A lot on my mind. Trying to organize it all, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get out everything. I never really do. It was a brutal first week. But not in the way I expected. The commute is the worse by far. Get up at 5 get to the office at 8:15 leave at 5:15 and get home at 8. Going to rent a car for this week. It will cut that commute in half easy. The job itself was actually not too bad. Best one of these I’ve had so far. They know what they are doing. Precise as hell. I’m given concise goals and am able to get hold of my mentor with absolutely no trouble. I’m still unsure how this ends, but I didn’t totally fall apart like I thought I would. There’s always time for that later though. Of course I still end up saying stupid shit or promising things I can’t do. But I can’t say I twiddle my thumbs too often since they are clear on what I need to do. One head engineer was really nice. Gave me a tour of the place even though he was busy as hell. The other couple I met didn’t really seem like they knew what to say or just didn’t want to deal with me. One guy asked to set up a meeting with him even though all I wanted to do was say hi to him and introduce myself. Whatever. I get people are busy.
I still feel conflicted about working there. I’ve always been paranoid. About what people know about me and what they would do with that info. What are the intentions. Constantly looking over my shoulder when I use my phone. Be sure to close all applications that might have things I don’t want them to see. Double check exactly what app I’m opening. Never ever ever connect my phone to the wifi. I did one day because it seemed like my reception in there was a dead zone. I think I accidentally turned off my mobile data like a dumb ass. This company, “Company Z” is a mega corporation. Those terrify me No entity should have that many fingers in that many pies. They own a fucking grocery store chain. I’m going to have to call it “Z” now because I’m afraid they might be looking up any instances of their name to search for security leaks. I’m so stupid that I only am starting that now. I was too lazy and thought it wouldn’t matter, but after seeing the lengths they go to protect their shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if they are reading this now. In case they aren’t I’m going to have to go retroactively change any time I mentioned them by name and maybe even my uni. Anything to throw them off. And make even more of an effort not to name them going forward and especially never ever ever mention anything technical I’m working on.
It doesn’t help that this is the exact same office I visited when my brain started to melt from my first manic episode. I get that it was always going to happen since my brain is hardwired that way, but I still blame them. If that shitty fucking desk jockey never ok’ed me for that program, I wouldn’t have had to spend 2 weeks in a psych ward. Being there brought back all those bad memories. How I was convinced they were grooming me for something great. How I thought they bugged my phone and the electrical outlets in my house to listen to me. How I thought any random person on the street was watching me. That trip broke my fucking brain and I had to claw my way back to fixing it. So standing in the exact spot on the floor where I remember I was this close to breaking down into strange bizarre tears was certainly something.
I had a dream my mother found this place. It was a few days ago, but I remember us arguing over it. Just a random thought I had. The only person who knows is “her” and I haven’t heard from her in almost 2 years. Of course when I went to a barcade yesterday to celebrate my first week, I still though about her. I don’t know if she thinks about me, forgot me, cares about me, hates me, or anything. And in the end, none of it really matters. People come and people go. That’s the way of the world. So why do I still have her birthday on my calendar? Why do I sometimes recite her phone number so that I don’t forget about her? Why do certain songs remind me of her and why do I vividly remember that one time I watched her play galaga and how she told me she had the game for the psp when she was a kid? It’s that sliver. That thin steel sliver. No matter how strong the load of despair or hurt or whatever gets, it refuses to snap. No matter how much logic or common sense I try to apply, it won’t budge. It’s like that with my career aspirations or how I bring mints with me to the barcade in case I meet someone or why I bother waking up at all. No matter how shitty things get I still drag my carcass throughout the day and I don’t know why.