Unlike those who are going through a rough patch in high school or college stress, I’m 26yrs old and out in the real world. When I was in elementary school I would go home and cry because I had no friends. My mom told me it was ok, middle school would be better. The same happened in middle school, highschool, and of course college. Each was suppose to be the “best years” of my life. I’m now in the largest city in the country without a single close friend, a girlfriend, or a rewarding job, and I have $60k in student loans with a degree that doesn’t help me whatsoever.
I’ve tried going on a vacation by myself hoping I’d get to be more comfortable with myself and it was just lonely. What I have I done to find my soul mate or best friend?
I’ve tried eHarmony, Match, and OkCupid. I’m an ok looking guy with lots of fun interests so I have gone on some dates but none ended with a connection. For friends? I joined a local darts league. Everyone ended up being in their 40s. I can carry on a decent conversation but not go into social situations by myself and introduce myself to people. I’ve even bought self help books such as the famous “how to make friends and influence people”.
What have I done to help with my deep depression? I’ve tried seeing 2 therapists, taking 2 different types of anti-depressants, even going to church.
None of them have helped, I’m an only child without a single friend or person (outside of my parents who I talk to a couple times a month but aren’t super close to them) who cares or loves me. EVERY DAY is a struggle to get by. I’ve thought about suicide as the last attempt to stop the pain and researched the crap of how I’d do it. The ONLY thing keeping me from it is my belief in Heaven and Hell and my not wanting to end up in the later. I’ve been rationalizing that I could probably still get into Heaven because I’m “born again” but of course I’m not 100% sure suicide can be forgiven.
People have tried to say “there’s so many people who have it worse off than you”. Oh really? I’d rather be a homeless amputee with a medical issue if only I had a wife who loved me and a best friend who loved being around me (of course vise versa). People have it physically worse off than me, but emotional? Definitely not.
Life is horrible and I really can’t take much more of this.
BTW if anyone’s interested in what my research has determined. The easiest, most fool proof, quickest, and painless way of killing yourself is…..(drum roll please)…a shotgun (with O gauge buckshot) in your mouth, pointed up at a 45 degree angle. I’m nearly positive there is 0% chance of surviving that or suffering if you follow that.
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The shotgun way does seem flawless, another flawless and painless way is to jump off of a 20+ story building, landing head first on solid concrete (or falling backwards stretched out). Just think of how relaxing that fall would be. Imagine it. You just close your eyes and feel the wind rush past you, and with the passing noise of the wind, everything that has ever pained you, saddened you or depressed you, leave you in that fall of seconds. You’re body will be the most relaxed it will ever be. You don’t feel a single feeling in your body. And you never will ever again. For those few short seconds you are in the air falling, you may actually feel happiness. For once…..
BrooklynGuy…
I’m 36 today. I grew up in a difficult family but hoped that the best years were ahead of me. Although, I have always had close friends but time has caught up with me and I am now lonely and depressed. Although, suicide seemed like my closest friend, I know that I will not get close to doing it. So I still have to look forward and hope someday I will find some peace. Give yourself some time… At 26 there is still a lot to see and do… I know its not easy but you also never know what will happen on the other side…
Lexsym…
It’s exactly how I imagined it would be… the cool wind rushing past your ears…
Everyone here: I can relate very much with what you said,
a feeling of loneliness constantly, and like nobody in this so-called Real-world understand you, feeling like an alien, not human, etc.
But contrary to your belief, you are not alone.
It’s just most probably you haven’t searched wider & deeper, and thus found the “right” people (or ‘Group/community’) yet..
Google these three things:
1) “Free MBTI test”. it’s a personality test. and try it, and see what’s your result come out as, and then google the Description.
2. “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)”.
3. for more even bizarre thing, try google & research on following: “Indigo, Starseed characteristics”, and see if you fit/belong into one.
And for each of those three, if you go google again, you WILL find a warm-circled group/community online,
and with a bit of luck, sometimes, you can even make friend/befriend with someone close to area where you’re living, and continue into a physical, real friendship that you can sense with five senses.
We are all just ‘lost’,
but we are definitely not alone in all of these..
We just simply have to find our Place/Path, and also Connecting with like-minded souls, for encouragement and boost and sharing always, to keep living.
@BrooklynGuy: what is an “O gauge buckshot”? just curious.
but I’ve also always imagined about shotgun-at-mouth being the BEST suicide method, but after reading Lexysm’s post, I also have to agree about that way of dying,..but perhaps only if you’re not afraid of height..
@Lexsym: ah..what a good image,..also if I may add, put your most favorite music into ur iPod plugged into your ears, while you’re falling down freely..it would even enhance more of the ‘free-falling’ experience….into another world.
I can’t even go on a roller coaster, never mind jump off a building. BTW jumping off a building seems like the stupidest way to die ever. Imagine the utter fear in the moments that you’re falling through the air. It’s also NOT a sure way to die:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/09/01/nyc-man-survives-story-plunge-apartment-rooftop/
This guy tried killing himself and jumped 40 stories and lived. Sure he landed on a car, but he still fell 40 stories. You can’t completely control if you fall on a car, a person, or whatever.
