Hey. I just found this site, im suffering from depression, and have been thinking of ending my life. I feel unloved and alone. People around me keep lying to me and using me. Im miserable, Im losing my house and my girlfriend has left me. I work as a police officer but am finding it extremely hard to cope. I have taken a week off work. Am very upset and confused. Thinking bad thoughts.
22 comments
22 comments
Here to help and make you feel less lonely. Life is a burden to some people, hence why we come here… We had to find it some how. Either in a dark place for a short time or in a dark place through out life. Tell me, do you know if you have diagnosed depression or you just feel depressed? I have severe depression, and been dealing with it since 3rd grade. Either way, talking to someone who understands can help. Professional or not (Though, I recommend professional. As I have that. )
I always thought, from a young age that I had trouble fitting in, and I have been on medication a couple of years ago, I even saw a therapist for awhile. But I seem to suffer from very low self worth. I have been diagnosed with mild depression, but I have to try to hide it from my work. Thats the thing though, I have attended a few suicides on duty and, I think for the first time I acctually understand some of these feelings of hopelessness. No pill or professional help is a quick fix. at the moment nothing matters to me and thats the scary thing. Everyday I feel like its a miracle if I make it through. Thanks for asking.
Sadly, there’s no quick fix for depression. I know the feeling. I’m 17 and I get the same feeling every day… I had to go through a few therapists before I found the right one…
Yea I started seeing one last week when I was getting worse, she was from the church I go to. But she put me off because, she kept on looking at the clock and stopped the session right when I was in the middle of spilling me heart out. That really upset me. Im due to go again tomorrow, I have been in bed all day today. I really am dreading the future.
Hop to another one. It’s probably better you find one that isn’t someone you’ve known before hand, for one… And two, someone not religious. Though you might be, it is easier to talk to someone who isn’t. I don’t know why. Also, she seems to be rude, and shouldn’t be a therapist if she doesn’t do anything thing to further lengthen the appointment. Mine does that, she’ll try to wait as long as she can before they tell her time is up (Usually giving me about 20 minutes more.. ) You need a therapist who is selfless. Try another one, is my advice.
In the mean time, do something you enjoy. If you don’t feel like it (I get that sometimes. Severe depression does that) write how you feel in a journal and give your self permission not to worry too much. Figure things out as soon and you feel okay enough to do so– but don’t push yourself. Ask a friend or neighbor for help, someone you trust.
Thanks, I will see how it goes tomorrow, these sessions arent cheap. I find trouble trusting anyone at the moment, thats whats worrying me the most, when you are on the edge and anything bad that comes along could tip you over. My gf said she would stand by me through good and bad times, well where is she now? No where to help me thats for sure. I have my dog, at least thats comforting that he wont abandon me.
wow. that would put me off too. if you do go back, it might sound kinda weird, but i would tell her directly that it put you off. not necessarily in a mean or confrontational way. but just- you know, that it felt like she was always checking the clock and cut you off while your heart was bleeding out and how that was upsetting. i mean, it totally sucks to be pouring your heart out and feel like the person you’re talking to isn’t listening.
it may be she wasn’t aware, or she had something going on that day or that she needs to be more aware of the session time, so she can warn you when there’s x amount of minutes left, so it dosn’t end so abruptly. it also may be that she is an ass, and/ or not a good fit. i’ve had to go through a lot of shrinks to find one i click with. and it’s okay to do that. and it’s also okay to be direct with them about what you need (like if the session is going in a direction that doesn’t seem helpful at the moment etc). and just because they are “professionals” doesn’t mean they are always right or know what’s best. i mean, the whole point is for them to help you. it’s totally okay to tell them what is or isn’t working. and if it still isn’t working, then there’s someone else out there who will.
and for the record, when you feel so bleak and hopeless, every day- every hour- every minute you make it through, YOU ARE a miracle! and very courageous.
i am very familiar with the feeling of “nothing matters.” as well as dread for the future (even the future of the next 10 minutes). and being in that place sucks beyond anything words can describe.
yet, as odd as it sounds, the fact that feeling that way, like nothing matters, scares you tells me that somewhere deep inside, under all that pain, there is a little strand of hope that maybe something matters. or at least that maybe someday there is or will be hope. hoping for hope……..
for what it’s worth, i think you are very brave. and you have a lot of worth. whether you feel like you do, or not. you do. just because you are you. that may sound cheesy, but it doesn’t make it any less true. besides, a little cheese is good for you 🙂
also, i hope you do keep fighting and searching for help. i think in your struggle you can and will help a lot of people. whether your work as a cop or whatever else, you will have compassion and empathy and understanding that others need so much, and can only get from someone who has “been there.” even where you are now, even just from your post, your willingness to share your experience helps others feel less alone. don’t give up!!
