I’ve kind of just ditched God I guess.
I mean I know he’s real in everything,
but I’m just too selfish to care.
My parents forced me to go to church today.
I purposely did not listen to the message really.
When I wanted to sing, I told myself not too.
It’s sad I guess, I really just don’t want anything to do with God.
I guess I’m angry because when I needed him most he didn’t do anything.
It’s just I want to live my life. I want to smoke. I want to drink. I want to do whatever I want. and if this makes me selfish, so be it. I don’t give a fuck.
I decided I’m just going to change myself 100%. I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want and not care what people say. I’m gonna do what makes me happy, not what makes my mom happy.
I tell myself I’m getting better, but in reality I’m still the same sick little girl I’ve always been. I try to hide her, pretend like shes not there. But she is. Am I insane? maybe.
I’m still suicidal. If I was to pick to die or to live I would pick to die. I guess I’ve just been telling my mom I’ve been better so she’ll get off my back.
This is all a bunch of me rambling. blah. talk to me if you would like.
3 comments
I don’t think that makes you selfish. I think it makes you human. It’s hard not to rebel against God when you’re in pain, don’t understand why you have to feel this way, don’t know how to make it stop.
And I get how it feels to just want to tell the world to god fuck itself and do whatever the hell you want to do. For me, it always comes out of wanting so badly to find a way to escape the hurt. Oblivion, or finding a way not to hurt through the act of no longer caring about anything, or actually managing to find a way to feel happy, or just finally being able to let yourself go through with suicide because you don’t have to care about the people you would leave behind anymore… and I don’t think that’s a selfish reaction, in you or in anyone. I think it comes out of desperation — and survival instinct. Wanting so badly to feel like you *want* to live again.
I’m sorry you’re hurting like this. For what it’s worth, based on the posts and comments I’ve read by you here, you seem like a good person. You make this forum feel like a welcoming place. I hope you can find a way to feel like you’d rather pick life, because I think the world is better off having you in it. But I know it’s hardly that easy.
It’s great to do what brings happiness to you…along as no harm is caused. I’ve learned to not hide, or be ashamed of my state. It’s real, and you can’t argue with reality, as it tends to win-so I do my best when out in public…..I smile and fake it. It’s part of the game. We’re all challenged with fear, especially parents being worried about their children and projecting on to them what THEY feel/think is best when in truth may not be close to what you actually need. But a lot of parents were not well parented themselves. Oy, the cycle. Good luck to you.
thanks to you both, means a lot.