I’ve never gotten close to committing actual suicide but I’ve always thought about how I just want to end my life or just how easy it would be if I could take everything I’m feeling away. To live in this world like a zombie, not being able to feel anything and just live life being content with what I have.
I think the reason why I feel like I want to die is because I feel very lonely. There is no importance of living and continuing on with life when I feel like no one (other than my family members) will miss me. What’s even worse is that I have few good friends who I think would be devastated if I were to kill myself. But they are too far away. I need them here with me right now to keep me happy, to feel wanted and important, to just share my feelings with. I also have a boyfriend, who doesn’t know that I have this side to me, and I’m sure he’ll be devasted also. But it’s sad that I feel really distant and lonely when I’m not hanging out with him. All I have is my work, a stable relationship from Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm. It’s usually the down times, the weekends, when I start to feel bored and lonely, then the thoughts of suicide and leaving this world pain-free come into my mind.
I know I have to fine being on my own but it’s very hard. I find that when I’m by myself I start to have suicidal tendencies, where I start thinking about how depressing my life is and how I need more excitement in my life. I need excitement that can only be filled by my friends and the special person but for some reason I feel like that excitement is lacking in both parties.
I just want the weekends to go by quickly. I just want to be wrapped up in work all day.