i am absolutely fed up with my family. I feel like screaming and crying. I want to pound my fists on something. I wish i knew where my box knife was. I would put myself in the hospital right now. I dont have enough meds. My knife is missing and the whole world is against me. The man i love is MIA. I dint know what to do. I just want to completely give up. Just thinking about it makes my head spin and now im getting a headache. The last time i cut i was so pissed off and irrate i didnt feel it. AndÂ now im ready to do it again, Everyone i ever loved let me down, no i let them down. I always felll my family. I can never be the perffect daughter they want me to be. I always screw up every fucking thing. I just want to die and disappear for good then everyone will be happy and i’ll be one less person to worry about.
its been a couple of months since i last wrote something, i wish i could say im better but i am worse. i went on a two week vacation in july. .I had a great time, i met a guy, i fell in love with him, but i cant be with him. im back home with my mom and stepdad. The first week back was hell, everytime i turned around i was being bitched at for no reason. I finally got fed up, i took the box knife that was just sitting there out in the open the blade was glinting in the light,i took it and i cut ym arm for the first time in 3 months, i think. i didnt feel it, i kept going. then i stopped and went to sleep. the next morning i woke up and didnt notic ehte cuts and went about like it was a normal day. I went to the store and went aboutmy business. i ran into an old friend, and he asked me what the hell i did to myself. I told him, I was depressed (still am), i didnt know what else to do, i was tired of holding my anger in and tired of being treated like shit. I miss mike so much, he is the greatest guy ive ever been with, but i cant be with him because he lives a thousand miles away, i was to a point where i was ready to pack up my shit and leave. Not look back and just go. but i didnt im too scared. I 18 fricking years old and my parents still treat me like a kid. I lashed out and got another tattoo. all that got me was a stern talking to and how much did itÂ cost. Mike tried to kill himself the second night i was gone, i didnt know what to do. turns out he got rid of the gun and now we barely talk. I miss him more thani care to admit but its how it is. My cousin who lives near him says she sees the difference in his actions from whne i was there to now that im not. How am i suppose to act when i cant be with someone that makes me so happy and not depressed but im stuck in this hell whole i am supposed to call my life that im happy wiht. But im not happy. I hate it hear. Im sad to say that i really want out. while i was there i went through 2 packs of cigerrettes, since i got bakc ive gone through 4 and ive only been back just over a week. thats fucked up but thats life. im fed up and im redy to go whether its to where mike is or if its to hell, im ready to go.
I hate my life!!!! let the world fucking end i’d be so happy. Then I would be better off. Im tired of bulshit. Im tired of everything. I turn 18 the day the world ends. Im estatic. Cant ya tell.
I want to sleep a deep sleep and never wake up. Im so depressed and i refuse to take my medicine.
well can i??
My boyfriend tried to kill himself last week. he stuck his hand through a glass window. He called me and left a voicemail. I was so scared. so Well who would guess. I wanted to die too. I started cutting, and when i got to school i went to the bathroom and cut some more. When i got home he called me and said that the bleeding had stopped and that he was still alive. I cried with releif. But i was still scared and i told him that i was scared and that i couldnt function right because of him. He told me he loved me and then we talked about why he was depressed and why im depressed. A semi simple explanation for me is I stopped taking my medicine wihtout my doctors permission. I dont care. so im not taking it and imreally stressed out. But it felt good to answer the call of my beautiful knife and its blade. what a releif… but still it doesnt help as much.
i guess i stressed myself out so bad that i made myself puke today in class. not fun. i started to do some really bad things this weekend. I told my bf that i’d quit but its hard to quit something like what im doing. it makes me feel great. what to do about stress? about addiction? help????!!!!!
ya i know its been awhile…. well i’m no better off than i was the last time i was on here.
