It’s been two years i’ve been experiencing real depression. I’ve had daddy issues since i can remember. my dad was an emotionally unstable, alcoholic. He was a depressed, bi-ploar-maniac. He would get so hammered and beat the shit out of my brother and my mom all the time (me as well, but i’d say they definitely got it the worst)… As a kid and having such a naive perspective of the world i never really looked at his behavior as a slowly worsening mental condition. I was under the impression he chose to drink and be a crazy fucking lunatic. Little did i know he just had problems and needed help (and chose to deal with it wrong)
I’ve resented him since the day he got arrested the second time for beating my brother. I was eleven. me and him would occasionally talk at Christmas and my birthday and stuff, but other than that i avoided him as much as possible. I saw him as a lowlife woman/child beating son of a ***** and i felt like i truly HATED him. I tried talking to him in the summer saying, ‘it’s been a long time – maybe we can have a beer sometime’ but his response was (literally) ‘YOU LITTLE BRAT. YOU WASTE OF FLESH. IF YOU THINK I WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU YOU’RE WRONG!’. we had some exchange of words (i never said anything rude back to him). I told him if he really didn’t want anything to do with me, that he wouldn’t reply to me again (and my dad is the type of guy who ALWAYS needs the last word in. ALWAYS). But this time he never did. Even in his own self-righteous mind he wouldn’t even talk to me; not even to get his last word in to insult me again – Like i was the one who fucked his life up and made him move back in with his mom and lose his family.
well whatever, right? i don’t have a father in my life and haven’t since the age of 11. (and i really don’t think i can consider the first 11 years of my life with my dad GOOD at all). I’ve let it go and accepted i’ll never have a dad. (i have a step dad but he treats me like a step dad… not a dad)
Me and my mom? Complete opposites. She reminds me of everything i dislike about my self. the OCD. The way she knows exactly what to say/do just to get a real reaction out of me. We don’t have anything in common. I often find myself giving more advice to her than she ever gives me. I don’t blame her though – the stress of being with my dad for years gave her the disease lupus. I know she used to be a strong, confident woman who i could rely on for advice or help when i needed it but now me and her have NO connection at all and the only time she ever talks to me is to ***** at me or put me down, and the only time i ever talk to her is to ***** and complain myself. Neither of us enjoys living with the other and that makes me feel alot worse about my life in general.. i wish i had a parent i could go to, and talk to, or get advice from. i have NOBODY.
Now – I feel like i’m him. Like now that i’m an adult i’m slowly turning into him. i’m SEVERELY depressed often thinking about suicide throughout the day – every day. I have manic episodes of extreme anger, anxiety, or depression. My mental state is slowing degrading into the miserable, petty, and pathetic state my dad has lived in for years. I feel like i am now that piece of shit who made me feel insecure, and un confident growing up. I stay up until ~6:00 am every night. I don’t know why. I wish i could sleep so badly, i hate being up late every single night (no matter WHAT time i wake up at) feeling lonely, depressed, and miserable. I feel like i have nobody.
But i don’t have nobody. I have some people in my life who care about me. My girlfriend of over a year, my love, has cheated on me twice. once with my best friend (whom i never talk to anymore[which caused me to be a social outcast and drop out of school]) and again with some random fucking loser 2 years younger than us. what does that say for me? She’s convinced me she loves me, and that our feelings are mutual, and real. but i can’t get over the fact she cheated on me. i want to move forward, but now im an over-controlling, jealous asshole. I need to know who she’s with. who she’s talking to to. where she is. etc. at all times. I get such bad anxiety i just sit in my room shaking looking at the wall. what kind of fucking life is this? this is EVERY SINGLE DAY im in my room with nothing to do, and nothing interesting me at all. I stare at the wall, or ill try and watch a tv show. I’m never particularly interested nor following the storyline of what i’m watching, but i TRY to get my mind of things that stress me out.
