So, here’s my tale of woe. I’m 40 and everyone in my family is dead. I have Asperger’s syndrome, which makes it almost impossible for me to interact with others or form anything like a close, meaningful relationship. My life seems so empty and pointless—one struggle after another with no break and no reward. I’m not really sad or hurting anymore (now I’m mostly numb) but I am so very tired!
I want the sleep that Hamlet craves:
“To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep…â€
The only problem is, I’m wracked by Hamlet’s doubts:
“To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life…â€
I wish I could be sure of what comes after. I don’t want heaven and I’m already in hell. I want oblivion—that dreamless sleep—a true end to my consciousness. I’m not some bible-thumping religious maniac, but I guess somewhere deep inside I do have a shadow of a superstitious doubt… What if there is something after this? It is the fear of what dreams may come that prolongs the calamity of my life.
Much like Hamlet, I have a…
“…dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all!â€
I cannot live and I cannot die. I wish I could have the sureness of an atheist. Then, I wouldn’t hesitate. I could do what needs to be done to release myself from this suffering. But I’m not sure and I cannot shake this irrational feeling that my end might not be an end at all…
In the end, it seems that life is a reward for those who can live it and a punishment for cowards who can’t.
10 comments
Hi “the old fool”,
I loved your post. Obviously, I didn’t love the fact that you feel so bad, but I loved that you quoted Shakespeare and were dead honest (npi) and articulate.
Regarding your misgivings about “what comes after”, all I can say is this:
The last time I attempted suicide, I had drunk a lot of poison, and I felt myself loosing consciousness, and obviously I wasn’t successful, but I felt like I was on my way in the “right” direction. And everything about it was very very much like falling asleep when you are very tired.
It firmly convinced me (at the time I was agnostic, but prone to superstition) that life is all you get, the moment is all you get. Life is a long series of moments, a long rope of here-and-now. Once you extinguish life, it’s like pulling the plug on a television. The light fades until there is only nothingness.
So anyway, that experience was obviously followed by much hedonism on my part.
But I still pretty much believe that that is how it is.
I hope you find peace in life somehow. ‘Cause you sound like a nice guy.
Great post. “To be or not to be, that is the question”.
I suspect that after death we face the exact same consequences as any other animal. Humans like to think they’re special, that “everything happens for a reason”, that an omnipotent alien in outer space, (let’s call him god), has taken a special interest in Homo Sapiens.
We’re all going to die, it’s inevitable. It’s natural to be curious about what might happen afterwards, but I don’t think anybody can answer that with 100% certainty. (Unless they have reincarnated and have multiple past life memories). Haha.
Good Luck either way.
Technically some people have come back from the dead. I don’t mean zombies but I mean people who were either prematurely declared dead and/or were dead for a short period of time and bought back. If you had questions you could always seek these people out and ask them. I’m sure it can be solved with a google search.
Right on kno1. I’ve read a bunch of near death experience testimonials. It’s difficult to know if the sensations these folks perceived were imaginary or actual. If you’ve ever done a powerful hallucinogenic, the experience “feels” very real…even though it’s just your brain on drugs.
NDE (Near death experiances) are nothing more than the brain losing consciousness. The “light at the end of a tunnel” is the same thing experianced by those people in those gravity simulators. When they black out they have the same light at the end of the tunnel, ect ,ect that NDEs have.
About 15% or so people will get them in those situations.
the old fool said: “I want oblivion—that dreamless sleep—a true end to my consciousness.”
My feelings exactly! I am not interested in streets of gold, pearly gates, and all that imaginary drivel. The oblivion you mentioned would be heaven enough for me.
Regarding near death experiences: I too have done some reading on this subject. I have also watch numerous documentaries. Here is what makes me suspicious about the whole thing.
It seems that what people experience in a near death experience is directly linked to their belief system. For example, I have never heard a Muslim say that he had a near death experience in which he met Jesus Christ and that Jesus told him that Islam is a bunch of crap and that Christianity is the true religion. Conversely, I have never heard a Christian say that in his near death experience he met Mohammed and that Mohammed told him that Christianity was false and that Islam is the true religion. I am of the opinion that if near death experiences were real, they would not be so closely linked to what the people experiencing them believe to be true.
Regarding reincarnation: The idea makes me quake with fear. The very thought of having to come back to this hell-hole of a world is one of my worst nightmares!
Like the old fool, the fear of the unknown hinders me from doing what I know should be done, what I want so very much to do: Exit this life. I feel trapped, and I am. I know that death is my only means of escape, but I lack the courage to walk through that final door and into whatever awaits me.
But regardless of what I do, I shall, at some point in time, walk through that door. We ALL shall walk through that door. I just wish that I could muster up the courage to walk through on my own, at a time of my own choosing, and not be dragged through kicking and screaming, crying, begging, praying for a reprieve, begging for just one more day. I hate the idea of going out clawing at the bed sheets…
Thats funny. I watched an episode of The Simpsons yesterday where Marge was pissed at Homer for becoming a Catholic. The problem was how the afterlife plays out. In Catholic Heaven, It’s Irish, Mexican and Italians. Fighters who like soccer. Basically fun people who are rowdy. Heaven up there is fun…they drink, fight,….and they’re interesting.
In Protestant heaven, it’s boring Caucasians who play tennis. (Sounds like a tampon commercial). If There actually is an afterlife, and you’re a Protestant……gawd…..I’m so sorry…. You’re here for a good reason. This website was designed for you.
I’m not sure if counts but when I think about the time I took a bunch of sleeping pills I was just sleep. I was so deep in my sleep that I had no dreams or thoughts. It was just darkness without consciousness. I’m not sure if that counts but if it did I should also note that I did believe in god at the time and I never saw him. I guess the fear of the unknown keeps us all from walking through that door. I keep thinking about the fact that one day I will die and that death is a guaranteed experience. However, I’m petrified of it.
Love this post. Not much I can say to ease your mind.
it seems like work.
life is a job, that god gave us. we just have to do it.
death comes, eventually, but having tried it, i’m not so sure the personal conscious experience ever lets itself end, it recreates the universe again, with all the same players, until we get whatever it is we need to get to allow it to change. the process of disintegration heralded by old age is interesting and annoying.
i’m aspergers too – well, i think i am, given the symptoms and cognitive workarounds i employ. haven’t found a doctor smarter than me yet who can observe my mental processes without deluding themselves. that in itself makes life harder. so many dangerous people waiting to explode at any moment makes it hard to relax and drop defenses in company. sometimes i wish i were brave enough to leap from a mountain or swim to the horizon to simply see what happens. surely its better than hanging onto an empty existence? which brings me back to people. is the thought of death simply a desire for change, and suicide is less scary than a change in my social patterns?