My father put a bullet in his head 20 years ago. Nice, right? Sent me out to Taco Bell for lunch…I returned 20 minutes later to LifeFlight flying away his dead body to the hospital. I was 12 or 13..We lived in a beautiful condo on the beach. He, apparently, went down to his Porsche in the parking garage and called it quits. Do you know why I loved him so much and looked up to him so much? i was a “daddy’s girl.” I thought he was forth-right, strong, a man, wanted to show me how he would always take care of me…That’s bullshit and fucking selfish of him. I was so impressionable.  He was my rock. My hero. He WAS my rolemodel…lol, what an idiot. Actually, what a selfish bastard, so weak. I feel I am such the opposite now….to my defeat, unfortunately. I am now so unwilling to have real relationships. I can pinpoint everyone’s flaws, their weaknesses, thier vulnerablities very quickly….and I hate it. Sometimes, I think life could be easier if I went could relate to the phrase “ignorance is bliss.”
 I am 33 now and I am just realizing how it has and is affecting me. Wow..I have always been coined as “gifted and intelligent”, but I feel like a moron….dumbass. His suicide has affected me greatly. I distrust men. All of them, every single one of them. I am constantly leary and aware of their intentions. I am a “goddess” at taking advantage of them. I am not a golddigger, I don’t allow myself to let them take advantage of me…any part of me. I take advantage of them. I abuse their trust. I abuse their loyalty. In my mind, they are not worthy of my loyalty. If you met me, you would have NO clue. You would just think I was a cool, easy going chick, that all the guys wanted to be friends with. Guys love me, girls love me because guys love me, girls that don’t know me hate me, but want to be my best friend. It is a racket! Crazy…Sick
 I was married to a very nice guy for 12 years and took advantage of him. I loved him, but never “loved” him. He was my caretaker and that was it,my handler. I was so good that it only took me until I was barely 17 to find him. He never stood a chance. He was a great husband, most of my girlfriends would’ve loved to have a husband like him. It was so fake for me, but not him. I knew for atleast 5 years it was a sham. He had no clue.  I finally decided to quit the bullshit and divorced him, but didn’t realize how “real” it was to be in a real life realtionship that had true feelings involved. I feel like a ***** a user and I am very sorry for doing that to my ex. My current boyfriend, for almost 2 years, since I got divorced is not your orthodox, sweet charm-kinda boyfriend. I could’ve picked an easier egg to crack, but to be honest with you… I am not trying to crack any eggs. I want a man to earn my trust, deserve it, reciprocate what I give him. I just want to be normal and have real feelings for a real man that knows me and all of my flaws. We all have them, unfortunately, before my new relationship…I didn’t realize I had so many flaws. I desire unresentful, trusting, loving feelings that aren’t documented. Is that realistic? Or should I carry on with life and just have fun? I really want a family. I want to raise children in a loving home where both parents get along and exude love. I know I love this man, but my head is so far up my ass, I am fucking it up. My trust/daddy issues are fucking it up. I just ordered a book called “The courage to trust”, has anyone read this? Any advice/hope would help. I am as real as they come, but I can’t trust men…WTF??? Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.Â
I can recognize my problem(s) all of it, but I don’t know how to move beyond those problems. How do I resolve the bullshit past I have endured? Yes, yes, I have been to therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists….medication, everything. I am not in denial, I just don’t know how to grow past my past. Maybe this new book will help, but I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone that has been through something similar. Is there hope to trust again..it’s been 20 years?
6 comments
I’m really sorry to hear that your dad killed himself when you were young, but you shouldn’t use this as reasoning for you using guys and then breaking thier hearts. Men have hearts too you know. Just be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend.
Wow… i feel like i read a book or something reading your post, but reading a book is deffinately not gonna help you if certified therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists can’t help you. I havn’t been in this situation before but i do believe that you can get past this. IT’s hard to lose a parent i know… but i know for sure this is not what your dad had in mind. ANd you probably only do this because it gives you comfort…. or something that makes you feel complete… If you can just get past this and accept the fact that your dad wants you to be happy maybe you can stop the way you treat guys…
Hey coldsurvivor,. what a great post…So honest and real. Suicide isn’t a test for those leaving, it’s for those who remain and it has set up a whole bunch of challenges that part of you is aware of but as you said, don’t know how to navigate through. Because of your choices you’ve created some interesting karma for yourself.
