It’s been two years i’ve been experiencing real depression. I’ve had daddy issues since i can remember. my dad was an emotionally unstable, alcoholic. He was a depressed, bi-ploar-maniac. He would get so hammered and beat the shit out of my brother and my mom all the time (me as well, but i’d say they definitely got it the worst)… As a kid and having such a naive perspective of the world i never really looked at his behavior as a slowly worsening mental condition. I was under the impression he chose to drink and be a crazy fucking lunatic. Little did i know he just had problems and needed help (and chose to deal with it wrong)
I’ve resented him since the day he got arrested the second time for beating my brother. I was eleven. me and him would occasionally talk at Christmas and my birthday and stuff, but other than that i avoided him as much as possible. I saw him as a lowlife woman/child beating son of a ***** and i felt like i truly HATED him. I tried talking to him in the summer saying,Â ‘it’s been a long time – maybe we can have a beer sometime’ but his response was (literally) ‘YOU LITTLE BRAT. YOU WASTE OF FLESH. IF YOU THINK I WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU YOU’RE WRONG!’. we had some exchange of words (i never said anything rude back to him). I told him if he really didn’t want anything to do with me, that he wouldn’t reply to me again (and my dad is the type of guy who ALWAYS needs the last word in. ALWAYS). But this time he never did. Even in his own self-righteous mind he wouldn’t even talk to me; not even to get his last word in to insult me again – Like i was the one who fucked his life up and made him move back in with his mom and lose his family.
well whatever, right? i don’t have a father in my life and haven’t since the age of 11. (and i really don’t think i can consider the first 11 years of my life with my dad GOOD at all). I’ve let it go and accepted i’ll never have a dad. (i have a step dad but he treats me like a step dad… not a dad)
Me and my mom? Complete opposites. She reminds me of everything i dislike about my self. the OCD. The way she knows exactly what to say/do just to get a real reaction out of me. We don’t have anything in common. I often find myself giving more advice to her than she ever gives me. I don’t blame her though – the stress of being with my dad for years gave her the disease lupus. I know she used to be a strong, confident woman who i could rely on for advice or help when i needed it but now me and her have NO connection at all and the only time she ever talks to me is to ***** at me or put me down, and the only time i ever talk to her is to ***** and complain myself. Neither of us enjoys living with the other and that makes me feel alot worse about my life in general.. i wish i had a parent i could go to, and talk to, or get advice from. i have NOBODY.
Now – I feel like i’m him. Like now that i’m an adult i’m slowly turning into him. i’m SEVERELY depressed often thinking about suicide throughout the day – every day. I have manic episodes of extreme anger, anxiety, or depression. My mental state is slowing degrading into the miserable, petty, and pathetic state my dad has lived in for years. I feel like i am now that piece of shit who made me feel insecure, and un confident growing up. I stay up until ~6:00 am every night. I don’t know why. I wish i could sleep so badly, i hate being up late every single night (no matter WHAT time i wake up at) feeling lonely, depressed, and miserable. I feel like i have nobody.
But i don’t have nobody. I have some people in my life who care about me. My girlfriend of over a year, my love, has cheated on me twice. once with my best friend (whom i never talk to anymore[which caused me to be a social outcast and drop out of school]) and again with some random fucking loser 2 years younger than us. what does that say for me? She’s convinced me she loves me, and that our feelings are mutual, and real. but i can’t get over the fact she cheated on me. i want to move forward, but now im an over-controlling, jealous asshole. I need to know who she’s with. who she’s talking to to. where she is. etc. at all times. I get such bad anxiety i just sit in my room shaking looking at the wall. what kind of fucking life is this? this is EVERY SINGLE DAY im in my room with nothing to do, and nothing interesting me at all. I stare at the wall, or ill try and watch a tv show. I’m never particularly interested nor following the storyline of what i’m watching, but i TRY to get my mind of things that stress me out.
I’ve been feeling suicidal for a while lately. contemplating what it would be like, trying to psych myself up and grow some fucking balls for once and not let the thought of death scare me. but …. death doesn’t scare me. It’s the act of suicide that does. I don’t wear a seatbelt anymore and i rip shit in my car. why? just to see if fate will catch up with me and do the deed itself. I want to die – but i am such a ***** the thought of offing myself just gives me more anxiety. what are my lasts moments going to be like? i already know how ill do it – but just thinking of my last moments alive scares me. I wish fate would just take me out on its own, send me an imminent fatal disease, or a drunk driver at me. anything that results in death and me not having to do it sounds fucking AWESOME!!!
i’ve lost basically everything. my education, my friends/social life, my happiness. I’m just a miserable shell continuing to exist in an empty, pointless life. I have maybe 3-4 true, real friends.. I only hang out with 2 of them every now and then, seeing the other friends i have is very rare now, as they actually HAVE lives and purposes for existing. (not that the friends i DO see don’t..) My brother is the person i look up to most. He got the worst of the beatings (both times my dad was arrested was because of the violence toward my BROTHER), yet he turned out fucking great! he’s got a great job, a great home, great friends, a loyal girlfriend who loves him, money, cool cars, etc.. He’s fucking successful in every way imaginable. Unfortunately – i think i got the shit end of the stick. I think i got my dads mental genes – that or i’m just to pathetic to make something of myself. I feel lower and lower every day and each day i feel like i’ve got to convince myself life isn’t going to get better. I feel like i need to keep myself distant from everyone around me – ESPECIALLY my girlfriend. (me and her have been doing great the past 5 and a half months) I’ve come to the conclusion that i’m a controlling, dependent, maniac and that she is the only way i’ll ever find happiness. I rely on her solely and completely for all my happiness. I have told her that she is the only thing that makes life worth living (which is a totally TRUE statement) and that i would be completely lost without her.
But now – all i have been doing is keeping myself distant. Like – i wanna lose the only thing worth living for so i don’t have to put up with life anymore. If i lose her – maybe i’ll finally have the courage to commit suicide. Lately all i’ve been doing is keeping my emotions bottled up, which hasn’t been doing me any favours. I went crazy tonight, bashing my head on the steering wheel, punching the fuck out of my dash, kicking and punching the outside of my car. I have bruises on my face and forehead, my hand is swollen, my wrist is sore, i have a goose egg on my ELBOW and i have a dark, dark purple bruise on my foot. all this because why? because i’m an emotionally unstable freakshow. and the worst part about it is – that i still think logically enough to know that i’m fucked in the head – but i’m unable to change. Over the past 2 years i’ve lost all happiness and all my friends. I am so lonely. all i have left is my beautiful, awesome girlfriend (that cheated on me twice). my brother doesn’t even respect me anymore because i owe him money. What kind of piece of shit brother gets in debt with his own brother and can’t pay him back? – ME. I’m such a low life, miserable sack of shit.
anyways – i want to do the exit bag method. I’m going to lay in my bathroom tub with the door locked, put the bag over my head, close the shower curtain and close my eyes and hope i pass out as soon as possible. I read an article on this forum that somebody tried and it was unsuccessful.. what do you think the success rate would be?