@niki- a 0 gauge buckshot is a common type of shotgun shell that pretty much makes the most damage. It’s full of little metal pieces. Essentially 9 mini bullets in one cartridge that spreads out once it leaves the gun. It can take down a deer at 300 feet. So unlike a rife or a handgun where you have the possibility of missing the right spot in your brain and living you horribly disabled or disfiguring life afterwords. It’s pretty much a sure thing as it’s complete over kill.
you think you have it bad. i read one guys story on here and he was married and had a kid, good job and friends. then his wife and kid died and so did his best friend. imagion all that stuff that you want so bad, now you have it and now imagion its all taken away. thats a better reason than yours i think.
And BTW the most fullproof and painless way to die is to either cut your carotid artery, you be dead in five second, no chance of survival. or inject air into your vains and you will die of a painless heart failure.
@ BrooklynGuy, sounds like you need to turn the dial a couple of notches and you’ll see things are definitely not greener anywhere else.
It’s your choice to accept what you’ve been given or blessed with. School in general is created to make University professors. Most highshool dropouts went on to success in some way. You can research them. Sounds like you need to reschool your thinking about things. My 26, was pretty good. Do you have the courage to look at yourself and understand or accept the fact that you/we create our own reality through our beliefs/thoughts/feelings.
I don’t get the sense you’ve really dug deep into what’s going on with you.
As far as attracting a mate…YOU need to cultivate all the traits you want to find in another before you will manifest it in your life. You start by loving yourself….with intent. It’s something that is hard for everyone.
Look at your childhood, and suss out if there’s anything you may want to look at or needs clearing cause it is indicates the person you are now…no judgment, just how it works. Just start doing some inner work with a postive outlook…I think you got it. Good luck! Cheers!
wow you mean all I have to do is love myself and good things will start happening? I never thought of that
(sorry, that was depressed sarcasm)
How does one love themselves if no one else does? That might be easy for some people, not me.
As far as the guy who had a wife, kid, and friend goes. Well that guy lost a lot but he also had a lot and knew what it felt like to love someone who loved him back. His friend, wife, and kit didn’t all choose that he was was someone they didn’t want anything to do with. They were taken from him tragically. And you know what? That’s a tragic story but I’d rather be in his position
Some counselors are good with getting what’s buried out of you. That’s why I suggested looking at how you were raised cause that’s the 1st place you should experience love…from your parents.
Brooklyn, I’m no shrink, and i don’t presume to know for sure what others think, however i have some thoughts about what softsoul said.
We truly are a product of our own minds. One guy looses a wife and child and praises “god” for giving him the time he had with them, the next puts a O buckshot to his head.
Not sure if you care, or if this means anything, but i’m here for the same reason. i’m 36. I’m having a hard time coping with my reality. (or, what i think is my reality)
The truth doesn’t reality matter to us, “our stories” doesn’t even have anything to do with it. What matters is how WE feel about OUR situation, and if we THINK we going to ever feel better.
If we set rules on what will and will not make us happy and then we look for it, we are left to the control of the world to provide us with that happiness. Ei, a man decides that he will only be happy with a 5’4 blonde with a PhD and an addiction to fishing. If there is no such woman (there is) then he has left his happiness in the worlds hands, rather than his own. This line of thinking makes us “not responsible” for what happens, and we can blame the world..”poor me” “its not my fault”..etc..
You may not think this is you, but basically, it is. You want a “love of a life time” (we all do) and you want a “true friend/s” (we all do), but right now, what are you thinking? And, what rules are you making in your mind, to get them? Your a self professed Suicidal person looking for support behind a key board. Is that “great lover” material? The friend you envision finding probably isn’t trolling the suicide forums for his new BFF.
I don’t say this to de-motivate you. I say it because it should have the exact OPPOSITE effect. You..sorry..WE need to quit bitching about not having what makes us happy and CHANGE SOMETHING.
How do we look at ourselves?
How do we talk to ourselves?
What do we do to stop trashing our lives and start finding things we can/should be proud of?
What do we feed or minds? Bad news or positive news?
Brooklyn.. Just from your original post i know a few of these things about you: (they may not be enough in your mind, but maybe we need to change the thinking in your mind then)..Anyway:
You can read.
You can write.
You can work a computer.
You can self evaluate. (Not that bad looking)
Your not bad looking.
You can converse with people.
you live in the USA!
you have a family.
you have a high school degree.
you have a college degree.
You can articulate your feelings.
you don’t “want” to die.
you can ask for attention. (we all need attention brooklyn)
I’m sure if i went back up and reread your post i could find several other things.
The point is, legs or no legs, wife or no wife, debt or no debt, we all have issues and we all want to be able to deal with them. We all want to be happy and not hurt. Changing your situation may help deal with it for now, but in the end you will have another issue to deal with… How you think about yourself and how you “think” about your life will decide if you need a shotgun or not. you and i say we have decided we don’t “want” to die…then FINE. How are we going to start making OURSELVES believe this? I think “dealing” with ourselves is a good start. (thank you softsoul)
The next time you think you want to die…go run around the block, as fast as you can. When you stop, put your hand on your chest and feel your heart. That’s your body fighting to live! Now we just need to work on the mind. Realize that and we have a fighting chance. Don’t we?