I’ve never gotten close to committing actual suicide but I’ve always thought about how I just want to end my life or just how easy it would be if I could take everything I’m feeling away. To live in this world like a zombie, not being able to feel anything and just live life being content with what I have.
I think the reason why I feel like I want to die is because I feel very lonely. There is no importance of living and continuing on with life when I feel like no one (other than my family members) will miss me. What’s even worse is that I have few good friends who I think would be devastated if I were to kill myself. But they are too far away. I need them here with me right now to keep me happy, to feel wanted and important, to just share my feelings with. I also have a boyfriend, who doesn’t know that I have this side to me, and I’m sure he’ll be devasted also. But it’s sad that I feel really distant and lonely when I’m not hanging out with him. All I have is my work, a stable relationship from Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm. It’s usually the down times, the weekends, when I start to feel bored and lonely, then the thoughts of suicide and leaving this world pain-free come into my mind.
I know I have to fine being on my own but it’s very hard. I find that when I’m by myself I start to have suicidal tendencies, where I start thinking about how depressing my life is and how I need more excitement in my life. I need excitement that can only be filled by my friends and the special person but for some reason I feel like that excitement is lacking in both parties.
I just want the weekends to go by quickly. I just want to be wrapped up in work all day.
3 comments
you might just need a hobby.. or a puppy.
i feel very lonely and sad most of the times nothing makes sense i kind of know how you feel but hey you have a boyfriend thats something i guess and you can always make new friends i know that it is easier to say it than to actually do it but still maybe all you need is that excitment that youre talking about and try something new it may help i guess…anyway if you want to talk or something you can send me a message or anything just try to consider suicide as your last option…after you already tried everything else and that didnt work out…
I understand very much how you feel. The few friends I have are also nowhere near me, and it’s nothing like having them close, to actually see and talk to. When you feel like this, knowing there out there somewhere, but virtually inaccessible, doesn’t help at all. And it is always down time that seems the hardest — those hours you have to fill yourself. I hate my job, but at least it kills time.
I wish I could offer more than just commiseration. If I knew the secret to finding people to connect with, I would share it in a heartbeat. All I can say is that I hope you do manage to find people who can do that for you. And… have you thought about sharing how you feel with your boyfriend? I can understand not wanting to. I’m terrible at opening up to people myself. But if you think it’s a possibility, maybe it would help to have that person who loves you aware of what you’re going through.