Hey, thanks for relating to me. You have taken some of the weight off me. I have been struggling for about a month now with the most recent issues and feelings. Its still touch and go from minute to minute, but I really appreciate that you all share your thoughts here. Thankyou.
a couple more things. one- dogs are awesome. u know u can trust them, and they love you no matter what.
also, i want to share something with you. through your post you have touched my life. even in your darkest hours, you make a positive impact. that means a lot. and it says a lot for you. i want to tell you how you’ve helped me.
it’s kind of complicated, but i had a pretty messed up childhood. a lot of different scary evil people that did all kinds of pretty messed up evil shit to me and others. and they conditioned me/us to fear police officers, and to think they are all bad. part of that comes from them protecting themselves and wanting to discourage you from ever going to the police, cuz they don’t want to get caught.
so they tell you they are the police. of some of them are. or that the police will hurt or kill you. or if you tell the cops, they will tell the abusers and they will kill you and your family to punish you. i think some of them really might have been police officers. or at the very least sometimes they wore things that looked like police uniforms, whether they were authentic or costumes i don’t know. but it’s effective, cuz then you associate cops with the abuse for various reasons. they had a kiddie porn ring going to, and i think the uniforms may have been used as “props” or costumes for that as well. so that just makes more negative associations.
it’s very sick and twisted. but like i say, very effective. to this day, i am TERRIFIED of police officers.
that’s why your post/ threat meant so much to me. even though you are hurting so much, and not sure who to trust, and you are in a lot of pain, it is obvious that you are a good person with a good heart. and you are also a police officer. thus, you are proof that “good” and “police” are not always mutually exclusive terms. maybe it doesn’t sound like much. but to someone who has lived their life with so much fear, it means a hell of a lot.
anything that goes against what the abuse engrained- anything that comes from someone good, means more to me than i can even say. and i haven’t really known a lot of cops, so it’s not a phobia i’ve ever addressed yet. which means there haven’t been a lot of opportunities to “prove” that maybe the abusers lied, and maybe not all cops are like them or want to hurt people. ideally, i would like to think it’s just the opposite- that most cops genuinely want to help. i have a long, long way to go. but i want to sincerely thank you for being proof that good police officers exist.
maybe it sounds crazy, but it means that even when you are in such a dark place, your life, and your self have still been able to have a very positive impact in the life of someone else. YOU DO MATTER! i don’t usually share things that specific or personal from my life (even online), but it felt worth the risk in this situation, as i wanted to express my gratitude to you. and in order to do that, it needed some context. take care
Hey, thankyou. I don,t know what to say. Ive been pretty lost and im actually glad I typed a post on here. I couldnt talk to the guys at work because I was afraid they would laugh at me, with the whole toughen up routine. Ive been an officer for 5 years almost and I can tell you that while there are some officers who are corrupt and abuse their powers. Others like me are only human. I help people every day I work, but sometimes I need help too like now. I think everyone has their own breaking points and I have almost met mine. But sometimes its not always a textbook answer for everyone. Sometimes I cant understand why bad things happen to seemingly good people. I just dont know, I guess even seeing words on a screen from a stranger also renews my faith in desprate times. I hate the feeling where I am now and wish it would go away. You know when you have no confidence left in yourself and you die on the inside because you cant be yourself and you cant be happy, well thats me. One day you have everything and the next day its gone. im glad you could share your story with me by the way thanku.
i wish how you are feeling now would go away too. you don’t have to answer, but was there an event that triggered or worsened the depression about a month ago? or something that made you lose confidence in yourself? or lose confidence in being able to be yourself?
