well I have a huge situation now. the 2 people that saw my scars, I told them I was ready to tell my parents, even though I’m totally freaked out about what they’ll say. I can’t go back now, its too late. my dad is expecting a ‘meeting’ with all of us, that’s when I have to tell about my arm(no one knows about my scars except the 2 people).
I made a huge mistake. I have realized that I don’t want anyone to know about my scars. my parents will stop me from cutting. I will never be able to cut again. But now I like cutting. I love it. it’s my drug. my escape from the world, when that sharp blade of the knife tears into my skin. as the cold, dark blood slowly runs down my arm, into my hand, dripping from my fingers. when I bleed it takes away my mental agony, and it feels so good. I dont want to be happy. I dont want to be saved. I want to cry and bleed for hours. I want someone to hold me as I cry and never let go. since I have concluded that will never happen, I will always be lonely. I love being morose now. if I don’t get rid of my life, this is how I will always be. no one will ever save me.
my heart is gone along with my soul.
3 comments
You say you don’t want to be happy but I see that you’re still hoping for someone to show you kindness and love. The only person most important to give you all of that is yourself. You need to love yourself first.
I have been where you are. My parents found out about my cutting when I was 10. Now I’m 27. And I have lived in a world of self hatred ever since. It didn’t stop me from cutting. Nothing has. I know how good it makes you feel. I have scars on my arm as well as my leg. I have tattoos on my leg that cover them but I’m oddly proud of them. I don’t want to say stop cutting or keep going. It is your decision. But don’t fear your parents. If you do continue after they know, my advice is go back to hiding it.
yeah, I don’t know. @umbra artist, you’re right. I do want love, and companionship. but i hate myself, I hate everything about me. I know I’m pretty and have a good family, but for other reasons, I’m stupid and ugly and I don’t deserve love.
@jumper731, my scars will probably never go away since I keep cutting over the same places, and yeah Im really proud of my scars, too.