My story..

hey, ive been viewing this website for quite awhile now. reading everyones stories and thinking about what theyve been through. how theyve felt. and what drove them to consider suicide. i wll try to tell you my story and how i got here. its going to be a long one so brace yourself..my classmate gave me her number and i didnt text her till mabye a month later. i was so bored and i started looking through the contacts. curious, i texted her. at first it as akward becuz we didnt know eachother. but after a few deays we became friends. over a longer period of time i thought of her as my sister. she thought of me as her brother. we started texting eachother every chance we got, even called eachother and talked for hours. then came the time. it was inevitable i guess. i fell in love with her. i didnt know it at the time. i thought i just liked her but it turned out to be far greater than just a simple crush. i told her and she said she didnt like me back. i expected that and wasnt so surprised. she said that she liked one of my classmates. this person who she liked, which i now hate with a passion, soon became her boyfriend. i was devastated. she started texting me less and less. i was being replaced. i hadnt realized it yet, but whatever i told her, what i felt for her the questions i asked her, about why she liked him and not me, she told him everything. then he confronted me about it. there was a big fight and she was caught in the middle. i was brought to tears. i dont know why i was so scared of him. i can easily destroy him but i was younger back then so… i had enoguh i told her im not going to talk to her and that shes not my sis. it was months before i talked to her. when i did talk to her, i felt obligated to give her another chance. i told her the rules, we can tell eachother anything, we cant have another brother or sister besides eachother, and no more ignoring eachother. these rules were eventually broken. not by me, but her. we tried to rebuild our friendship. get closer to eachother. she said she wouldnt mess it up this time. she told me to beLIEve her.  she lied. i then realized that i loved her. i told her that and she denied it. i told her that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. marry her. have a family. i would die the most terrible and painful death for her. and then she told i will never be with her. my body went numb. then i decided that if i will never be with her, i have no point in living anymore. i told her i was going to kill myself. i told her how i planned to do it. and believe me, i had many different ways to do it. she was shocked. and didnt talk to me for awhile. i wondered what was going on. then i found out what happened. my mother came to me, teary-eyed, and asked me if i had told a girl that i was going to kill myself. then it hit me. she told. but how did the word get to my mom? i denied it and lied to my mom telling her i didnt remember. then she called me. i asked her how she told my mom and she told me that her mo took her phone. read the texts i sent her, and asked her if i told her i was going to kill myself. she said yes, her mom told her counselor. her counselor asked her. she said, withtout caring about what would happen to me, said yes. counselor called my school got ahold of my mothers number and BANG! i am oficially in some deep shit. i later got told to go to the principals office. they had set up a counseling appointment and said i HAD to go. i dont believe in counseling. its a waste of money a waste of time. u pay money to talk to a stranger. sounds useless to me. the appointment was complete bullshit just like i had expected it to be. she talked about what to do when im mad and other stuff like that. it was after school and i had a shitload of homework so i t would take me longer to complete it. i finally left. then she stopped talkting to me altogether. she wouldnt text me, answer my calls, anything. one day i was just tired of my life , so i took the broken glass i broke off from a picture frame, and went away at my wrists. they were nothing compared to what i read about other people do, they were merely scratches. but hell, they were noticable. they puffed up within minutes. days later, i had to go to a special mass with my classmates. scratches were still very noticable. other schools went to the mass as well. she was there. i passed by her and she screamed out my name as if nothing ever happened. i didnt reply. i felt she needed to feel the way shes made me feel for a long time. ignored. people made fun of her for me not replying. that is what i regret doing. but when i went to go up to communion, i looked up at the priest or whoever was serving the bread and he looked down and gave a weird look. all i was thinking was, shit, he sees my wrists, shit, shit, shit. a toook the bread and walked away as fast as i could. hoping he would forget about me becuz of the many other people receiving communion after me. as u can tell, i was scared because its a catholic church. i didnt expect them to look upon self mutilation very lightly. as i was walking back to the piew, i passed by her and she looked at my and smiled. my heart almost beated out of my chest. i cant look her in the eye for fear i would just break down crying. another time, i was at a party and she was there. she didnt say a single word to me. but when she had to go, she came up to me, and i felt i had to give her a hug, so i gave her a quick one, and walked away. now we are getting closer to present day. where she doesnt event text back at all. when she does, i feel shes mostly lying or not really putting any effort into it as we both used to. all of this and much more(things that i cant remember or cant explain) has brought me to what i am today. suicidal. thank you so  much for taking your time reading this. i really appreciate it. feel free to comment! btw, i am new here so i would like to meet new people and talk to them on this website.

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