. Unfortunately, because then you would get how much your parents love you. I am sad for those whose parents abuse and disregard their kids, there are some people who should never have kids.
So pray, send good thoughts, or whatever you do to send positive vibes our way. If it doesn’t work out, I am afraid he will kill himself, if he goes, so will I. Thanks for listening, I just wanted to get this off my chest, no one understands around me how hard this is. Everybody is just “throw him out, let him see how the world is” I’m having a hard time with that, I do GET him. Most parents have a child that they “get” and feel a stronger bond with–we don’t have favorites, but many times we have a child that is our heart made over.
Thanks for listening, and if you have any words of wisdom, please share.