The only good thing i haven’t killed myself. I havent been eating or taking my meds. My mom thinks I’m going to go mental. My boyfriend well he isn’t exactly in the loop. I hide it from him. It hurts so much not to tell him that im depressed. Idk what to do? Advice? I dont want to lose him but i dont want him to know that im depressed and that everytime he asks me whats wrong i always put up a frontÂ and i say nothings wrong. We both know its a lie… but i dont know what to do…. 🙁
spent saturday in the E.R. only to be diagnosed with fucking Bells Palsy. It’s tough and i hate it.The Doctor put meÂ on a steroid and an antibiotic that makes me feel like shit….. I feel like im going to puke and its hard enough to concentrate in class whenÂ I just feel like screaming and running out of the building until I pass out. Â I hate hospitals and doctors. I never recieve any good news from them its always the bad stuff “your uncle may not live”, “your baby brother died, the dr. fucked up”, ” the didn’t fix his hip only for a short time, he’s still in pain”, “i’m sorry but there was nothing we could do, she didn’t make it” all the same bullshit….its very rare that you will ever hear “He is okay, and expected to make a full recovery”, or “He’s doing great, and they fixed his hip, he’s gonna be okay”, or “we got to her in time and we fixed her right up, a full recovery is expected”…… why is that this is so rare….. a load of shit….. I just don’t like doctors…. i dont trudt them either….
Today I asked myself who I am today?
Today I do not know who I am today…
Things are just no t working out in my world today…
I am definetly not myself today…. wishin’ I had some novacaine…..
My right side of my face is numb…. now a headache arises and causes more pain..
Let it all end and let me movve on in a sweet way that i may rest peacedefully but not in sleep but in death……
That I may actually enjoy…… Yes I admit I am Scared…….Of what you may ask…..
Honestly I cannot explain it but I am scared, and scarred as well……
Take the pain away and let me fly away into the sky..
Just let me dissapear without a second…
I dont ever want to think about it again..
I cant explain why I feel the way I feel. I want to cry all the time. I make excuses when I’m up past midnight. I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. I hide behind a pained smile. It fools everyone around me but they can’t truly see whatÂ I feel on the inside. I’m a good student but it doesn’t make a difference. I have no idea how to deal with the emotional turmoil that I encounter. I’ll cry a hundred times over but still nothing ever seems to change. a brand new pack of cigarettes two gone after each hour. It burns a hole in my pocket to be spending the money on them but to me they are worth it. If I cant kill myself fast I may as well do it slowly over the course of time where I can still experience the hardships and pain that so many like myself have to deal with.
I sit close by and watch as my friends go about things as usual,Â I here the screaching of tires I hear the sound of someone screaming. I look around and i see my friend kneeling over the body of someone who is dear to him. Later i find that it’s his father, been hit by a car. He sobs as if he’s lost his best friend. Later he tells me that he felt like he had been shot it the face.Â He looks at me in the eye and asks me who I am today…..
I dont look at him i don’t answer him… i sulk away to for news of his father….. later as I’m sitting by myself i think who am I today…. Am I Aubrey brave and smart, kickass and fun to be around or am I Trinity bitchy, moody, depressed, ass kickin’, smoking and drinking party girl or am I Lizzabeth, the girl that was born to her parents that is so ‘perfect’ in her parents eyes, the girl that never gets in trouble, the one who steels cigs. from her moms purse, I keep pondering this thought but an answer doesn’t seem to want to be known.
He walks up to me and says I know who you are today, and you can’t hide behind Aubrey, or Trinity, or even ‘Lizzabeth, you are my girl, you are Ashlee. I want you to know that i don’t care if you’re Trinity, Aubrey, Lizzabeth, or Ashlee I will always love you.