i don’t know exactly what you are going through, or what your situation is. it sounds like there has been some recent betrayals/ loss/ painful events in your life, and like maybe the people you thought you could go to, to be there for you weren’t there after all. or maybe they are some of what caused the problems? maybe some or all of the above triggered and underlying chemical depression that could be exacerbating the issues as well.??
in my own way, i know what it’s like to have to keep up walls and masks, and not be able to just be yourself, for whatever reason. i think the shrinks call it being “incongruent”- or in even more “shrinkier” terms, “cognitive dissonance.” basically where the inside and the outside don’t match, and that makes things dissonant (out of harmony). something like that. it’s been a while since my school days. but basically, that dissonance can create the foundation for all kinds of problems, including depression and despondence.
i know for me, anytime i have to hold in all these emotions, or any significant part of me, and pretend to be normal on the outside and continue to interact with other humans as such, even though on the inside i’m shattered, it is extremely draining. and you do it long enough, and you start to feel so empty and deeply depressed yet also numb. and it feels like it accentuates the feelings of despair and hopelessness and pointlessness. cuz you just get so disconnected from yourself and from anything that may have ever given your life meaning.
what is it that you are unable to share about yourself? and is there at least some place where you can share it? clearly there are sometimes or places where you do have to put on the mask or go through the motions, because people really would not understand or they can’t handle it. but i think everyone needs somewhere they can be themselves.
i don’t think there’s such thing as a genuine quick fix. or even necissarily a single answer/ solution to depression and emotional issues. but i do know that finding ways to be congruent (making outside and inside match as much as possible) can be one of the things that helps.
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as well as just venting/ expressing any pent up emotions or thoughts. finding ways to do that is helpful (usually little by little, not always super instantly gratifying). but emotions and thoughts are a form of energy. energy and matter cannot be created or destroyed, they just change forms and/or locations. so, if you keep it all inside, all that negative energy is building up with nowhere to go and it is effecting you in a very direct and literal way. it can increase depression, or even cause physical illness as well. it sounds cliche, but there’s gotta be a way to change it’s form, to get it out. maybe a lot of different ways. like maybe exercising works for somethings, creating something might work for others, talking, or singing, or i don’t know, any number of things… yoga, meditation… this probably is starting to sound hokey and i’m having a hard time organizing my thoughts.
and none of this is meant to invalidate how hard it is to be where you are at. nor is it intended as a magic solution. rather, a few ideas of things that may help a little sometimes.
basically, i think any of that negative energy you can move from the inside to the outside, is a positive thing. and anywhere you can find where you can be yourself is good as well. and the more the better.
whatever is going on, please know that no matter WHAT it is, you are not alone. there are people out there who do understand, who are trustworthy (but also mere humans), who won’t judge, and who will accept you for who you are.
please know also that it’s okay to need help. no matter who you are or what your job is, everybody needs help sometimes. though not everybody has the courage to admit it. and it’s also okay to get frustrated as hell when you’re looking for help and can’t find anyone (therapist or otherwise) who can or will help, or who is the right fit, and to just want to give up trying. sometimes it can be a really frustrating journey to find the right help. and i think discouragement, even in an extreme form is a normal reaction to that.
so many, many times i’ve wanted to give up even trying to find help. and a lot of times i was pushed way past limits i thought i could endure before i was able to find the right help (like a therapist who has experience with extreme childhood trauma, and a dr. who won’t overmedicate me etc). but i DID eventually find them. and everyone’s path is different and not everyone has to go through so much to find a viable therapist. just know you don’t have to settle for one that you don’t click with. even if they aren’t doing anything wrong, per se. if you can’t open up to them, what’s the point?
i can’t lie and say things are great now (or i would not have discovered this site tonight), even though i do have some great help, and am eternally greatful for them, i am also still very messed up and in a lot of physical and emotional pain that feels insurmountable at times. and thusly battling with not wanting to live and not wanting to face the demons from my past cuz it feels like it won’t end and it’s too painful.
that’s a whole nother nightmare…. but i definitely relate to that feeling of just being on the edge and feeling like if one more bad thing happens, it’s all just gonna blow. i live in that place a lot. i just hope you keep fighting and keep searching and don’t give up.
