Have you ever felt like you’re sinking deeper and deeper into yourself and you can’t seem to find a way to resurface? I feel that way everyday. At first i used to be able to find a way out. All i had to do was run the shiny, sharp razor down my arm, marking the unmarked skin. Each cut tells a story. Cutting used to be my escape for everything wrong in my life. It seems now that i’ve gotten used to that pain, i need a better outlet. Drinking and drugs helped me escape reality for the time being, until they started to wear off. I wondered back to cutting knowing that the pain wasn’t enough to cover up the pain that i had inside. I got creative and put drops of lemon juice into my cuts. You’d think that with all my searching forÂ more painÂ that’d i find a way to fix everything with my life. By now, i’ve gotten so used to the pain and knowing how worthless i am as a person that i prefer to be alone. I prefer to have pain wash over me constantly. I can’t even remember the feeling of happiness. Does anyone even know what ‘happiness’ is? I don’t believe that happiness exists. Everyone is just as messed up and lonley as me. People try so hard to cover all their problems up. Why do they do that? Who is weaker, the people that cover up their problems or me?
One day i’ll be numb to all pain. That will be the day i end it. I feel as if that day is on it’s way, let’s hope it gets here fast.