I Just Couldn’t do it

Today i felt would be a good day to plunge the knife into my heart, i have been in a dark place for so long dating well back into my childhood, years of countless bullying, failure attempts at trying to renew my life and the endless discust of what my mind has now become.

For a long time i blamed the world, i suppose truthfully deep down i still do, though as time has moved on and my 23rd birthday passed me by i slowerly stopped hating the world and instead just accepted maybe i was the broken one. I had lived with the idea of suicide for so long, a good 10 years dating well into my 14th year on this earth, but as i mentioned before i had been depressed going way back to my early childhood, growing up we didnt have much money and lived on a poor estate, being an only child and living with two parents who both worked i spent most of my time been shifted from childminder to childminder, many were cruel and emotionaly abused me, this left a lingering scar on me and my parents relationship, they were never horrible parents but they were never cut out for being good one in my honest opinion. They cared more for paying bills and sorting  out their own problems than they did for making sure i was a happy child.

Being overweight  i was often insulted and attacked on our estate and at school which dented my willingness to learn or be taught not that i didnt pretend i was listening, when i moved on to secondary school which was an all boys school it only got worse, the school was rough in comparison to many others, i got low scores for when it came to sitting the exams to get into a secondary school and this was only one that accepted me, i found myself turning into a bully of my own, attacking and insulting kids weaker than i was all the while i was having the exact same done to me. It wasnt until my 5th and final year at secondary school that relised what i had done and i swore i would never bully another person again, this however made others see me as weak.

Things did pick up before i left, teenage boys grow up and dont become as accustomed to bullying anymore, however it wasnt until i left school i relised just how warped my mind had become, i wont get into a long detail but my thoughts were drifting down some very nasty places, what i wasnt sure of  was were these dark twisted evil thoughts due to my shakey upbrining or due to a normal mental condition i was born with or pehaps both, regardless to the reason it was there and it wasnt something i could escape from or be rid of, i simply had to live with it. I left school at 17 and promised to myself to change my lot in life, i would not let this corrupted mind stop me, i would fix it and for awhile i did.

At 19 i lost the weight, i got two jobs, i got an attractive girlfriend something i never thought would happen, for about a whole year i did not once think of suicide, but all good things come to an end or atleast they seem to in my case, she broke my heart, the details arnt important but the whole affair cracked me inside and the scars have forever left someform of dent in me which hasnt only hardned my mood and made me less than trusting with people,  i quickly found myself putting the weight back on and one of my jobs fell through leaving me with just the one, for 3 years i continued to work, in fact i did little else in that time, i didnt work out anymore, i didnt seek a new girlfriend, i rarely went out with friends to drink or go to gigs, the truth was i had no intrest in doing it,  i just lived to work which depressed me further, i despised my job and wished everyday i could leave it and just escape the country and start a new life, somewhere peaceful, with lots of green and meadows, a fantasy dream really.

Eventually i did lose that job, but the dream never lives up to how you want it to be. At 21 i snapped while walking around my local park i couldnt bare the idea of continuing this excistance in the state i was in, i text a good friend goodbye and sat by the lake i had decided to throw myself in front of train, i backed down when i reliased what that would do to the driver, my friends found me there and talked me into seeing a mental health specialist though things were never the same between me and friends after, i think they just finally saw i wasnt all that stable and couldnt bare going though it all, my parents didnt seem to take what i was going through seriously and simply shrugged it off. Upon meeting the specialist he showed little intrest in my situation, true i didnt open up to him all that well but i had no desire to do so, i had never met this man afterall, he wanted me to sign a form allowing him the right to dig through my medical files and speak to family and friends, i rejected it, i wasnt going to allow him drag people around me into my mess, i never went back.

For 2 and half years now ive been jobless, i never went to uni or college since i couldnt afford it and my parents felt it was waste of time mostly because i couldnt never deicde what i wanted to do and because my father strongly believed i was too old now to go to uni so no company or firm wanted to take me on, i signed up for Job Seekers Allowance which i stuck to for a year hoping to find something, its funny thing the job centre when you first join they are plesant enough but if you get stuck with them for too long without finding work they start to look at you as scum or a leech on society, giving you the lowest paid work they can find, after an argument with the woman that was my carreer advisor (and i use the term losley) i turned my back on the job centre believing there had to be something better than being talked to like dirt. This past year ive spent myself stuck at home, helplessly resigned to being stuck living with my parents, loveless, jobless, moneyless, ambitionless and contantly battling the twisted thoughts in my head, today i had had enough.