These words sting in my ears, i look at him and tears roll down my eyes. What can I say to that? I get up and run off, i know he is going to try and follow but I’m out the door in a heart beat. I start to walk, later on the news they say that everyone is looking for a young lady 18 y/o, brown hair, brown eyes, about 5’1. Has anyone seen her. Ya i have. I just saw her jump off a bridge into the raging river. Atleast in my mind that is what i see myself doing. I climb over the bridge rail guard, its slippery and cold and wet, its raining. I hear tires screeching to a hault. I turn my head ever so slightly, and i see him,, the one who loves me. I stand there i dont hold on anymore, but just stand there, i hear him screaming something but then everything goes black as i slide off the side and down to the dark mad raging angry river that calls my name, and then its over. I wake up in the hospital, i look around and see that soft light brown haired guy sitting next to myÂ bed, he’s asleep, i try to move but i cant, a single sound escapes from my lips, he looks up suddenly. I see the pain in his eyes.
he says a single sentence and this time i can’t run from him but only except it that he does want to help me not hurt me and betray me like so many before him. I l0ok at him and he holds me until i’m out again.
* This is something that i needed to let out, i feel all this and this is what i want to do. I want to jump off a bridge and never see the light of day agian. i’m tired of the heart ache, and i seriously don’t want to live through anymore of the grief or pain that i put up with everyday. – Ashlee
I was reading a book and then all of a sudden i get the sudden urge to cut, scream, get stupid, and do more drugs. i want to get high and live life….. i think…. i want to die…… i want to get drunk ….. i want to do all of these things just because of a fucking book. i dont know what to do!!! i wanna cut, drink, smoke, snort, smoke weed. i want to pop more pills and keep going until i can’t anymore. i want to do it all and then just DIE!!!! its like a rush that i can’t help that i cant stop……… sincerely that finally rush before it all ends…….
SOS pads. thats where the cuts on my arm came from….. wow those work wonders??? i can clean my skin and cut too!!! yay…… im so depressed…… even with my meds in my system im still depressed. but i looked it up and it says a side effect would be suicidal thoughts. so i guess thats why. my meds are suppose to help. bu thtey dont to my parents things have gotten better but if they really knew they would know things are slowly plummiting. but for now let them think hte cat scratched me. I hate my mood swings and i hate feeling so depressed. im sitting in class supposed to be working on fuckin layout. i have my knife with me.maybe ill go to the bathroom and things will work out on their own. i doubt it but i can try. it may not be the right thing to some but for me it’ll work wonders. prolly pop some pills tooo. i just cant stand this anymore………………………………………………….
Can I die? Do I have to keep living in this darkened hell we call earth? Everywhere there is suffering? They suffer unwillingly. I willingly want to suffer. I want to die. I want to be in pain. It’d be another reason to take the pills I long to take bu to no avail. this pisses me offf. I don’t understand why I have to sit here and put up with everyones bullshit,Â I pretend to be someone I sure the hell am not. I’m not a happy fun person. I’m an antisocial lette. (If you don’t know what that is…look it up) I hate everyday i have to live. i don’t like putting on a fake smile so people will think I’m happy. Pretending to be a nice responsible respectful young lady. But I’m not. I’m a *****. I’m not nice. I don’t like to be around people. I hate going to school. I just want it all to end so I don’t have to look back and I don’t have to feel any regret.
Please just let me be. …….so I can die…. never look back ……never deal with stupid drama again………. being stabbed in the back by those i trusted……….i give up completely………..
So i thought things would be so much better after all that crap from last week but its gotten a bit worse. this morning i woke up with scratches on my arms and i have no idea where they came from. and everything is all just going to hell for me. Everything is just the same as it was last week. i really dont kow anymore.
stupid ***** from school wsa talking about me in front of me to her friends in my english class. i wasnt doing anything but minding my own business. i was so pissed and my mom came into my school today to talk to my administrator. i feel like crying im so pissed off and im shaking i mean ya i took my meds but im still pissed off. Yesterday when i was waitng fo rmy bus she started cussing at me because her brother was served with papers. Im so fed up i feel ike crying and im ready to go home. i feel like im going to pass out from my anger being so bad right now. my ears hurt too. im gonna cry wheni get home and probably sleep on my bus.
