I read somewhere, in an almanac of popular myths I think, Â that it’s a great fallacy that “You have to be really depressed to commit suicide.” and I thought at the time, gosh that’s true.
I’m barely depressed at all. Oh my friends would say differently – they love to gaslight me… but it’s the truth; I’m really quite regular. I have a good job (that I do badly), I just quit smoking (future facing eh?)… I save money each month to buy (another) house one day. Some people envy me. I really do OK.
I would also like to kill myself. I wanted to believe in God, in the Lord Jesus Christ… and I… couldn’t. I suppose realising I was an atheist was the catalyst for this. I know many people will have a hard time accepting that as a valid reason to throw in the towel. I can’t get on board (oh, tried) with the existentialist ethos of your life having meaning; the meaning you choose to give it. I know there’s no point to anything, to any of this… and I don’t have enough pleasure, enough absent worries, to make the charade worth hanging around for. I have parents that love me very much (and I, them) which is why I’m still here, writing this. It’s hard… I feel a great pressure of time to do it soon; at the moment I hold everything together, look for the most part, normal… but the cracks are beginning to show. My grip’s loosening. Yet I can’t figure out how to spare these two wonderful people some of the hurt.
There’s my story then – I think I’m one of the rational ones.
4 comments
I’m having trouble taking what your wrote seriously. Your grip’s loosening? You think you’re one of the rational ones….when and if your folks find out, their minds can not rationalize why or what you have done….it’s unfathomable.
How depressed are you? You’re able to hold down a job….I’m not really, I work very part time. And when you cross over, you’ll seriously get reprimanded because your circumstances do not seem to be peril and causing harm to other people while in this life is not looked upon very well.
I understand you may not believe in God…but who the heck created the place…you, me, the stars….obviously you will believe what you feel, but whether you’re aware of it or not…there is ultimate truth! The more in alignment with that truth, the easier your crossing over will be…ultimate truth is there is a Creator, there is universal law and we are all governed by it whether or not we give it any concern or believe in it or not.
You of course have free will…but we often make choices without having all the facts and information to make that informed choice….this is a serious decision. I would seriously reconsider how grateful you are. Many people on this forum have parents that abuse them, or no one at all…and you are in a position to hurt these people. If your situation is that serious, the honourable thing to do is to openly tell them! Something is not ringing true in your post. Hope you can resolve where you’re at.
I think you’re in denial. Which is okay, but people who are happy don’t want to kill themselves… I think you just want to be okay, and want to so bad to be rational. Just because you have a good life doesn’t mean you can’t be depressed. I would really give yourself a second look, and really think. Why do I want to kill myself? What are these feelings I’m feelings, and why am I feeling them? Rational people do not contemplate killing themselves. It’s just not so. So like I said, second look yourself, and face reality, and maybe possibly when you’re ready, try to get help.
Wow, OK – I didn’t expect a reaction like yours Softsoul. It’s possibly my fault, I misunderstood the tone/the point of this place.
For that I apologise.
To answer your Qs – I am not depressed AT ALL. I’d be a liar if I claimed I was. Depression, by my reckoning, is a mental illness, bad brain chemistry sometimes brought on my terrible life circumstances… or just because you’re predisposed to it.
Whatever, whichever – I don’t have it.
I’m genuinely sorry that you do.
What I do have is an insight into the utter futility of this short race we’re all running. I gave up God (I’m pandering to you here – because I now know full well there was NO God to give up) and yes – an absolute, unerring truth seeped in and filled the void. Truth says you’re wrong about a creator, about a universal law. The moment we stop breathing, everything’s over. Hello oblivion!
If I didn’t believe this (know this!) with every fibre of my being, I wouldn’t want to die! But I DO know it – and I’m TIRED of the one step forward, 2 steps back I’m forever taking. I’m TIRED of doing OK… but never well, never great. I’m TIRED of caring about interior decor and car seat covers. I’m TIRED of never making a real connection with anyone. I’m TIRED of a glossy, plastic world whos soul shrivelled up and died years ago.
Now why wouldn’t I want sleep????
Oh, I imagine you’ll tell me I’m not ringing true… and neverthesame will probably suggest I’m delusional (Hi NTS – I do appreciate your message, thanks for taking the time).
It is what it is. I’ve tried to state my position as simply and honestly as I can.
I think I get where you’re coming from. A lot of people I’ve heard try to tell others there is a greater meaning to life (or there is some higher power) but I think you should think that it doesn’t matter there isn’t a God. Meaning to our lives, as animals, is created by us. There will always be meaning to your life, even if it feels like there isn’t. I know that probably doesn’t help. All I can say is that yesterday I almost threw in the towel and today I have walked around completely numb and sad and dead inside. I don’t know if there are higher meanings, I believe humans exist to grow, mate, raise young and then die, but I can do whatever the heck I want. No, I won’t have the career I want, or the perfect relationship, but I can certainly have a bash at it. I realise that’s not related to you and I’m sorry.
I’m not going to tell you you sound false. You do sound rational. You don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal, I don’t think I’ve ever felt actual depression until this year and yet I’ve felt suicidal many times before.
Do you ever feel like you’re just going through the daily motions and your heart just isn’t in it? Because I’m sure a lot of people, all over the world would empathise with you there.