There is certainly a way through. Do you skype? I’ve coached some people through various life scenarios. If you are serious about making headway with your situation, I’d be up for a chat. My skype ID is softsoul9
Quite the game you’ve been playing, in truth, you’ve been really screwing with yourself….many would have done the same, completely normal-you had no control when you’re dad made his exit and through your relationships you attempted to establish all the control you lost from the crushing blow you received when you’re hero took his life.
It’s my sense, you’re still too close to your own situation and talking with the right person will help give you perspective and be able to see the positive in what happened as you need to find a way to continue on and fulfill your birthright. Wherever he is, he knows what he did and loves you very, very much. Cheers.
coldsurvivor: Your Dad’s death was a terrible, traumatic loss that seems to haunt you, and you seem to think has changed you into someone you don’t want to be. Why do you need to ‘grow past you past’? That terrible experience is part of what makes you who you are – the positive and good as well as the negative and bad.
Could you come to see that your Dad’s suicide was because he was overwhelmed by something awful and couldn’t cope? The fact that he loved you and almost certainly knew what his death would mean to you makes the pain he was suffering all the greater. He was ill – period. The men in your life are a totally different situation. Yes, they may let you down, but it’ll be for very different reasons. I’m sure you know that you appear to be projecting onto your relationships the ‘loss’ of your Dad – and you know that’s faulty reasoning… but how to correct that faulty reasoning and take your relationships as they come?
Would you feel able to talk to you boyfriend, and even your ex, about how you think your Dad’s death is affecting your relationships? How do they see the way you are? If their understanding of where you’re coming from increases, maybe they’re able to be more reassuring to you about the way they feel about you – mutual understanding forging greater trust. The people we love, or think we love, want to know what makes us tick – why we are who we are – as we do of them. Maybe disclosing your hurt and how you think it’s damaged, or damaging, you could bring about gradual change as you are affirmed by those who love you.
‘Earning’ and ‘deserving’ are tricky concepts to apply to a relationship. If one has to earn or deserve trust, rather than for it to be freely, naturally given by you, I’m not sure that can be called ‘relationship’. It sounds more like a transaction – a formal arrangement. We have to ‘let go’ to the people we (think we) love. Just how one can force oneself to do this when it doesn’t come naturally I don’t know… Maybe you just haven;t met the right person yet and when you do, this will happen without ‘force’.
I hope so, and hope that you can come to a stage when you can honour your Dad’s memory and the love you so clearly have for him (albeit understandably melded with anger or resentment that he left you) by being the contented person he will have wanted you to be – even though he couldn’t remain in this life to see it.
I was very close to my dad and I was only ten when he poisoned himself. I am 34 now but the memory is sove my vivid, so painful..unbearable at times. Time does not heal all wounds!! Its like a movie that puaslays constantly in my head and I wish I could erase it but I am not willing to let go just yet, I guess. Maybe it because I blame myself for not stopping him. The day before my dad took his life, he told me indireclty that he was going to kill himself.. it only dawned on me years later ( too late). The day he committed suicide, something overwhelming …. like a spirit guide almost, told me to take my younger brother to the shop. My two elder sisters saw my father just after he consumed the poison. When my brother and I returned,it was all over. Eenthough I did not see it, I IMAGINE everyday what torture he must have been through. i loved my Dad but I also watched him suffer with severe depression. He lost every
Sorry for the typos, was crying while writing and pressed the send button before completing my story. …… He lost everything, his job, his wife ( my mother), his home. I watched him succumb to depression in the the worst way possible. Ironically, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago. They say its genetic… been on meds, didnot help. I tried to kill myself a few months ago!!. I took 15 sleeping pills,m slit my wrist very deeply, but woke up in hospital, totally out of it. I ended up losing my job, have lost all my friends, lost my home,my car and had to move in with my mom. I feel like history is repeating itself, but why? I have trierd to make sense of this tragedy, to overcome it but I am lost. My siblings dont seem as effect