i hope you can find places (in addition to therapy with a non-asshole therapist) where you can start to be yourself, and start letting people in and letting them get to know you as who you really are. i really do believe that is possible. and i really do believe that it is possible for you to be happy again one day, and for your confidence to be restored. how and when that will happen, is clearly uncertain. but don’t give up. this world needs you! i’m sorry you are hurting so much. i would take it away if i could. don’t give up!
lol also sorry this is so long and rambling. there’s just a lot i want to say, and the effects from lack of sleep are turning my mind a bit mushy. but if you get nothing else out of this long rambling post from a crazy f*d up kid in cyberspace land- thank you for existing, and for being you. in one short night, in a few posts, you have touched my life and made it better. which means you have and will continue to make other’s lives better, and hopefully that will come back around and make your life better as well. you have a good heart, and a lot of courage and strength. you have worth and you are worthy of love. no matter what anyone says, or what any situation makes you feel. you are worthy of love and you are a good person. i truly believe you will be able to heal and that things can and will get better. i just wish i had a magic answer for you. hang in there! and take care of yourself!
Thankyou. I have been finding comfort to the emotions im going through, just by sitting here alone all day. Leaving my thoughts as I type, maybe just to reassert things to myself as I go through the motions. I thought I had it all, good job, great friends, wonderful supportive girlfriend and my own place. I had always been wary of being hurt in my past and the insecurities I had in myself never really left me. You know just when you think you are on your way to building a life. About a month ago things just kept happening, I thought I was cursed or something, this tapped my long term fears and phobias of being alone. I guess lots of it came from being bullied and rejected when I was young.
It all started when someone poisoned on of my dogs, I tried to save him, but I had to watch him die driving him to the vet hospital, I love animals and this was so hard for me to deal with. Then my girlfriend who I was living with continued to accuse me of cheating. I have never cheated in my life as I know the pain it causes when it was done to me. She ended up smashing our house up, then beating me up when I came home. She was supposed to be my best friend too. I had cuts and stitches to my face and scars as she pushed me into glass. Now I would never hit her back so I just took it. A woman beating on a man is not too common I know esp for me as a officer, . After treatment I was confined to desk duties until my face healed. She left me a few weeks ago, then pretended to come back then leave me again, but not before abusing me again, she said no one would ever want me and that I should shoot myself because I had no friends. We were together for 4 years and suddenly this happens, we were planning to get married and have a baby. Now the bank is forclosing on my house and my gf is gone. She sent me a message a few days ago saying sorry she abusef me. She said she only did it because she was trying to get me to hate her and that now she was with someone else, because she didnt like me working at night with my job. I didnt even see it coming, I thought she was happy as she would always tell me that was the case. She knew what id been through in my past and promised she would protect me instead of using it against me when she left. I committed my life to her and then suddenly its over like that….to make things worse I also found out shed started using drugs ( hard stuff) which caused her to miscarrige as she was 8 weeks pregnant. I only found out she was pregnant when her mother told me last week. Im completely devastated. Im now alone and have lost everything that I cared about and loved. We even went to church every week. I dont know how this all happened. Now I feel like im dying from the inside….she said she loved me?…and that I was the one. I started going to therapy because I blame myself.. I dont know if that even makes sense.
Whoaa, I’m not even going to attempt to read those comments; I just wanted to say if you need/want to talk, i’m here to. 🙂
(keeping it short for both of our sake)
oh my God! i’m so sorry! my heart goes out to you! that is an incredible, catastrophic amount of loss to occur all at one time. i can see why you say you had it all one moment and the next it was all just gone. the kind of jolt and confusion and despair of trying to adjust to a single significant loss takes a huge toll on anyone. let alone having so many losses all at one time! having the ground yanked out from under you and that horrible free-falling feeling where you feel there’s nothing you can trust for sure, nothing to grab onto. it’s scary as hell!
it’s no wonder you feel like breaking, and like you are constantly on the edge. you really are a miracle with each moment you are still breathing and struggling under the weight of so much loss and pain!! i think a lot of people would not be able to handle it at all.
i understand about the dog thing. dogs to me are members of the family and i love them just as much (if not more in some ways) than humans. i know how completely heart-wrenching it can be to lose them.