Both my parents were at work and the usual debt collectors were ringing about outstanding late bills, and i just ignored the calls and thought to myself why do i keep trying to fix myself? i know for a fact even if everything went right for me from this point on it will never fix how warped my minds turned and it will never drown out my past, and without a past how could i hope for future. I made sure to lock up the back door and write a half assed suicide letter for my folks to find, to be honest i didnt feel any desire to write it but its bad manners to leave this world without atleast some sort of explanation. I shut my bedroom door and placed the letter on the side table, removing my shirt i drew out a knife from under my bed, i had always been facinated without swords, daggers and knives and have formed a rather nice collection. I picked my favorite and shut the blinds, i looked through my C.D list and had a dispute in my head if i should play some Pantera or Johnny Cash to go meet the peaceful darkness that awaits, i choose Johnny Cash. I place the tip of the knife on my chest and bury it a little into my flesh, the sharp pain rushes up me, i was unsure as to what the best postion would be for plunging the blade into my heart would be and try diffrent positions, from laying down on the bed, to sitting on the side of the bed or standing up, i argue with the choice for a good half hour before deciding standing would give me the most momentom for thrusting the knife inwards, i begin to brace myself and thinking back through life, a part of me trys to find a happy memory, wheither it be from my childhood, my teens or my young adult life, i couldnt find any. I wondered if i couldnt find any because all the bad ones had clouded my memory or because i just didnt have any to begin with.

I tensed my muscles and shut my eyes and faced up to ceiling all the time thinking “Everyone dies, im just speeding it along, just count to 3 and do it” i repeated this in my head many times before i started to push, but i stopped before the skin was peirced too deeply, i sat down on the bed and tried again but same problem, i began to grow frustrated, annoyed i couldnt even be brave enough to do the one thing that would bring me peace, do the one thing i have been hoping for so long. I kept trying, i told my self “Just dont think about it, just do it”, everytime i felt i was going to do it, something stopped me, i began wondering all the stupid things “What if i miss my heart, what if i dont kill myself i dont want to end up in one of those hospitals listening to some man in a white jacket pretend he understands what im going through” and then came the religious babble “What if the bible is right, what if i will burn in hell from killing myself, could i take the fires?”, i have never been a religious man, in fact i often despise all things to do with religioun, despite that ive always considered myself atleast a little spirtual maybe because i hoped for something more there had to be reason for all this, surely i hadnt turned how i was because of bad luck? I kept reassuring myself “Ofcourse its not a sin, its your life your choice, if you dont do this the darkness will just keep growing, how long will you last before you snap and cause harm to someone else? sometimes the bravest thing someone can do is end their life to protect others, yes your family will be sad but they will move on, life always moves on, you will eventually be forgotten just like everyone else will be” I continued to argue with myself for the next two hours, growing more angry with myself each time, i began placing the knife on the bed and lighting up another cigarette and trying to keep my mind on track with ending my life, i must of reset the cd track 4 times, talking out loud i began to growl at myself “stop being a coward, your being selfish, would you really risk other people becoming in danger, innocent people just because you dont have the balls to do what needs to be done” i felt the tears forming at the corners of my eyes and pulled the knife away from my chest, i began talking to myself in a half delirious state and laughing that i wasnt even brave enough to kill myself, what a failure as a person i was.

For another hour i just sat there and dwelled on how pathetic i am, i finally put my shirt on and open my door, tucking the suicide letter into my sock draw and hiding the knife back under my bed, i laid on my bed for awhile and just laughed at the sheer hopeless situation ive dug myself in “at best” i thought to myself “i will drift through life empty maybe become one of those tramps you see roaming the corner of towns or cities picking my way through the rubbish and being ignored by everyone that passes me by or at worst i will one day snap and do something that will forever stain me and my family name”, i then hear the door key turning and hear my mother wander into the house and talking to the cats, she calls up to me and i walk down and ask her as i usualy do “Want a coffee?” which she always agrees to, i smiled to myself at how easily the world continues on and how close it came to having one less person and how little the world reacted to it. I suppose this isnt a story about how i saw the light and decided how wrong suicide is, nor is it a tale about how there seems to be an end in sight or even that maybe i wont try it again. Its my attempt at saying all the planning in the world, all the jumped up hopes and dreams you have of what will come after you do it dousnt match up when you have to take that final plunge, maybe you will go to heaven and hell, maybe you will be reincarnated, maybe you will rejoin the universe, maybe you will simply cease to be, maybe you will be trapped in darkness, blind, deaf, mute with only your memorys to keep you company, what ever your beliefs of the after life are, theres no easy way to know and i guess deep maybe i do still cling to some meager hope one day i will be free of this curse of the mind or maybe i am indeed just a coward who bottled out.