4 years ago I had (in my mind the perfect life). A beautiful wife of 18 years. both had great careers. 250,000 home in the country. boats, 4 wheelers, acreage, well you get the picture. I worshiped my wife and children from a previous marriage and had 2 grandson’s, one of which we were raising. My wife was my best friend (so she said daily). It all unraveled in a matter of months when I found out she was having an affair with my daughter’s drug dealing boyfriend. We never did drugs, led a healthy lifestyle, spent a lot of time together. My own daughter had known about the affair and had actually sided with my wife in keeping the matter from me. I found out when i discovered my wife was texting him 1500+ times a month for several months. I confronted her about the affair (this was not the first time), after-all we worked side by sided building careers and small businesses during our marriage. I trusted her implicitly, and this was my downfall. She quit a 60k a year job where she had been for 13 years. she could not take responsibility for her actions, (doing illegal drugs), destroying relationships with her stepchildren and most of all a 6 and 3 year old we treated as our own. She left town degenerate drug dealer in tow and went back down south to be coddled by her family and tell everyone how I physical abused her (not). To make a long story long, I was left to deal with foreclosures, re processions, lost my job as I was devastated and could not concentrate on my job in the financial industry. I am 54 now and have not seen my best friend since the divorce was finalized in 2009. despite the lies and narcissistic behavior during the divorce proceedings, I cannot get through a day without thinking about her and hate to go to sleep as she visits me many nights in my dreams.
The bottom line is I am 54 no one wants to hire me at my age. I am out of money living with my mom in a 45 year old trailer. (happy to be here instead living in my car or on the street/next step). Hope this is not interpreted as a pity party it’s more than that. I have no friends, my daughter has kept my grandson from me, I simply know that the best years of my life are over and just can’t seem to get a reason for living. i have worked for 35 years 1,2 and at times 3 jobs to support my family. I take responsibility for my mistakes but I just want off this merry-go-round called earth. I have been in sales all of my career and am simply exhausted with people. I have researched information from the book final exit and it’s that or a shotgun to the mouth. got to do it soon, everyday and night is like a thousand deaths. I want to get a full proof plan to end my life. I am no longer needed and have outlived my usefulness. It’s O.K. I have made my peace with it and appreciate the great times we all had together. I have the Helium canisters and am contemplating getting it over today. I tried 3 years ago to overdose on clonazapam but that plan was poorly planned and I got scared at the last minute, my adult children found me at a park and got me to the local e.r. and I enjoyed a lot of charcoal. I didn’t mean to write a book, believe it or not I left out things like being molested as a youngster, being mentally and physically abused by my father etc etc……
I hope I have not bored anyone nor wasted their time…….
Don’t really want to end it right now but it must be done to put me out of my misery. I can empathize with every message I have read and hope you all can find the strenghth to “feel the fear and do it anyway”
6 comments
Damn man thats pretty rough. You should be proud that you raised a family and be happy that you got to enjoy 18 years of great marriage, that is a lot more than most people get, count yourself lucky.
Are you completely sure that things won’t get any better?
I sat here trying to think of something to write, but I honestly don’t know what to say to you. I have no right at all to tell you not to do it, nor can I honestly berate you with “it gets better”, because I don’t know if it will.
You don’t have to appologize for telling your story. That’s something I do all the time, but please don’t. It’s important, even if you don’t think it is. It was important to me. If you’re still here… just know that, please.
If you do it, then I wish you all the luck in this next journey, and I’ll be happy you’re finally free of this emotional torment you feel. If you can’t, then please post back…
Sounds a bit like me, except, mine are physical problems. I am well (was) a highly in demand network engineer, I loved my job. Got hit with sinus infection, some MD ruined my life with Cipro, ever since I in agonizing pain, lost all my clients, soon will end up homeless without health insurance. Currently I manage with fentanyl, that stuff is 100 times stronger than morphine, and I am still in pain.
In case I wont have access to painkillers anymore, I am afraid I there will be one choice left…thinking of starving myself, or dehydrating..either way..I believe in God, but deep down this wasn’t God’s will. I had dreams goals not solely career wise but socially like helping children in need, I made enough money to set up projects to make this happen. Look what’s left of that? I stare most of the time at the roof of the pain, hyperventilating..Emotional pain is terrible, I have been there, but I don’t think you want to trade with me..(although I maybe shouldn’t compare)
P.S. One more thing. You often hear people saying committing suicide is the ultimate selfish act.
What about people who want to keep other people suffering, just because they ‘can’t miss them’. Isn’t that selfish? To me, that’s much worse.
That doesn’t apply to children though. I believe you have to stay alive for your children, since they are dependent on you. One wise choice I made in my life, was to not have children..
I swear people are creative when it comes to hurting others
reminder to self:
never allow yourself to implicitly trust someone .. never get married
Oh my god that sounds like pure hell. I know the feeling. I wish I could say that u should stick around because u seem like a very nice man. I struggle with the 4 abortions I had in my 20’s and no kids or partner at 41. On top of it I live on the fringes and a sex worker to get by. I’m really ashamed that I avoided doing the right thing most of my life and as a result my life is way harder now.