4 years ago I had (in my mind the perfect life). A beautiful wife of 18 years. both had great careers. 250,000 home in the country. boats, 4 wheelers, acreage, well you get the picture. I worshiped my wife and children from a previous marriage and had 2 grandson’s, one of which we were raising. My wife was my best friend (so she said daily). It all unraveled in a matter of months when I found out she was having an affair with my daughter’s drug dealing boyfriend. We never did drugs, led a healthy lifestyle, spent a lot of time together. My own daughter had known about the affair and had actually sided with my wife in keeping the matter from me. I found out when i discovered my wife was texting him 1500+ times a month for several months. I confronted her about the affair (this was not the first time), after-all we worked side by sided building careers and small businesses during our marriage. I trusted her implicitly, and this was my downfall. She quit a 60k a year job where she had been for 13 years. she could not take responsibility for her actions, (doing illegal drugs), destroying relationships with her stepchildren and most of all a 6 and 3 year old we treated as our own. She left town degenerate drug dealer in tow and went back down south to be coddled by her family and tell everyone how I physical abused her (not). To make a long story long, I was left to deal with foreclosures, re processions, lost my job as I was devastated and could not concentrate on my job in the financial industry. I am 54 now and have not seen my best friend since the divorce was finalized in 2009. despite the lies and narcissistic behavior during the divorce proceedings, I cannot get through a day without thinking about her and hate to go to sleep as she visits me many nights in my dreams.
The bottom line is I am 54 no one wants to hire me at my age. I am out of money living with my mom in a 45 year old trailer. (happy to be here instead living in my car or on the street/next step). Hope this is not interpreted as a pity party it’s more than that. I have no friends, my daughter has kept my grandson from me, I simply know thatÂ the best years of my life are over and just can’t seem to get a reason for living. i have worked for 35 years 1,2 and at times 3 jobs to support my family. I take responsibility for my mistakes but I just want off this merry-go-round called earth. I have been in sales all of my career and am simply exhausted with people. I have researched information from the book final exit and it’s that or a shotgun to the mouth. got to do it soon, everyday and night is like a thousand deaths. I want to get a full proof plan to end my life. I am no longer needed and have outlived my usefulness. It’s O.K. I have made my peace with it and appreciate the great times we all had together. I have the Helium canisters and am contemplating getting it over today. I tried 3 years ago to overdose on clonazapam but that plan was poorly planned and I got scared at the last minute, my adult children found me at a park and got me to the local e.r. and I enjoyed a lot of charcoal. I didn’t mean to write a book, believe it or not I left out things like being molested as a youngster, being mentally and physically abused by my father etc etc……
I hope I have not bored anyone nor wasted their time…….
Don’t really want to end it right now but it must be done to put me out of my misery. I can empathize with every message I have read and hope you all can find the strenghth to “feel the fear and do it anyway”