Hello…this is my first post on this sight. Just sharing my thoughts to whoever wants to listen I guess. I’m a young teenager who lives with a guardian and her son. I lost my mom last year to pancreatic cancer. I havnt talked to my dad in seven months…most of his side of the family strongly dislikes me. I was born as a single child only to my mom, who was a single parent. She showed me love. And she was the most precious thing to me. And she is gone…nothing can bring her back. And my dad stepped all over her till the day she died and I can’t forgive him, or myself for not noticing all these years. I go to a great school and I believe I’m finally finding a strong core group of friends. But they do t know what it’s like to lose what you love most…most the kids at my school are fed up in their own narcassism. Stupid drama they feed off of like it’s a drug. It makes me sick.
Lately I’ve been pondering upon thoughts of suicide. And has gotten what is needed to get the action done. I know how, where, but not when. I look at the four people I care about most and how they would think. I think about music, how playing and listening helps fill me with this satisfying feeling. I’ve tried to open up to my closest friend but I don’t want to go to a place I don’t want to be. And I don’t want to worry him, cause sooner or later I know this friendship won’t last… Just like everything else. He already has friends and I just feel like a waste of time. I tell people I have a cursed mind…that I’m a bit crazy to warn them I’m not a normal kid. That things that I shouldn’t ponder about I do…things that shouldnt entertain me…that do. I’ve almost attempted with.a noose but not quite there yet. I’m afraid of that little leap. I just wanted to share my little story and thoughts… I know there are people who have gone through worse and have come out on top. Or still struggle but still make it far. And I have great respect to those who are still alive and gone to he’ll and back.
5 comments
I’m, sorry I’m about to go threw the same thing. well for the dad and mom thing. I’m sorry, i truley am. i with there was some way to help :'( you can talk to me on facebook @ daniel9944@hotmail.com or MSN
I lost an aunt to cancer she had breast cancer first and later they discovered she had lung cancer. I wasn’t too close with her but she was the first person that I ever took care of that died. And i know that once someone is dead thats it theres no rewinding. And i didn’t have either of my parents growing up i hated them both for that. But not forgiving him will hurt you i know from experience forgivness is for you not the other person. I’m not saying to forgive him right now but forgive him when your ready for you. Because you will hold on to that and it will drag you down. Suicide seems like the easy solution but it isnt it answers nothing. Because even then you will still die having never accomplished being happy. If you ever wanna talk please email me: mizzy1990@aol.com
I am a woman of 41, but i an side with you on these things. My childhood and teenage years sucked pretty bad but i made it through those. It’s very hard when you feel this way, my husband died from cancer not too long ago and i want to die as well but i have children and dont want to see them hurt like you hurt. It is the ONLY thing that has kept me here and then it’s still a fight to keep going at times. I am so sorry to hear about your mom and i am sure you must feel orphaned right about now, but there are people who can help. I won’t tell you not to do this and that may be wrong but i do hope you try something else first, anything just try to get past all of this. try to picture where you might be in a few more years, then try to imagine a few more years and so on and so forth. I wish to you all the love you can stand for the rest of your life and I wish i was able to give you a hug from your mom right now, just know she is with you and remember how much she loves you. please try to hold on. love, me
Same here. I also tell my friends I’m freaking crazy. They just laugh. There are not into subtle messages.
I’m sorry for your lost. And I really mean it. My mother has cancer, too.
What happened to you is as bad as everything else. Every situation that brings you to this thoughts is horrible; no matter what exactly happened. – But that’s just my opinion.
Did you try to talk to your father?
Thank you all for the words of encouragement and hope. I never opened up to anyone, or anything before so it was good typing how I feel. I have tried to talk to my Dad but he was threatening me and constantly insulting me every time we talked to eachother, telling me every time pretty much I’m a failure and I’m just a mistake. During this time my Guardian was fighting for custody rights, and won. And my dad strongly dislikes me for my decision. The weird thing though is that now everything has hit me. It didn’t hit me three months ago or a year ago…just about a month ago. But I’ve always been a little depressed, but it slowly progressed into this. I feel Pathedic though for feeling this way, cause there are people who have gone through so much more and come out on top. I’m just afraid to open up to someone cause I don’t want them to act upon what I tell them. And in all seriousness thank you all for your kind words.