who am i today???? can i survive??? :/

I cant explain why I feel the way I feel. I want to cry all the time. I make excuses when I’m up past midnight. I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. I hide behind a pained smile. It fools everyone around me but they can’t truly see what I feel on the inside. I’m a good student but it doesn’t make a difference. I have no idea how to deal with the emotional turmoil that I encounter. I’ll cry a hundred times over but still nothing ever seems to change. a brand new pack of cigarettes two gone after each hour. It burns a hole in my pocket to be spending the money on them but to me they are worth it. If I cant kill myself fast I may as well do it slowly over the course of time where I can still experience the hardships and pain that so many like myself have to deal with.

I sit close by and watch as my friends go about things as usual,  I here the screaching of tires I hear the sound of someone screaming. I look around and i see my friend kneeling over the body of someone who is dear to him. Later i find that it’s his father, been hit by a car. He sobs as if he’s lost his best friend. Later he tells me that he felt like he had been shot it the face.  He looks at me in the eye and asks me who I am today…..

I dont look at him i don’t answer him… i sulk away to for news of his father….. later as I’m sitting by myself i think who am I today…. Am I Aubrey brave and smart, kickass and fun to be around or am I Trinity bitchy, moody, depressed, ass kickin’, smoking and drinking party girl or am I Lizzabeth, the girl that was born to her parents that is so ‘perfect’ in her parents eyes, the girl that never gets in trouble, the one who steels cigs. from her moms purse, I keep pondering this thought but an answer doesn’t seem to want to be known.

He walks up to me and says I know who you are today, and you can’t hide behind Aubrey, or Trinity, or even ‘Lizzabeth, you are my girl, you are Ashlee. I want you to know that i don’t care if you’re Trinity, Aubrey, Lizzabeth, or Ashlee I will always love you.

These words sting in my ears, i look at him and tears roll down my eyes. What can I say to that? I get up and run off, i know he is going to try and follow but I’m out the door in a heart beat. I start to walk, later on the news they say that everyone is looking for a young lady 18 y/o, brown hair, brown eyes, about 5’1. Has anyone seen her. Ya i have. I just saw her jump off a bridge into the raging river. Atleast in my mind that is what i see myself doing. I climb over the bridge rail guard, its slippery and cold and wet, its raining. I hear tires screeching to a hault. I turn my head ever so slightly, and i see him,, the one who loves me. I stand there i dont hold on anymore, but just stand there, i hear him screaming something but then everything goes black as i slide off the side and down to the dark mad raging angry river that calls my name, and then its over. I wake up in the hospital, i look around and see that soft light brown haired guy sitting next to my  bed, he’s asleep, i try to move but i cant, a single sound escapes from my lips, he looks up suddenly. I see the pain in his eyes.

he says a single sentence and this time i can’t run from him but only except it that he does want to help me not hurt me and betray me like so many before him. I l0ok at him and he holds me until i’m out again.

* This is something that i needed to let out, i feel all this and this is what i want to do. I want to jump off a bridge and never see the light of day agian. i’m tired of the heart ache, and i seriously don’t want to live through anymore of the grief or pain that i put up with everyday. – Ashlee