I’ve been feeling suicidal for a while lately. contemplating what it would be like, trying to psych myself up and grow some fucking balls for once and not let the thought of death scare me. but …. death doesn’t scare me. It’s the act of suicide that does. I don’t wear a seatbelt anymore and i rip shit in my car. why? just to see if fate will catch up with me and do the deed itself. I want to die – but i am such a ***** the thought of offing myself just gives me more anxiety. what are my lasts moments going to be like? i already know how ill do it – but just thinking of my last moments alive scares me. I wish fate would just take me out on its own, send me an imminent fatal disease, or a drunk driver at me. anything that results in death and me not having to do it sounds fucking AWESOME!!!
i’ve lost basically everything. my education, my friends/social life, my happiness. I’m just a miserable shell continuing to exist in an empty, pointless life. I have maybe 3-4 true, real friends.. I only hang out with 2 of them every now and then, seeing the other friends i have is very rare now, as they actually HAVE lives and purposes for existing. (not that the friends i DO see don’t..) My brother is the person i look up to most. He got the worst of the beatings (both times my dad was arrested was because of the violence toward my BROTHER), yet he turned out fucking great! he’s got a great job, a great home, great friends, a loyal girlfriend who loves him, money, cool cars, etc.. He’s fucking successful in every way imaginable. Unfortunately – i think i got the shit end of the stick. I think i got my dads mental genes – that or i’m just to pathetic to make something of myself. I feel lower and lower every day and each day i feel like i’ve got to convince myself life isn’t going to get better. I feel like i need to keep myself distant from everyone around me – ESPECIALLY my girlfriend. (me and her have been doing great the past 5 and a half months) I’ve come to the conclusion that i’m a controlling, dependent, maniac and that she is the only way i’ll ever find happiness. I rely on her solely and completely for all my happiness. I have told her that she is the only thing that makes life worth living (which is a totally TRUE statement) and that i would be completely lost without her.
But now – all i have been doing is keeping myself distant. Like – i wanna lose the only thing worth living for so i don’t have to put up with life anymore. If i lose her – maybe i’ll finally have the courage to commit suicide. Lately all i’ve been doing is keeping my emotions bottled up, which hasn’t been doing me any favours. I went crazy tonight, bashing my head on the steering wheel, punching the fuck out of my dash, kicking and punching the outside of my car. I have bruises on my face and forehead, my hand is swollen, my wrist is sore, i have a goose egg on my ELBOW and i have a dark, dark purple bruise on my foot. all this because why? because i’m an emotionally unstable freakshow. and the worst part about it is – that i still think logically enough to know that i’m fucked in the head – but i’m unable to change. Over the past 2 years i’ve lost all happiness and all my friends. I am so lonely. all i have left is my beautiful, awesome girlfriend (that cheated on me twice). my brother doesn’t even respect me anymore because i owe him money. What kind of piece of shit brother gets in debt with his own brother and can’t pay him back? – ME. I’m such a low life, miserable sack of shit.
anyways – i want to do the exit bag method. I’m going to lay in my bathroom tub with the door locked, put the bag over my head, close the shower curtain and close my eyes and hope i pass out as soon as possible. I read an article on this forum that somebody tried and it was unsuccessful.. what do you think the success rate would be?
18 comments
it sounds like you dont really want to die, just a way to escape your responsibilities and problems.
Regarding the exit bag – forget about it, maybe with a lot of alcohol and diphenhydramine…but otherwise you’ll just panic.
Hmm i dont know about sticking a bag over you head? Have you tried to get help for these issues? Obviously your dad needed help and didnt get it but you dont have to turn out like him you could get help and live a great life
i feel so peaceful knowing suicide is an option. knowing there IS a way out.
Yeah i feel like that too but im also terrified of screwing it up? How old are you, where you from?
The fact that your girlfriend cheated on you doesn’t actually say much about you – but it speaks volumes about her. Cheating is disrespectful and selfish, and if she’s done it twice I don’t think she deserves another chance. You’re obviously capable of showing love and being loyal. She is not. Find someone who can give that back in return, someone who actually appreciates you. She’s in the wrong here, not you. If she’s trying to tell you that she loves you, she’s lying – people who are in love simply do not cheat on their partners.
You need to break your dependancy on her. You say she’s the only thing keeping you alive but she treats you like this? Sounds to me as she’s using you. You can find someone better. Make a fresh start.
You may think you have lost everything, but think again. 3-4 real friends is actually a lot more than you think. One thing you always have is time – time to make more friends, to get a better education or to find something else instead.
It sounds like your depression is mostly clinical, which means it can be helped. You need to talk to someone like your doctor, there’s a whole plethora of medications that might just work for you. It’s worth a try. And if you’re not happy taking meds, theres other things you can do. But someone in the medical profession is best to advise you on that point.
