I’m straight, enough.

I’m worthless.

I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again. Which is weird for me to say. Which is why I don’t. Not to him. He seems to believe that if I have him then there is no reason to want death. And I don’t want death. Just an end. You know how it goes. I love him a lot. And it is true that he’s the main reason I live. But just because I’m happy with him does not mean I am happy. I’m just not a happy person. I probably won’t ever be. And he knew that before we started dating. I used to talk to him about everything that was on my mind. Which was great. Because I had kept all that shit in and apparently that’s bad for you. But now that he’s completely mine, he seems to believe he has cured me of the depression I’ve had for years. Not like I’ve been told I have depression. I just assume being so unhappy for so long can be classified as depression. But he hasn’t “cured” me. But I can’t tell him that.

How can you tell the person you love so much that they aren’t enough? Not even that. Because he is enough. He’s just not all what he thinks he is. So I don’t talk to him anymore about how unhappy I am. And I’m keeping everything in again. I write in a journal. Not daily. It used to be a daily task. Now it’s kind of a weekly thing. But I guess it is not enough for me, because this is the second time I’ve come to this website to share my thoughts with the whole world. Permanently. That’s kind of scary to me. I don’t want what I write to be permanent. Yet, still I write.

His birthday is next week. I have absolutely no idea what to do for him. He wants sexual things. Of course. Last year – when we were just friends and I was dying for him to be mine – I made him a mix CD. Which isn’t so original, I know. But I put a lot of thought into it. I picked out songs that mean a lot to me. Some were messages to him. I don’t know if he picked up on them or not, but he loved it a lot. I even made this little booklet to go along with it. He said it meant more to him than anything anyone had ever given him before. And it is things like that which made him finally give me a chance in August, and we have been dating ever since.

So I want to make him something that has a lot of meaning in it. Especially because this is the last birthday I could be spending with him. I’m moving in June. Far away from here. I cry about it almost every night. Secretly, I’m making him this book type thing with drawings and a CD to go with it. I’m going to give it to him the last day I see him before moving. I don’t want him knowing about it until I hand it to him. Anyway, I’m putting all this effort into this secret book thing and so I have absolutely no idea what to make him for his birthday. I can’t buy him anything because I don’t have any money. I’ll probably just have to end up doing the sexual things. Even though the thought of them makes me uncomfortable.

But how could I say no?