My father put a bullet in his head 20 years ago. Nice, right? Sent me out to Taco Bell for lunch…I returned 20 minutes laterÂ to LifeFlight flying away his dead body to the hospital. I was 12 or 13..We lived in a beautiful condo on the beach. He, apparently, went down to his Porsche in the parking garage and called it quits. Do you know why I loved him so much and looked up to him so much? i was a “daddy’s girl.”Â I thought he was forth-right, strong, a man, wanted to show me how he would always take care of me…That’s bullshit and fucking selfish of him. I was so impressionable. Â He was my rock. My hero. HeÂ WAS my rolemodel…lol, what an idiot. Actually, what a selfish bastard, so weak. I feel I am such the opposite now….to my defeat,Â unfortunately. I amÂ now so unwilling to have real relationships.Â I can pinpoint everyone’sÂ flaws, their weaknesses, thier vulnerablities very quickly….and I hate it. Sometimes, I think life could be easier if I went could relate to the phrase “ignorance is bliss.”
Â I am 33 now and I am just realizing how it has and is affecting me. Wow..I have always been coined as “gifted and intelligent”, but I feel like a moron….dumbass. His suicide has affected me greatly. I distrust men. All of them, every single one of them.Â I am constantly leary and awareÂ of their intentions. I am a “goddess” at taking advantage of them. I am not a golddigger, I don’t allow myself to let them take advantage of me…any part of me. I take advantage of them. I abuse their trust. I abuse their loyalty. In my mind, they are not worthy of my loyalty. If you met me, you would have NO clue. You would just think I was a cool, easy goingÂ chick, thatÂ all the guys wanted to be friends with. Guys love me, girls love me because guys love me, girls that don’t know me hate me, but want to be my best friend.Â It is a racket! Crazy…Sick
Â I was married to a very nice guy for 12 years and took advantage of him. I loved him, but never “loved” him. He was my caretaker and that was it,my handler. I was so good thatÂ it only took me until I wasÂ barely 17 to find him. He never stood a chance. He was a great husband, most of my girlfriends would’ve loved to have a husband like him. It was so fake for me, but not him. I knew for atleast 5 years it was a sham.Â He had no clue. Â I finally decided to quit the bullshit and divorced him, but didn’t realize how “real” it was to be in a real life realtionship that had true feelings involved. I feel like a ***** a user and I am very sorry for doing that to my ex. MyÂ current boyfriend,Â forÂ almost 2 years, since I got divorced is not your orthodox, sweet charm-kinda boyfriend.Â I could’ve picked an easier egg to crack, but to be honest with you…Â I am not trying to crack any eggs. I want a man to earn my trust, deserve it, reciprocate what IÂ give him.Â I just want to be normal and have real feelings for a realÂ man that knows me and all of my flaws. We all have them, unfortunately, before my new relationship…I didn’t realize I had so many flaws. I desire unresentful, trusting, loving feelings that aren’t documented. Is that realistic? Or should I carry on with life and just have fun? I really want a family. I want to raise children in a loving home where both parents get along and exude love.Â I know I love this man, butÂ my head is so far up my ass, I amÂ fucking it up. My trust/daddy issues are fucking it up. I just ordered a book called “The courage to trust”, has anyone read this? Any advice/hope would help. I am as real as they come, but I can’t trust men…WTF??? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.Â
I can recognize my problem(s) all of it, but I don’t know how to move beyond those problems. How do I resolve the bullshit past I have endured? Yes, yes, I have been to therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists….medication, everything. I am not in denial, I just don’t know how to grow past my past. Maybe this new book will help, but I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone that has been through something similar. Is there hope to trust again..it’s been 20 years?