Broken Heart shattered soul

I’ve been datin this girl since 6 yrs v had a fallout a few months back because of this other guy but somehow i prayed n wished a lot tat she comes back to me n the other guy had patched up wid his old girlfriend n i’m still not sure if tats the reason my girl got back wid me tat time.. but she did n i was more thn happy to take her back i kno i cudn’t be a bigger moron.. But i believed in her u see v have practically grown up together v’r best friends n v had decide to get married in the future so i had to face a lot of turmoil to get her back it was hellish n i had been vry suicidal but somehow i held on n it worked out, i face a lot of academic stress too n i work hard solely for the purpose to make a good life for her coz i’m vry simple n i don need much in life but i needed her vry badly coz she had always been n emotional anchor for me so inspite of her betrayin me i had to take her back but i knew i wudn’t be able to face this situation again, so this is my background.
As u might have guessed its happened again n its too hard to hold on my heart aches i’m vry stressed my head feels heavy i jus wanna sleep i had been vry idealistic n i now realise tat it might’ve been a big lie , tat ppl don actually care abt u they always think abt themselves she tells me “can i think abt myself for once” but she’s always put herself first n i thinkin tat sacrifices are necessary didnt mind but she broke me again for tat asshole hu jus broke up wid his x.. N i’m not underconfident tat i mite not get a new girl but some1 so special to me whom i’d not regret puttin my life on the line can do this to me tat too twice… I’ve lost faith in god i’ve lost faith in my principles n i only believe tat life is only unfair to good idealistic ppl as i’ve seen the same has happened to my mom.. but as the days pass the pain becomes worse n i keep feelin the need to die i’m gonna hurt a lot of ppl if i do but i cant take this again i kno after death nothing matters i hope i die in my sleep evry nite just wish tat this aching geard wud stop beatin n i keep visualizing all scenarios possible to die plz i need some swift way to end it pain is no longer a factor….