To put it simply: everything changed. I had two homes, one with my dad and stepmom and one with my mom. I had 3 best friends and an amazing band with them. I had a girlfriend who I still love. I got in to the art school I wanted, and lived from music, art and love.
I was always closer to my dad, whoÂ´s helped me with practically everything, especially with my band. We used to talk about everything. My parents, they both have bad and good sides. Dad with his rage and manipulative behavior and mom with her drinking problems, though neither of them seems to notice any of this.
Yet now IÂ´m completely alone. IÂ´ve posted some of this story here before, but IÂ´m still trying to figure out exactly what happened.
First, my dad and stepmom divorced. Stepmom moved away and my dad started an affair with my best friend whoÂ´s 30 years younger than him and plays in the same band with me. I stopped trusting people. My friend moved to live with my dad and I moved out. I was desperate. Dad kept calling me how happy he was now, everything was right. He said I was behaving badly and I should do something to it. He said I was ungrateful and everything I ever had achieved was because of him, buying my instruments and encouraging me to play music. Dad and my friend made me feel guilty about everything and made me hate myself for my behavior. I still do.
Then they divorced. She moved out. Dad was depressed and yelled me to move back there. I didnÂ´t want to, the whole place was full of bad memories. I didnÂ´t agree but went there to get my piano. He started to yell and threw his plate to the wall. I got scared and was ready to run away if things would get ugly. He got more upset once he saw I was afraid and didnÂ´t let me get out of there with the piano. Then he announced either he or our singer, the one he had an affair with, goes away from this band and dream weÂ´ve been building for 7 years. I had to choose my dad or my former best friend, both who I despised. I didnÂ´t do anything and both were mad at me.
Then I broke up with my gf. We had been dating for almost two years and I still love her, yet I had to leave her. I asked her if she wants to be my friend or a girlfriend. To her it didnÂ´t made any difference, but to me it did. She said she wanted to be just a friend, she didnÂ´t feel anything for me, hadnÂ´t felt for a while. It killed the rest of me. SheÂ´s dating someone else soon. When I see her in school I smile and say IÂ´m alright and she buys it. When I finally fall asleep at nights IÂ´m dreaming about her. Every fucking single night, the nightmares will never end. IÂ´m completely broken.
DadÂ´s not always in this world. ItÂ´s hard to notice heÂ´s sick and mentally unstable. He begged for five weeks to come back home. I went and cooked for him and cleaned the apartment and read to my final exams. I wasnÂ´t able to sleep in my room because the amount of memories of my ex. I slept on the couch and my dad took it as a personal insult. When I went back to my mom dad called me and asked me if I could move out, he had found an apartment to himself. and that he was going away from this country to thailand, because people had mistreated him. even his own daughter.
I thought IÂ´d be there every other week until heÂ´d move, but he just called me. I was supposed to get back there on tomorrow. He called and said “I donÂ´t think you should come here.” He says IÂ´m ungrateful. All IÂ´ve ever done is because of him. And now IÂ´ve betrayed him. The guilt is killing me. HeÂ´s moving to the other side of the planet because of me and my selfishness.
Just four months ago my dad was the most important person in my life. I miss him. I miss my home, stepmom and gf. I miss my friends and my band. IÂ´ve got no one left, except my mom. ItÂ´s okay to live with her, occasionally. when sheÂ´s not drinking.
How can you lose everything in four months?