it sounds like your girlfriend has a whole hell of a lot of issues and instability going on with herself, possibly mental illness, or issues from her past that are unresolved. and then if you bring drugs into the picture, it is just completely devastating. they can completely change a person’s personality regardless of who they are or where they come from. and drugs can change their ability to love. because their first love becomes the drug, the drug becomes the one and only priority. and anything that gets in the way of using can become the enemy, and things and people that used to mean something, it’s harder and harder to feel those connections, so they get pushed further and further away.
not to mention the erratic effect drugs have on emotion. esp the “hard drugs.” it really does make a person completely different. i’ve seen it happen too many times. the drugs also might explain the explosive physical rage. certain drugs can make people a hell of a lot more destructive and aggressive than they were before or without drugs.
and the deeper in the addiction, the more the addict starts wanting to push away the people in their life who are not part of the addiction. maybe because the people who care obviously don’t agree with the drug use, or they remind the addict of who they used to be, or the addict feels guilty around them for various reasons, or for a million other things. and often the loved ones to start to blame themselves for not seeing it, or for not being able to change the addicts behavior. or help them. but really, the addict has to want the help. and only they can change it. not that knowing that makes it any easier.
and for what it’s worth, i think men abused by women (esp if the woman is on drugs) is more common than you think- though definitely under-reported. i even watched a documentary type series on itunes called “the secret lives of women”- there was an episode about wives who beat their husbands. and they talked to both the husbands and wives. it was informative and interesting. and that’s just one example. i bet a lot of men in that situation feel ashamed and alone and want someone to relate to but don’t know where to turn. you are not alone.
it might be worth looking into al-anon, or a similar online and/ or community support group for loved ones of addicts. even if she is not in your life anymore, you would meet people there who would understand what you were going through, and who would be able to give you insight and support as well. and possibly connect you to a better therapist as well.
i understand blaming yourself for everything, cuz i do that as well. and situation like that really bring out the insecurities we have. but relationships do take two people, and they both have to be willing to open up and work on themselves and the relationship and share themselves with one another. otherwise, there’s only so far a relationship can go. and it sounds like she wasn’t willing, or able, to do that.
i’m so sorry! my heart goes out to your broken heart, as that sense of betrayal and abandonment and all the other feelings that go along with a relationship ending as that did are just so intense and so hard. not to mention all the questions and wondering and what if’s and what went wrong and feeling helpless to fix it, or feeling like it must be your fault. and somehow having to find a way to accept the shittiness of the situation. it sounds like she has been/ is a very toxic person in your life. i don’t say that to be mean, just that she’s someone that having her in your life at this point, is just going to be toxic to you.
nothing about any of this is easy, and recovering from all of it will be hard as hell. but you don’t have to do it alone. and please know the things she said- that no one could love you, and all of that- it’s NOT true. you are loveable. you are a good person with a good heart and you deserve to be in a relationship where you are not abused or toyed with (the whole come here, go away, stomp on your heart shit- none of that). you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, where there is trust, and where you can both be open and honest and travel life’s journey together.
i think maybe a support group and/ or good therapist may be able to help you figure out what to look for, and what you want in a relationship, and what you will and won’t tolerate so you don’t have to end up in another abusive relationship.
i’m sorry about the house thing too. but maybe it could turn out as one of those blessings in disguise? cuz it sounds like that house is now full of a lot of negative memories and associations and pain. sometimes a change of scenery, even if it’s becuz your hand is forced, can do you good. like be a very concrete symbol of a fresh start. and a new foundation for building a life that you want, that is full of good things that make you happy. it’s never easy to have to rebuild a life. and in saying that, in no way am i trying to negate all the pain and devastation and frustration and everything else you are going through. i just know at least in my experience, it can be easier to start over in a new location
anyway, my posts are always super long. i don’t know if it’s allowed to exchange email addresses or anything. but you know, if you wanna talk or vent or whatever, i would listen. i’m not an expert, and i don’t have any licenses. and due to my own issues, i may not be the best “rock” for anyone right now (as far as always being there right away)- i’m battling a lot of demons, but i acknowledge them. and i WILL respond when i can. i am a good listener and i am honest. i grew up with mind-games and i hate them.
