Hiding ‘n’ Lying

it’s pretty much what i’ve been doing the last 6 years (and a half) and i managed. but now i messed everything up. you see, i cut SUICIDE along my arm, from my elbow to my wrists (which is already covered with scars) and i cut a smiley into my right arm (which looks rather mad and sick as a scar) and i think i’m gonna have trouble hiding that since it’s summer now. and everyone knows that i never feel cold, so they’re gonna get suspicious if i start using that excuse. btw, no one knows about my depression and suicidal tendencies. i was only so close to killing myself last night. took 2/3 pills, cut myself and then took about 3 more cuz i wanted to overdose but was taking it slowly before all of a sudden my mind was screaming I DONT WANNA DIE! i’m better than that! i’m a fighter! you can’t kill me! and all that shit. i realized that tons of times before that no matter how much i want to give up, i just can’t, it’s against my nature. i hate myself for that. and i hate myself for being such a coward. cuz i didn’t commit suicide. and today i wanted to tell my parents everything and laugh in their faces cuz i felt so powerful and stron for whatever reason. but the circumstances messed it all up. and when i wanted to tell my friend i chickened out. now i’m bakc into my depressed whinig state where i just feel like sitting in a corner whimpering while staring into nothingness repeating i don’t wanna die, save me. even though i was really, really determined to die. i had given up on everything. and then suddenly i just stood up again. i hate that. my family would be way better off without me. i’m the failure in this family, the one who is the cause of all the fights and problems and i’m not only imagining it. i bring home bad report cards, i never do anything for my family or anything. my father just made a movie and it’s having its first premiers, my mother is keeping up the whole house and fighting to get her degree recognized (my parents ran away from a war and fought their ways up back to the top of life, they’ve been through a lot) and my sister always gets As and always cleans and helps around in the house. i suck at socializing, communicating, helping others or pretty much everything. i’m not bad everything, but not good enough for anything. well, i’m a good listener. but that doesn’t get you far in life. so, my best friend lives on a different continent and i can’t complain, i saw her last christmas but i’ve distanced from her and i’m afraid to hurt her because of that. we were inseperable before. we would’ve died for each other. once again, she’s almost an A student, i’m failing. then i have one friend here but like before, she’s going upward in life, i continue to sink downward even though i am way past the bottom.
i just want to get away from all of them, away from everything i know. but i dont want to hurt them. i wish i could stay with them, but its impossible and i cant explain it to them. and thats the worst thing.
i’m literally sick of hiding and lying. i loathe liars, i loathe myself. only cowards/wimps hide, i hide. and it makes me tired, give me headaches, makes me wanna throw up, makes me wanna destroy things even more than i already want to destroy them and it blackens my mind, leaving it blank. i can barely concentrate anymore at times, i’m always moving around in some way and i need music to calm down (sometimes not even that helps).
i hate this. that’s all i can say. and i’m sorry is all everyone around me is hearing. it’s just such a vicious circle…like As I Lay Dying sing in I Never Wanted. “brought back to life only to die”. it’s always the same. and i think all of you know what i mean by that.

whatever…whats the use of this…
nothing even matters at all anyway.