The last thing you want to do is turn int your dad but if you dwell on it too much then that’s probably where you are going to start heading. Find something to take your mind off it.
ps. Exit bag won’t work in the way you described.
@AngelAsh: helium goes in air tight bag. bag goes on head. i inhale helium until i pass out.
@everyone else: thanks for the comments. I told my doctor i was feeling suicidal and he put me on citalopram (worst anti-depressant in the fucking world) and referred my to a psychiatrist but i have to wait another month and a half just to see them!! i don’t think i can hold out that long – i even called and asked if there is any way to get me in sooner and they said no.
I want to hold out – i know there’s lots that will be missed out on if i take my life this early – but lately i have been feeling like i want this more than ever. Each and every day this gets worse.
Oh okay you didnt mention the helium part. Even that can fail people always get that wrong. Im on aropax you tried that one? Theres got to be someone else you can see ring around tell them your desperate or if you really dont wanna kill yourself you could always admit yourself like in hospital for help
Oh and i’ve never told my doctor im suicidal guess im scared to say it out loud or tell anyone
when i went to the doc i was completely fine. the second i started attempting to tell him i was feeling suicidal i started crying in front of him..
i dont like talking about it either
Oh im sorry mate at least you went to the doctors and tried to get help i was forced by my parents to go. They know i’ve had issues with depression and anxiety but they have no idea how bad it gets or that im suicidal i hate people knowing i dont wanna scare them or worry them and i dont like getting looked at like im weird or treated differently. Everytime i go and see a doctor they ask me if i’ve had any suicidal thoughts and i always lie and say no. I dont want to be put in a psych ward or my family knowing. The meds do help but i hate that i have to take them i feel like they just mask the problems and i hate knowing that i have to be medicated to feel normal and be able to function it sucks but i guess if you need them and they help then what ya gonna do. And my doc wants me to have therapy but im really not interested in doin that
You can talk to us here we wont judge ya and your behind a computer screen anyway so its not like we can see ya and we’re kinda all in the same boat here anyway so dont worry your not alone our problems might all be a little different but we still all ended up here
@crying on the inside: just so you know your responses are definitely appreciated
Thanks i try but i guess it doesnt mean much or change anything but i’d like to try and help people especially if they ask for it but it also does feel a bit strange when im trying to help people but yet dont wanna help myself and im trying to talk people outta killing themselves when i wanna do the same thing i guess im just a hypocrit
Knowin that im not the only thinkin about it plan in it make’s me feel better.Weird but ture. Talkin people out off it most people here are stuped. Teen’s need it anyway
For what it’s worth…I came from an abusive home and my dad wasn’t as violent as yours but any abuse is not acceptable.
Again for what it’s worth…you are golden..anything negative your dad has to say to you or his behaviour in general is all about him…all of it, someone says something negative to you…it’s about them not you….I don’t know what state you’re in…but that’s what I’d say in case you’re carrying the pain… didn’t see how old you are…..you’re dad must’ve been beaten or abused cause people don’t behave that way unless they were acted upon in the same manner–not that it excuses it.
A crappy cycle that is just sh**……. When I would snap, I’d chop wood…instead of hurting myself..but I get the frustration.
This world projects enough shame and guilt on others enough as it is-it’s a serious decision for sure. I encourage you to feel the pain and go through as much as you can…I know you are feeling worse and worse…(I am too).
I do my best to accept the sh** and just learn from it…everyone on here I would think knows all about compassion and understanding, patience,
…..a lot of doctors and therapists will never encounter these qualities.
We feel bad enough as it is, so go easy on yourself and understand it was never your fault. Good luck…Cheers!
I can relate to what you are saying alot, although my dad wasn’t an alcoholic, he as a drug addict and never around, and my mom was a drug addict aswell, an addict is an addict, kids shouldn’t have to grow up in that enviornment. You sound like a very bright person.
Having three friends doesn’t seem like alot, but it is, if they are truly good friends, maybe you should talk to one of them if you are close enough to discuss the situation. Like someone said previously above, we are all in a simliar boat, but I hope you stick it out. I’m overly frustrated with life aswell, living in a very similar enviornment as you. I don’t know what else to write but If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.
Sort of annoyed that you would post something like this as its obviously a vie for attention rather than a serious post. I acknowledge that you may have suffered some tough times in your life but you are obviously a younger person. I honesty hope you find peace but I think a couch is better than an exit bag. If you want to get better, commit to getting better. Don’t just clock out.