also i’ve been through a lot, so i can relate to a lot of things. and even if i can’t, i can listen and not judge. so if you would want to “talk”/ vent- let me know and i can give u my email somehow. or, you know- i can respond here as well. though i must admit i am not familiar with the site yet.
anyway, please know you are not alone. there is a lot of support out there, and many people who understand. don’t give up! you are courageous and strong. take care!
he he- clearly i am not efficient with my words these days, but it sounds like in addition to “professional help,” you could also use a friend. i know i could as well. so i’m here, if you want. and yes i have issues, but i own them, so u wouldn’t have to worry that i was gonna lash out at you or nething. 4 real. just here if you wanna talk. take care
Hey thanks jadedstar, I just got back from my couselling session. To my surprise the therapist acctually was concerned this time, she went overtime and actually listened. Also to my complete amazement my gf text me this morning, she was trying to see how I was going, but I just left it simple and said I hope u r ok but I didnt want her to hurt me anymore and didnt want to talk. She didnt even tell me bout the miscarriage, but I dont want to bring up or open new wounds at the moment. Thanks for your words of support, you help alot, and its nice knowing there are still good folk out there like yourself. Im still on edge bout the whole thing, but if I can make it tomorrow, then its a new day. Thanks again.
i’m so sorry things are so hard. you have been through so much in such a short time. let yourself grieve. find a way to let all of those feelings out. it’s the only way to move through. but it’s not easy. don’t give up. you are an amazing person. plus the first proof that not all police officers are mean or abusive. email me if you want to talk. noloveinfear333@gmail.com
hey Mr Confused! i’m glad to hear your session went well!! i’m so glad the therapist actually listened! it’s pretty cool and shows a lot of strength that you went back. a lot of people would have just given up, so good for you!
i hope your girlfriend gets the help she needs. you are smart to take your space. until she gets help things will just be chaotic and she will continue to hurt you and fall back into old patterns. drugs really REALLY mess people up, and it’s so hard to watch. especially when it’s someone you really care about. i’m glad you are getting help for you too. you deserve to be happy and to have people in your life who treat you well!
keep making it through till tomorrow! and the next day and the next! the world needs good people like you out there. and even more, we need good cops! i’m gonna tell my therapist i actually met a nice police officer who’s like a human being and everything! 🙂 he will be impressed. and i’m totally not dissin cops, you know- it’s just the phobia thing. so it’s pretty cool to meet one who is evidence that the abusers lied, and that there are good cops. thanks again for that!
hang in there! you are really really strong to be dealing with all that shit all at once. you are amazing! don’t give up! and 4 real if u wanna talk u know where 2 find me! 🙂
Hey thanks again, just coming hear reading posts gives me abit of peace and purpose in the days. I had a bad morning today and the thoughts crept in. my doctor increased my meds, so im going to see if they work, just got to give it time. I havent been doing much today though, just trying to get my appitie back. Im a little nervous about going back to work on friday, but I have holidays soon, so ive just got to take it step by step. As for my girlfriend, im not even sure whats happening with that. Im not sure I can trust her amd if shes into drugs that will create a problem with work. The thing that hurts me is that she was always so loving, then it just changed. I still love her very much, but if it turns out she was with somone else then I dont think I could go back. This is still real tough, but as long as I keep things low key, maybe those bad thoughts will be kept at bay. Thankyou for being a good support for me on here. My names mike by the way. Thanks.
and sometimes, if you can’t take it a day at a time, if a day seems way too long, take it by the hour. or even by the minute, or second. you can make it!
Back at work today, still very depressed. Just arrested a guy on a warrant. He seems like hes happier than me, keeping a happy face for my coleagues, but im still miserable. When im alone, im starting to talk to myself and get bad thoughts again. Im abit worried I wont last the next month, I fear uncertainty. Im jealous of others being so happy. Dunno wot to do.
2nd day at work, im completely miserable, everything is sinking in. Hiding this at work is getting harder. I dont know why im finding it so hard. Dealing with big crowds tonight, im getting paranoid. My ability.to trust others is being tested. Even my partner is asking me and questioning my actions. Maybe he heard me talking to myself. Struggling through, but cant stop thoughts.