Suicide and god

I have been planning suicide for around 20-years now. My first though was drowning, but it was very difficult do to me living mostly in urban enviorments. It never really worked out. Today it is still a possibility in a river in a close by town. Still very difficult to do and not have someone “rescue” me.

The second suicicde project i had was electrifying myself. This is theoreticly possible. I have some basic knowledge in doing electric works. I know how to lead the current of around 230-volts from heart to heart. I know how to do it, but the chance of it succeeding is small. I could severely damage my heart, brains and internal organs, but to actually stopt the heart…yes, it is possible. I would simply be executing myself for crimes i have never comited. Indeed i would execute myself of crimes done to myself.

But technicly electrecution is possible. There is no quarentee that the heart will stop at 230-volts. Some studies have been made, and theoreticly it is possible, but there has been just as many cases of people who didnt die, as there have been cases of people who did die as a result. I consider electric execution still a possebelity.

Then i heared about the Helium hood method when this lad died.

It is frightening and scary, the more i hear how easily he pulled it off. Im now in a process of buying all the  necessary materials(flow regulator, the suicide hood and pressure meter to see if the tank is really full)

The first time in 30-years in am staring death straight in the face. I have maybe done it before with electric execution, but never like this!

As for my backround story…all the things i am ready to say is, that i was sexually and physicly abused as a child. It goes actually even furder then that. I was a wictom of baby trade, but am not willing to go any furder.

I am now in the process of setting up evetything, tough getting all the parts for the “set” is going to be quite expensive.

There maybe some people who say, that as long as im in good health and economicly well off, i shoulnd’t be doing this, and probobly they are right. I cannot go into full detail to all the things that happened in my chilchood. I was basicly sold away and sexually abused. Betrayed by my country of birth, abandoned, and later abused. It totally destroyed my life!

I know people have comited suicide for a lot less!

There are some who have said that i would have died without the adoption, as there was a civil war and great starvation going on in my country of birth at the time. Yet i cannot understand, why wasn’t i allowed my birthright? To die in my own country? Why did they deny me this right, and claim it was “christian charity” And why did my home country sell me away?

Im not here asking about the helium hood method. I have now more then enough information actually.

I have prayed to god. I believe that god himself gave me this as a opportunity. But now i have only been given the choice to exit this world. It will be my job to decide wheter or not to use it, and i agree that those are pretty good terms i can “live with”

I am afraid of this all failing and waking up 10-hours later with headache and brain damage. But this is the bets option yet!

Have you prayed to god before you have attempted suicide?

I  feel frightened, but not just about dying, since i died deep inside a long time ago. I feel frightened of the idea, that maybe it was all for this moment. That i would die peacefully and leave a letter behind telling about my experiences. That it had all been for this very moment! People have from time and time again encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. Ofcourse i cannot write a book, since the people who bought and abused me are still alive. I would be sued if i would write a book about evetything they did to me. For me to write a book, 1 of us would have to be dead!

It is horrifying to think, that these people have actually children of there own. If i write a suicide letter revealing everything, there children and grandchildren will also hear about it. I will destroy not just a family, but rather families!

I have aranged things so that the people who will come looking for me will see the letter. They will be mostly people living in the same building with me and not my “parents” but what happens after that, it’s a scary thought.

For 20-years i sought vengeance at all cost for what they did to me, but could never carry it out. After being abused they dumped me into different kinds of institutions. By the time i got out i was messed up, and just randomly wondered around from school to school and from relationship to relationship.

Now it could all be over!

I feel it is my destiny to expose the fraud and evil behind this so called “christian charity” of international adoption. Yet i also wonder, is this all gods will? If these people end up comiting suicide as a result of my letter, will it then he a short of a “game over” for everthing?

Now that im 30, and evetything is all set up, i cannot comprehend, how it has gotten to this? Didn’t they understand that what they did to me would almost automaticly lead to this? That one way or another i would find a way out and leave a letter revealing everything they did to me?  How did they ever think they were going to get away with all of this?

Babytrade is such a horrible thing, and still goes on in many countries today!

I feel, that if i die now, i will leave a shocking memmory, that will FORCE people around me to finally listen to what i have to say! Kind of funny, since i really dont feel like wanting to hurt anybody. I also feel sad, that it had to come to this, that there wasnt another way. That no one listened to when i screamed for help, so now, 20-years later they will surdenly listen, wheter they want to or not! I cannot understand, why would someone be such a fool as to think that they would  actually get away with such a crime?

Am i afraid of death?

In all honesty;no! Im not afraid of dying, only the process of dying, and that something might go wrong. I feel i am dying for a righteous cause. No children should ever be traded and abuses like cattle. But i cannot understand why it had to be like this? Why didnt people listen to me when i was alive? Why did it had to come to this?

Do you feel that god approves some suicides over others? Do you think there could ever be a situation where god might approves suicides?