When my boyfriend lies beside me in bed at night, and tells me that he was thisclose to drinking drain cleaner that day, I believe him. I believe him because I know just how dark it is in his mind. I’m not like him. I find happiness in everyday things and comfort in friends. And all he has is me, he tells me every day. He has no education, no decent career prospects. He lives in his parents basement, smoking weed, and won’t save money to get out. He tells me he wants to save for an engagement ring, but I don’t want it–I just want him to pull himself up, and see that there is still some joy out there. I want to save him from himself so badly. He has a temper with rage that is towering, and constant misery over the little nuisances in life. His anger has lost him every job he’s ever had, has hurt his family beyond repair, and has driven away so many people. And he hates himself for it, for every time he’s hurt me, for everything he’s lost. But he doesn’t change. Sometimes he will have a day, a single good day, and I can see that there is something somewhere inside him that has potetial to have a happier life, and then it slips away and it’s like a bad dream. And it is killing me slowly. If I can’t get away from him, Iwill eventually lose my job, my friends. My health is already failing, and I am so scared. I can’t sleep, I have almost daily panic attacks. He’ll ask me what’s wrong, but any answer that is even close to the truth infuriates him to a dangerous degree, where he’ll hurt himself or me. I can’t afford to pay my bills, I’ve had to steal to make ends meet, I’ve started lying to my friends to cover up the truth, cover up for him and what he’s done to me. I can’t keep it up forever, they will learn that I’ve lied and then I’ll lose them. I am more trapped every day, and I am so scared. I think about suicide with a longing that is so fierce that I can taste it. But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t–I can’t leave him all alone, and I don’t want to cause my loved ones pain, but I don’t know how to get out of this anymore. I can’t look into an endless future with no happiness and no hope, but I can’t just leave him to be alone in the dark.
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Leave him. Being co-dependant with him is not helping and it is better for him to learn on his own. You can’t carry his load and yours as well.
I don’t know why I try to do both, I know that I can’t, but I do. The idea of setting his load back on his shoulders and walking away makes me sick, makes me want to die–because then I’ll leave him, and all signs point to him not being ok, not being able to make it. How can I walk away from another person in so much pain and live with myself? How can I have failed him so badly that I couldn’t help, not even a little? I know it’s the best thing for me, my only way out with any hope for me is the exit, but he will see it as one more person abandoning him, giving up, and I wasn’t going to be that person…I keep going in circles, running into the same wall, and I know that I’m losing my grip on everything. I couldn’t work today, I keep trying to type to keep calm, and at some point I’ll have to stop. At some point he’ll call, and I can tell him that I’m ok and lie, or I can tell him that I’m breaking down and it’ll outwardly enrage him–he’ll say that he always has to be there to support me, but that I’m never there for him. Now that’s what he’ll shout at me, but inside, and later, he’ll say otherwise–he’ll say that he’s worried, that he misses his treatsy girl, that he just doesn’t have the energy to find hope, that he’s sorry but he’s just so tired. And the only way I know to alleviate that weariness is to choke on how frightened I am, how utterly alone I feel, to be a bright spot somewhere in his day. (mrE, please don’t think that by typing all this that I’m arguing with what you said, I’m not. I don’t disagree, at all, intellectually I’m right there with you.)
You have to leave him. Have a police officer present if you’re nervous about it. Don’t let him take you with him.
Leave him, OR give him an ultimatum. one that says : IF you dont change, i will leave you because not only are you suffering now, but i am too. I do not want you to fall down, but i most certainly dont want you to take me down with you. That way, the ball is in his court, and whatever he decides, will be his choice entirely, because you left the decision upto him. And if he doesnt change, then you knwo what to do and he cant say anything because : you gave him a choice. He obviously didnt love you enough to want to change bad enough.
Hope it helps love. X
I’m trying to memorize what you wrote, Ess. It’s so hard to keep any grip on reality, most of the time I feel like I’m screaming into fog and not making any sense at all, even to myself. Thank you.