so now that title says alot well heres some more. i cant take it anymore. i was so pissed off last night that i didnt even eat dinner, im starting to skip meals and all kinds of stuff ya my parents are worried about me big deal. i wish i had a way out. im ready to give up.
anyone know what to do??? ugh:(
he was the one guy i could talk to, the one guy i felt safe with. I can’t stand the t hought of him being with someone else. Things just seem to spinÂ out of control when his name shows up on my caller i.d. or a text message. He held me when i was upset and now i have no one. i don’t feel safe not even in my own home let alone in my own mind. i have bruises everywhere andscars on my wrists. he doesn’t know about themÂ atleast i dont think he does. if he does he hasnt said so. i cant take it anymore, why bother when i have no one.Â i honestly just want to sit down and cry or go to a party and drinkÂ until i pass out and just hope that i never wake up. and if i do that things may actually be better. allÂ these pills iÂ haveÂ i could overdose easy. i ask myself every time i think about him. is he worth my life or attempting to take my life. Im depressedÂ all the time. my dad doesnt understand, and all my friends think its about sex and it comes nothing close to being about sex. To me its about feeling safe and secure and feeling like someone does care. Granted he wasn’tÂ my first kissÂ but he was the first guy thatÂ actually treated me decently.Â Sometimes i miss him so much more than i think i would miss my own life. i dont have much going for me.Â Ya i graduate in two months i turn 18 in two months and start college in october, yay i getÂ to study being a pastry chef. whoo. i dont care.whats to live for if i cant share it with anyone.Â He was the oneÂ person that i got to talk to wheni was upset or just needed someone to talk to. i’ve been cheated on, beat, andÂ bulliedÂ by exboyfriends since 6th gradeÂ and he was the one that didnt do any of those things he was the one that showed he genuinely cared about me. but now im just readyÂ to give up all hope of ever being happy again. is he worth itÂ though thats theÂ only thingÂ that keeps stopping me from either doing what is best for me or what may be a huge mistake on my part. i just dont know anymore.
so last night i busted up my hand with a hammer, by accident. i was trying to open a can of paint, because i couldnt find a screw driver.then i fell and twisted my damn ankle, and even more so im ready to put my uncle in the hospital, i have so many bruises from fighting wiht him, and last night he smacked my arm with a level, he said he didnt smack me that hard well ya he did, i have a welt. yes i am extremely pissed off. and to top it all off, i barely got any sleep last night and i still havent taken my meds fo rthe day.
I finally realized I’m not the only who feels like their life is a living hell. And i also realized that i’m not the only one who wants to just disapear off the face of the earth. Sometimes i feel like taking some alcoholic beverage from my parents room and just drinking until i pass out. This sounds like so much fun to me. but so does taking 3 motrin 800mg and then passing out until two days later. Now i feel like breaking down, i wish i had a shoulder to cry or a guy to hold me tightly in his arms while my body shudders from the cold and the tears that run down my cheeks. All these ways i know how to harm my body, but im so emotionally fucked up I just dont kno whow to deal with it anymore, im tired of putting on a smile when i go to school so no one will ask questions and i can be depressed and sad inside and when i’m at home and alone. hiding in my room for hours listening to music fighting the urge to breakdown and take out the knife by which i’ve used so mant times before.Â I just want to run away until i cant move anymore, but just once i wish i had someone to hold me in their arms while i cry and just lose myself long enough for the self hate i feel to leave my body.
i just really have no idea what to do anymore.
It means exactly what it says. I woke up to thunder and lightening today. i am so paranoid, and i have a headache. ugh this sucks. Someone actually asked me if i was pskitzophrenic or something. I mean i took my meds, but im still phsycho. And its suppose to rain all week, i hate it this means more ibprofun inmy system because of headaches. ugh. oh and i started excercising, i went for a jog yesterday. see what i mean about being paranoid im also very easily distracted. ugh.